hey guys, ive followed this forum for months but have never posted. recently ive been really confused and upset and i know you guys are great at giving advice. i would really appreciate any help.
my mum is really ill, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 months ago and she was given max 6 months to llive. its a scary time for all of us cause we dont know when the dreaded time will fall upon us and we’re just prayig that allah gives her health and inshallah cures her and gives us back our mother, cause were nothing without her.
im the youngestt in my family and the only one not married. ive been engaged for 5 moths and we werent planning on having the wedding till next year after my graduation, but obviousoly because my mum is so ill, shes pushing me to get married cause she wants to fulfill her responsibilty before she dies. i totally understand this and agreed and said i wanted a simple wedding, for my nikkah to take place in the masjid where we can all then make dua for my mum and for my ruksati to be done from there too. but my mum isnt happy with that. she wants the full works, a totally extravagent wedding, but i just cant do that. am i wrong? i know its her final wish but i just dont feel right celebrating my marriage in such a way when shes so ill. what can i say to her? or should i just do as she says? the news is out about her problem and people are coming over, doing dua, saying afsos and wishing her the best, so will they not talk if i have such a big wedding? i need youre sincere advice, if you think i should do as my mum says, how can i persuade myself into thinking my weeding is not selfish? and if you think i should try and persuade my mum? how do i do it? i dont want a big wedding, i dont wanna waste a month organising it, id rather spend that month in her arms, anything could go wrong any second. i just want to get my nikkah done infront of her and get her blessing,
my fiance is amazing and has said him and his family are happy to do whatever we want, be it a nikah with only our 2 families or a big fancy affair. help me plase, i dont know what to do…
sonia-c - just reading all that has filled up my eyes massively. Well wishes for your mom.
I understand that she is terminally ill and this is her last wish. You definitely are in tough spot cause on one side it's happiness, and on the other side it's about a life issue.
I would suggest, that if you are happy with your fiance, then go ahead and fulfill your mother's wish.
In the long run, you will be really happy to have an extravagant wedding in which your MOM was present. You will have her in your photographs and in your wedding videos. You will have pleasant memories once you are past the difficult phase.
As difficult as it may sound - BE HAPPY - because EVERYONE has to go one day. Your mom feels that at least she knows when she will go and wants to prepare herself in her own ways.
Your mom, as she said it, that she wants to fulfill her last responsibility by seeing you married.. I think you should not deny her request.
My eyes are filled up - hope the best for you and your family.
My sympathies sonia C, but congrats on your engagement.
One thing I've learned being around cancer patients is that they don't want to talk about cancer always. So plan the wedding, and have your mother deeply involved in many parts of the wedding- that way she won't always be reminded of her illness and she'll be too busy to think about her grave illness. I think she'll really appreciate it! And beside she *wants *it, and of course she does! I would want to see my daughter's wedding too before I die! Who wouldn't? It's natural.
If you're worried about what people will say- screw what they think. They will think whatever they want to think either way, even if you give them best explanation ever.
First of all, Im sorry to hear about your mother's illness. May Allah swt give her health and happiness. Ameen. :)
Your fiance and his family sound like wonderful people!
Do what she wants. Im pretty sure she wants to see happiness around her at a time like this. Your wedding will give her a reason to wake up every morning, things to do, to talk about, etc. Dont disregard this last wish of her, especially if she is passionate about it.
BUT, I suggest you leave majority of the wedding planning to someone else. Please dont spend all of this time away from her so see if cousins, aunts, uncles, friends can help with the wedding tasks.
Oh and NJ is right...having a wedding that your mom was a part of will make you happy for years! I WISH to this day that my grandmother was able to attend my engagement, that I had pictures with her on such a blessed day but she couldnt.
First of all, Im sorry to hear about your mother's illness. May Allah swt give her health and happiness. Ameen. :)
Your fiance and his family sound like wonderful people!
