Re: we were on a BREAK....
^^
i dont like the way u think...
Re: we were on a BREAK…
I applaud you completely for you mature attitude. I firmly believe that just as your financial futures become joined together at marriage, your financial pasts should be boudn together too.
Re: we were on a BREAK…
^^
finally u posted in my thread…
Re: we were on a BREAK....
What an immature attitude they all have.
Is she working? Why do the boys parents have to buy them a house?
Why can't they save up for their own deposit etc?
We are looking for a rishta for my brother, and I am so sick of the girls mums phoning and asking if my brother has his own place.
Yes, alhumdulillah he has a house, has had it for about 10 years now and it's on rent. The type of people that ask about accomadation straight out on the phone before even meeting us are not the type of people we want to do a rishta with.
Nowadays, women earn the same as men, some probably even earn more, so why is there still such a stigma on the man having his own place.
Surely, the compromise is that they get their own place together.
Re: we were on a BREAK....
I think this married couple should grow up and stop depending on their parents. If the parents want to buy a house for them, fine. But that should not be an expectation. It's been two years. Leave that stupid issue alone. Talk together and come up with a plan for how and when they want to buy a house, how they should save up, all of that. Their are too many people and their egos involved in this narrative. It should be the couple acting like responsible adults who decide how and when they can afford a house.
Re: we were on a BREAK…
errr y do the girls mums ask u about the house over the phone?..coz they want to make sure there daughter will be happy…every woman wants to have he own place sumtime in her life where she can do wot ever she wants upsiatrs and downstairs…
now im sorry but i dont think i could live with in-laws who had a big famiy and ‘sisters’ who cum n go as they please 24 hours serving them and i cant change the look of the house, have it painted or have a patio dun etc etc…common wen will i be able to do as i please coz its not my house its sumbody elses house…
and yes every girl wants her independenc with her hubby…so she can do wotever she wants wenever shes in the house whereever in the house…not wen 24 hours mum and abbu jee are in front of us and sisters are lingering round…
common grow up ppl…parents ki respect upni jaga by all means and sisters ki upni jaga but for godsake ppl i want my own space with my hubby…
but IF I HAD TO have my own house i’d have it big nuf so i can take care of my in-laws forever or if i was to move into their house i would atlast make sure i had to have my say and have things gone my way too…
Re: we were on a BREAK....
I think this married couple should grow up and stop depending on their parents. If the parents want to buy a house for them, fine. But that should not be an expectation. It's been two years. Leave that stupid issue alone. Talk together and come up with a plan for how and when they want to buy a house, how they should save up, all of that. Their are too many people and their egos involved in this narrative. It should be the couple acting like responsible adults who decide how and when they can afford a house.
err but in-laws wont let the son buy a house yet coz they want to gift the house to their son....so they have to wait until he dus decides to buy it for them wenever he wants.....
i think they should speak to them openly and tell them they want to start a family now and they need a bigger house....gift or no gift we'r goin ahead with it
Re: we were on a BREAK....
^Yes, there are too many people involved. They need to become more independent, even if things are hard initially. It's for the best. The parents will get over it once they see the couple comfortably settled.
Re: we were on a BREAK....
We bought our place together 3 months after the wedding. I moved into his one bed room right after shadi and then we went on a pretty long honeymoon.
We didnt depend on neither of our parents and went for it ourselves. I really enjoyed the whole process as it was the two of us making a home together!
Actually my parents had only visited his parents once before shadi and they didnt see his place at all. My dad liked him a lot. Mum was VERY sceptic to everything but funny that they didnt actually check out much about him and his family....
anways my point is that the couple should go for it themselves..be independent and make their own lives..instead of relying on others!!
Re: we were on a BREAK....
After the wedding we rented for 10 months, at which point our apartment complex was converted to condos. We had intended to find another place to rent, but in the midst of helping my inlaws find a new place, we found this house and fell in love. It's definitely more expensive than we expected to be able to afford; his father had put shares in my husband's name many years ago, and we used those to purchase the house, in addition to the mortgage. So we got much more than we could have thought thanks to his father, but he let us make all of the decisions ourselves. His parents and my parents advised us, but we had the final decision.
Re: we were on a BREAK....
the guys parents are waaayy too protective of him......i've sin that too.....like they both cant make a decision without involving the father-in-law 100%...not that eh will object but if he dus there stuck again until he does gives teh thumbs up.....
funny how ur parents **(chameli420) **never checked ur hubby out too much...my dad took a yr to say 'yes' to the rishta.......he had to make sure nothing wud happen after the wedding as the other party wern't known to us before.....
u cant expect everything to be nice and good in the first look...wot if htis and wot if that are always on parents mind...
