Wedding fights - how to cope?

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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I’m not sure if any of you married people went through this, or people about to get married are going through this - but I’m just so tired of the arguments that are taking place between my parents and I regarding the wedding. Actually, it’s more with my dad, and it’s only on ONE issue - guest list.

Fiance and I wanted a smaller wedding - maybe 150-175 people max. But that was out of question since day one. We tried talking to our respective parents, but they were like that number is just not possible. Infact, our guest list is bordering around 400-500.

Fiance tried talking to his parents, and he managed to cut down a few, but not much. His parents know way too many people and wanna invite them all. I tried talking to my parents, and while they’ve actually cut down quite a few - it’s still a big number. Everytime we discuss guest list, my dad and I end up arguing and it ends up turning ugly. To me, inviting people we don’t talk to much or haven’t been in touch with in a while makes no sense, whereas to my dad, it’s more like ‘well, they are related to us..’. Everytime I try talking to him about it, he seems to get touchy and offended about it and goes ‘in our days, our parents use to invite whoever they wanted to, it was their kid’s wedding’. And I get that…which is why our list is getting to 400-500 and not at 150. But I just can’t help but get upset over it. I have never been a fan of big gatherings, it’s just not my personality. And I don’t, in any way, mean any disrespect to my dad…but that’s how he looks at it. :frowning:

Also, I get that the parents wanna invite all extended khaandaan even if we don’t talk to them much…But, my dad also gets upset that we don’t want them coming. Here’s my reason why I don’t want them to come - they are all of a very, very conservative mindset, and they will not like the mehndi dances, the dance floor and all that at the wedding. The whole point to having people at your wedding is to make them a part of your happiness. But I know these people are gonna talk, smirk and look down upon all those things. So why would I want such negativity at my wedding?

I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed about this. I hate, absolutely hate arguing with my dad and I just don’t know what to do. And I cannot talk to my in-laws about their guest list obviously. So in the end, I end up cutting down my personal list. I’m not inviting most of my colleagues now because I dunno how else to lessen the guest list.

Anyway, I guess I just wanna know if anyone else has gone through this? Am I over reacting? I know there’s no point in discussing this with my dad. So I just want advice on how to cope with this, and how to just let go…and not care of the amount of people showing up at the wedding.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

You know the problem with the brides these days - they are a little to active in thier role of bride.
Let it be; if having those people makes your dad happy shush and let him have it his way. Seems to me there are lots to consider when ommiting people from that guest lists- our parents know better.

As for teh dances and festivites - keep it to your taste. Its your wedding so anyone who has soemthing to say can fall on deaf ears.

It could be much worse - the guest lists a minimal issue.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Every single couple I know had A LOT of arguments while wedding planning. I can't tell you how many aruguments my fiance and I have had in the last few months b/c of this one single event! You always have to remember that this stress is temporary. :)

That being said....in your particular situation....based on what you wrote....I think you're causing unnecessary tension for yourself. If your parents are happy paying for 500 people....let them! If you're getting to pick out your dress, jewerly, decor, music etc.....if the ONLY thing you and your parents disagree on is the guest count....then consider yourself VERY lucky and let it go. It's not worth the stress. According to you, you and your fiance knew that having a wedding of 175 people for you was "out of the question since day one". Then why waste time and energy fighting a battle that you knew from day one that you're not going to win?

As for negativity at your wedding....believe me when I say this....people will "talk" no matter what you do. You can not please everyone! Even the non-conservative people....if not the dancing/music then they will make comments about other stuff. Make life easy for yourself. Stop trying to please every single other person and FOCUS on the people who're important to you. As long as your fiance, in-laws, and your parents are happy with mehendi/dances etc....then that's all that matters. And I imagine you'll be surrounded by your closest friends/cousins who also support you. Stay focused on that. If people want to talk....then let them. The only way gossip can ruin your wedding day is if you allow it. :)

** BTW, I know another bride who's getting married in May and is in similar situation. She/her fiance wants a small wedding but their current guest count is around 600 (and that's after the parents "cutting back"!!!!!). Instead of fighing the guest count....she's instead focusing on the decor, food, music, clothing, jewelry etc. Since she knows she won't win the "guest count" battle....she's hell bent on making sure she gets everything else her way! (and so far its working!). :)

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

My wedding guest list is 50 people and 30 people on the valima day.

You can only imagine the amount of arguments I had to go through for months to get those numbers lol.

And I have the same problem with a lot of people being super conservative (ie no mehndi dances/music)

For starters, without probing too much into your personal finances, are your parents paying for the wedding? If they are, then this is a dead issue dear. They're pretty much going to invite who they want.

If its not or even if it is discuss budget with them.

If budget isnt a concern, have another mehndi with just your close friends and people that make you happy being there and do all the halla gullah :)

That's what I'm doing - even with my tight budget it's possible.

Be positive and know that it's a very important day for you - and your parents. They just want to share their happiness with everyone they know as well!

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Well it is their day after all they should be very active!!

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

so sorry to hear abt your situation. :( Its totally understandably how you feel coolzie.