Do what she wants. Im pretty sure she wants to see happiness around her at a time like this. Your wedding will give her a reason to wake up every morning, things to do, to talk about, etc. Dont disregard this last wish of her, especially if she is passionate about it.
BUT, I suggest you leave majority of the wedding planning to someone else. Please dont spend all of this time away from her so see if cousins, aunts, uncles, friends can help with the wedding tasks.
Oh and NJ is right...having a wedding that your mom was a part of will make you happy for years! I WISH to this day that my grandmother was able to attend my engagement, that I had pictures with her on such a blessed day but she couldnt.
Excellent point. Let others do everything - since you don't care about a lavish wedding anyway and aren't being picky, no need to fuss about all those extra things.
First of all lemme start off by saying u r a really sweet daughter.
Secondly, I know of 2 families (both in pak n in both cases the mother has/had cancer).
I'll tellu wat they did and i think there have been no talks about it.
First family had a grand affair invited 1000 people to the wedding and this way mother met every1 at the wedding. She had cancer and is no more.
Second family 's daughter wedding is in a week and as far as i know they r going to have a weding in a masjid as they have done it with all their kids. The mother has cancer and is at her last stage.
Above examples were just to let u knwo that it'd b aright if u go with either option n no1 wud talk. But i can understand ur pain of having a grand affair at a time when ur heart is crying. I would say talk to ur mom n tell her if she wants to see every1 at the wedding then u can invite every1 over but tell her u'd rather spend tiem with her taking care of her, catering to her needs rather than looking after the guests.
May Allah give you and your sabr in this difficult time and bestow upon your ami happiness and good health. Aameen
I concur what others have said. As much as you do not feel in a festive spirit, respec your mother’s wishes. I am sure she does not want to see you all in gloomy moods and wants to give you away with good memories not sombre ones. Also all family and friends can spend time with your mother too.
Like others have said, designate other people jobs and spend as much time with your mother as you can.
I wish you the best of luck and I know this is not an ideal situation and bittersweet. However, you sound like a strong girl and I am sure whatever decision you will make, you will be supported by your loved ones.
Sonia-c, you have my most heartfelt sympathy, I wish health and serenity to your much loved mom.
I agree with everyone else here. Make your mom's wish come true, do it up in the manner that she would like to see, leave as many details as possible to others, involve your mom in the fun things that she is feeling well enough to participate in. Even if its just sitting with her and talking about all of the details. It will make her happy. And in turn, that will help her feel better.
Many hugs, I too am choking up just reading about it. May Allah bring your family peace and happiness, Ameen.
You are a strong girl.
I think you should have the wedding she has always wanted, why should it be a somber affair? I think your family needs happiness and a reason to celebrate. I think this will be a great distraction. Imagine the joy it will bring her to help you choose a jewelry set or see you in a grand wedding jora? You know, happiness and joy are great healers.
I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you leave the planning to someone else. That is a genius idea.
Finally, will you live with your husband after marriage?
My heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers.
Sonia, the wedding will be a good distraction for your mother from her cancer, she will have this positive to focus and concentrate on, inshallah. All the best.
thanks for all your kind words guys, it really helps to see someone elses point of view. anyway i think ive decided to go with what my mums saying even though im totally reluctant still, i will definetly try and delogate tasks to family members rather than do them myself. i just hope theyll all come through for me since we dont get on very well. i will try to include mum in everything but it will be hard since her health had been deteriating some what rapidly over the last few days, i just hope after all the effort thats put into the wedding she'll still be here to enjoy it IA.
and yes somehowcollide, i'll be living with my in laws after the wedding but after a lengthy phoncall with my fiance today he told me he doesnt expect me to move at all after the wedding even if we do have the rukhsati, he said i can stay home for as long as is neccessary and until im ready to move out. im so grateful for having such an amazing person to help me through this, another thing i have my mother to thank for. finding the best life companion for me ever. thanks again guys.