Re: we were on a BREAK…
thatst EXCELLENT…and this is exactly how it shud be…their parents are looking for ahouse too and thewy wana move but the same time with their son…so he can live near to them…
i suggst door-to-door isnt a good idea…may be 10-15 minute drive away is fine…:halo:
Re: we were on a BREAK....
^ LOL my parents and his parents live in the same neighborhood now -- we live 10 minutes away :D
Re: we were on a BREAK....
^^
dats perfect......reasonable from all aspects....:)
Re: we were on a BREAK....
I applaud you completely for you mature attitude. I firmly believe that just as your financial futures become joined together at marriage, your financial pasts should be boudn together too.
Thanks!
You see the thing is, a lot of people prior to the actual wedding treat the groom as an outsider...not as one of their own...so yes it's almost like a business relationship.
From the outset of our engagement, ma'sha allah my mum and family in general treated my hubby as their own.... I think it's absolutely crucial.
Slightly different tangent but same subject.....my SIL recently got engaged and insha allah her wedding is in December (in India)...now her inlaws have said that they will be giving her RS xx,000 so that she can buy her jewellery and clothes from them. Then immediately the boys family said that "you will be giving them something won't you? What value?" so they agreed RSyy,000.....
Now in my opinion, that means taht the boys side only have to fork out RSzz,000 (ie the difference between what they are giving to the girl and what the girls side are paying......
These things just make me cringe...and yes it does affect the relationship between parents - but more importantly between the new husband and wife!
Re: we were on a BREAK....
the guys parents are waaayy too protective of him......i've sin that too.....like they both cant make a decision without involving the father-in-law 100%...not that eh will object but if he dus there stuck again until he does gives teh thumbs up.....
funny how ur parents **(chameli420) **never checked ur hubby out too much...my dad took a yr to say 'yes' to the rishta.......he had to make sure nothing wud happen after the wedding as the other party wern't known to us before.....
u cant expect everything to be nice and good in the first look...wot if htis and wot if that are always on parents mind...
yeah I found it funny too cuz normally my parents are like over-protective. the whole rishta process took 7 months. his parents called in between and my dad acted like 'hard to get' and his dad took that at times personally and other times he thougt that maybe my parents werent interested..God it was stressing us both back then!!!
but they never checked out stuff on hubby...Alhamdulillah that he turned out to be the bestest:))
when we bought our place my hubby said that lets not tell anyone and surprice them once we have bought it....later I found out that SIL had tried to convince him to buy the appartment just next to hers..so I guess he thought a 'surprice' was better than being pressurized/convinced to become her neighbours...
I still thank Allah for hubby's sensibility on this one!!!
Re: we were on a BREAK....
yeah I found it funny too cuz normally my parents are like over-protective. the whole rishta process took 7 months. his parents called in between and my dad acted like 'hard to get' and his dad took that at times personally and other times he thougt that maybe my parents werent interested..God it was stressing us both back then!!!
but they never checked out stuff on hubby...Alhamdulillah that he turned out to be the bestest:))
when we bought our place my hubby said that lets not tell anyone and surprice them once we have bought it....later I found out that SIL had tried to convince him to buy the appartment just next to hers..so I guess he thought a 'surprice' was better than being pressurized/convinced to become her neighbours...
I still thank Allah for hubby's sensibility on this one!!!
:)
Re: we were on a BREAK…
In that case maybe my mum should ask the girls mother if she can cook or clean… afterall she would want to make sure that my brother is taken care of.
Re: we were on a BREAK....
ok im gussing most of you guys have seen what happens with Ross and Rachel Rachel and Ross in 'friends'....the whole thing revolves round 'we were on a break' thingy.....well i have summit like that but in an asian way......
the reason im comparing this to 'break' is that how we try to move away from the past and move on but sumtime in the present or in the future...summit corrupts up and bites us again about the past...and we cant help it but breath life in it again....have arguments and sizzel in the pain of the past again n again...
a friend of mine is married now its been 2 years......she got married to him coz they both liked each other, parents were happy and it all happened okish......
it all starts wen the in-laws come to visit the girls parents for the first time to look at the girl, everyhting goes well, they like her we liked the boy and so on.......
then the girls side go over to the boys side to see them and where they live, how they live, wots the situation etc etc.....apparently they live in a really small house as in 7 ppl living in 3 bedroom house (2 singles and one double bedroom)...now that is quite tight.....anyway the girl side ignore the issue about the house coz they like the boy and his parents.....
few months pass and wen the date is about to be fixed for the wedding......the girls dad plucks up courage to finally ask the boys parents dat u live in a very small house where your own family might be comfortable as u bin living like this for 30 years.....but where are u planning to put our daughter?.....in the same house?....but it doesnt have a spare bedroom?...will u let ur son buy another house may be rent it?.....where will my daughter be living?......