I think it's a typical thing for asian parents to do that. Lol. My sister had almost 800 ppl at her wedding and she thought it was SUCH a waste of money as all the money was spent on feeding her guests (which costs an arm and a leg!) and there wasn't enough budget left over for deco and other things she wanted. Whereas I insisted to have less guests (it worked out £30 per head so I made sure I was fussy on who came!) and because I had less guests I got to have my ideal wedding as I had so much extra to spend on stunning centre table-pieces, chocolate fountain, rose flowers etc and other deco.

For asian parents it just seems its important to just feed people. lol. but it's obviously different to what the bride wants.

no you are not over-reacting at all hun. believe you me i totally understand what you are going through and the whole cutting down the guest-list can be very stressful indeed.

i hope it all works out in the end and that your dad tries to understand things from your point of view. try talking to him again, telling him you're unhappy about the guest list or try talking to another elder (whom your dad looks up to or takes seriously...hehe) and get them to talk to your dad about the guest list. (i always get my mamoo or chachoo's to help convince my parents whenever i need things going my way! lol. ;) )

good luck!

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Why don't you compromise so you keep your mehndi to be the people you want to invite and the wedding can include the people your dad wants to invite.

Or you could choose a venue that has a smaller capacity. This way you will HAVE to limit your guest list.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Coolzie, I found this nice post a while back, and I think it may give you some perspective of what your dad may be thinking or feeling but not able to communicate to you.

Slice of Lemon

Also, don’t worry about the “conservative” people. Being someone who may be considered conservative by other people, I’ve noticed that people have a tendency to relax at least during the wedding festivities and enjoy watching even if they can’t or dont’ feel comfortable to join in. They may catch themselves after the day of and look back and make comments. But we can’t control what people think and feel in their own time. Everyone has a different standard as to what is acceptable, and you may go to a “conservative” wedding and find yourself looking down on what you feel is their inability to have fun. Just remember that no one, not your father, nor the wedding guests, wants you to be unhappy on your wedding day.

Also, arguments are inevitable during the wedding planning. Try and regroup before you approach the touchy issues with your parents, you will not want the guilt and the sour memories at your rukhsati or in your married home, when you miss them.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Yaara we often time miss the important part of the DAY -- its the person you're marrying.
Do you guys get that that after alll is said and done - this is just a party to celebrate two people/families coming together.

The party will be forgotten in a month or two or whenever the next shaadi in the family is.
What won't be forgotten is the rishtai that you commited yourself too.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Me and my wife took absolutely no part in arrangements of wedding. Its for the people who are paying for it.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

That’s actually really sweet.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

thanks guys for all your helpful words. I'm trying to not focus on the guest list and focus on other details. But it all comes back to the guest list. I was looking for favours, and that made me think that I can't even get nicer wedding favours cuz they'll be expensive and times that with 400 people and...yeah, no.

And as suggested about compromising by having a smaller mehndi - yeah, not happening. Mehndi will have around 300 people!! Because my in-laws know a lotta people they wanna invite. Heck, even the nikkaha t the mosque was supposed to be an intimate affair with max 60-70 people. It's now standing at 120.

As for paying - fiance wanted to pay for the entire wedding, but my parents insisted on paying for their part of the guests. So yesh, I know I can't say much...but that is why I didn't force 150 on them. I was okay with even 350...but bordering 500 is just...so much.

@AASIYAAaina - thanks for that link. It's really sweet...and that's how my mom explained it to me as well. And that makes sense. But I guess I just...well, okay what triggered our latest argument was that he's invited the neighbours without even mentioning. The neighbours! And honestly, they're not close friends or anything with my dad or any of us. So i really don't know what thought process led to this decision of his.
And yeah, I know what you mean about people coming from different mindsets and still being okay with whatever's going on at the wedding. I respect that kinda open mindedness so, so much. But I know these people...they've been snarky in the past with me and my mom. So I speak from experience - and I really don't want anyone making any comments to my parents that day. But I guess I'll have to just let that go as well.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

Good luck hon -Hope you have a blast at your wedding.
And don't stress - brides should look nice and relaxed :)

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I understand how you feel and I'm sort of in the same position. Bit the way I understand it and have consoled myself is that my parents and his parents are happy and they want to share that with the world. Even if that means inviting the neighbours and people I don't like. Alhumdulillah I feel so lucky to have such a supportive family and to be gaining such warm an amazing inlaws. The fact that they want to celebrate the wedding on such a grande scale with so many people is a good thing, they don't want to skip costs etc. If they wanted to keep it hush hush and small then because I know there personalities I would be worried they weren't happy about the marriage.

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

...try convincing any wedding planner about your above statement! ;) it's not just a party. i certainly haven't forgotten amazing wedding partys i have been too.

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The wedding day and it's details may be forgotten and become hazy. But arguments surrounding the wedding ad the emotions that go with it will stay with you and the family for a lifetime. In the process of wedding planning and everyone has there own stories, he said this, she said that when it was my wedding etc. Weddings from 20+ years ago! And the emotions are so raw like its just happend :-/ just pick your fights carefully. Stand up for the stuff you feel really strongly about. Bite your tongue about the other stuff. Just think carefully before you say something because words do stay with people for a long time...

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Re: Wedding fights - how to cope?

I couldn't agree more.. girls, just try to live these precious moments.. many of these issues are not worth fighting for