hey guys, ive followed this forum for months but have never posted. recently ive been really confused and upset and i know you guys are great at giving advice. i would really appreciate any help.
my mum is really ill, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 months ago and she was given max 6 months to llive. its a scary time for all of us cause we dont know when the dreaded time will fall upon us and we're just prayig that allah gives her health and inshallah cures her and gives us back our mother, cause were nothing without her.
im the youngestt in my family and the only one not married. ive been engaged for 5 moths and we werent planning on having the wedding till next year after my graduation, but obviousoly because my mum is so ill, shes pushing me to get married cause she wants to fulfill her responsibilty before she dies. i totally understand this and agreed and said i wanted a simple wedding, for my nikkah to take place in the masjid where we can all then make dua for my mum and for my ruksati to be done from there too. but my mum isnt happy with that. she wants the full works, a totally extravagent wedding, but i just cant do that. am i wrong? i know its her final wish but i just dont feel right celebrating my marriage in such a way when shes so ill. what can i say to her? or should i just do as she says? the news is out about her problem and people are coming over, doing dua, saying afsos and wishing her the best, so will they not talk if i have such a big wedding? i need youre sincere advice, if you think i should do as my mum says, how can i persuade myself into thinking my weeding is not selfish? and if you think i should try and persuade my mum? how do i do it? i dont want a big wedding, i dont wanna waste a month organising it, id rather spend that month in her arms, anything could go wrong any second. i just want to get my nikkah done infront of her and get her blessing,
my fiance is amazing and has said him and his family are happy to do whatever we want, be it a nikah with only our 2 families or a big fancy affair. help me plase, i dont know what to do...
respect ur moms wish n let things happen her way.u can hire some wedding planner instead of doing everything urself.that would still giv u time to spend with ur mom.U can just invite close family n friends to avoid lot of rush n still hav a grand weding ceremony.
i had my wedding two month after my dad passed away coz my mom waned it lke that.As she was in her iddah she didn't come to the party.i was upset abt that but everyone said to do it her way.So we had a party with only close friends n relatives from both sides.Most of the arrangement was done by men of the family.So instead of having rukhsati from the hall we all first came home to meet my mom n then from there she did my rukhsati.I had a wedding prty n walima wthout any of my parents that still makes me sad.
May Allah grant your mom health and cure her as well as grant your family patience during this trying time, Amin. I will keep your mom in my prayers.
Sonai, in my honest opinion, you should fulfill your mom's wishes. It is soooo natural for parents to want to go ALL OUT for their children's weddings. They can't help feeling this way. She's your mom, she can't help wishing for you to have the best. That's just how parents are built, Sonia. They bring you into this world, feed you, provide you all your basic needs, and provide you much more than your basic requirements. And they don't ask for anything back. That's the love that Allah has put in their hearts from the day you were born. They're so used to this, that they can't change or stop it. It's human nature.
^You're not being selfish. The same friends and family that are making dua for your mom now.....will also be present on your wedding. Most of the weddings that I have been to have had an imam do the nikah in front of all the guests in a hotel hall. You can request the imam to ask everyone to make dua on behalf of your mother.
^ And your mom KNOWS you love her. She KNOWS you ONLY have GOOD intentions by requesting a small wedding. And she UNDERSTANDS your reasons for having a small wedding. BUT its her OWN fondest wish to see you as a princess on your wedding day and have it be a more lavish occasion. So, fulfill her dream. Your mom will enjoy doing the wedding shopping and planning. Women love bonding over things like that. And MashaAllah you have a wonderful fiance and in-laws......who will fully help support the wedding preparations.......so the burden does not all fall upon your mom.
Life is so unpredictable.....so if this is your mom's fondest and biggest wish, then put a smile on her face and do this for her! Give your mom the pleasure of doing the wedding planning for her youngest daughter. The wedding planning will keep your mom's mind busy. And Sonia, since your fiance is encouraging you to continue staying with your mom after rukhsati......then take full advantage of that.