at this the father-in-law smailes and assures the girls father she is in good hands, we are planning to buy her a house 2 months before the wedding, please dont worry. Fine, great all is well from everybody....
its now 3 weeks before the wedding, no sign of a house being mentioned which they assured us.....wenever the girl side asks them that how far the house has been done, they ignore the topic and move on......and sometimes they say its near to completion, wer jus having it decorated....ok all is well.....
a week before the wedding, the girls dad finally rings and asks them again theres a week left.....and its been 2 years we have bin talkin about the ristha.....engagement has been done, the date has been fixed everthign is prepared.....where r u planning to keep my daughter?.....the father-in-law hangs up the phone on the girls father........shock shock horror horror.....
a week before the wedding and the girls dad thinks the wedding is off coz they banged the phone down and they never planned to get their girl a house, they never planned to keep her anywhere..there is no space in their house....what the hell their playing at?....the son is fairly educated the father-in-law is very educated himself..there not exactly unpurh loug......girls dad cries and the girl sees his tears and she is very hurt...
major crises breaks down.....everybody gets to know the wedding is off.....for 2 days there is no communication between the 2 parties, as there was no vachaula...meaning no middle person who did this rishta.....now the girl herself is angry at the boy for not fixing a house as they had told us or not telling them that they were trying to buy the house the deal fell thru ya anything......and the guy is angry at the girl thinking.....there so laalchi....all they wanted was the house on the girls name, they were never interested in the guy etc etc...
now let the house be on the guys name by all means the girls dad ONLY wanted the safety of his daughter and wanted to see her in a nice place whether it was the in-laws or not.....but they thought he keeps on asking about the house coz there greedy and jub tuq ghur ni mile ga shaadi ni hogi....so the house became the shurt in this marriage.....
all hell breaks loose......now its 4 days before the marriage....finally the girls dad picks up his courage as he is the daughters father....izzut ka sawal hei.....he brings his daughter and his wife with him and pays a visit to the in-laws......they all sit down and discuss openly what went wrogn and y it went wrong and wot can be done to resolve this issue......
everybody had their say.....father-in-law apologised for the house saying the deal fell through and their looking for another house as soon as they can......and he openly said we think you guys are greedy about the house, you want our money and want the house in your name, ur not interested in my son at all.....girls dad said.....we shall wed our kids on in 4 days time as planned....whether a house or no house.....u dont buy your son a house for years i won't have a problem but i jus want to see the place where my daughter will be living so i know she is comfortable and happy.....
after the wedding the in-laws put the 2 kids in a rented house for tiem being, promising them soon they will buy them a house...but its bin 2 years now and nothing......
the girl and boy they are happy together.....even tho its a rented place she wasnt hoping for but yes she is happy there....her husband is a very nice person and in-laws take a lot of care of her.....but her parents and the boys parents have stopped talking to eachother......its bin 2 years and no phone call no aana jaana...which is wierd......girl side never calls them up incase the old issue about house is re-touched.....and the boy side dont wanna get in touch coz the bitter taste is still in their mouth......
because of this sometimes a fierce argument starts between my friend and her husband blaming eachother for each other parents agony...she says y did u ever promise a house in the first place, u got our hopes up dats y we kept on waiting and asking...where were u gonna put me anyway?.....and the guy argues back saying we only sed that to test u were u greedy for our money or not?.....u guys made the 'house' as a shurt for this wedding.....the girl is still hurt about her dads tears and the shock he had to go thru.......she is still 'turpying' in the pain that y all this had to happen a week before the wedding and the fact that their not talkin to her parents still....
it seems to me both sides parents were protecting their chicldren in their own way and the walls became too high......lack of communication took place and therefore in this misunderstanding about the house....
what r ur views on this?
I would side with the girl's family in this case. The girl's father should be concerned about how his daughter is going to live after her marriage. The only thing that I find wrong with what the girl's father did in this case is that he waited too long to find out about her accomodation and to express his concerns about it. If he did that from the beginning, then maybe the man's family wouldn't have thought that they were greedy. Having a suitable accomodation is the right of the wife, so it's very reasonable for her parents to be concerned about it. The inability or the unwillingness of the would be husband/inlaws to provide that would definitely cause me to question their suitability.
Re: we were on a BREAK....
Disclaimer: I am a man, and I apologize fr the logic you will see in my post below.
Why is it the responsibility of the parents of the boy to buy him a house? I see a lot of immaturity from the girl's parents on this issue. First of all if these people could afford a bigger house they would have bought it much before the rishta. Why would a family living in cramped conditions wait for a shadi in their house? I see their compromising attitude when space was brought up as an issue and they promised that they will look for one, and from what the initial post suggests they did look for one but unfortunately the deal broke down. They still did the next best thing and rented a house for the new couple.
I fully understand the girl's father's wish of expecting a good lifestyle for her daughter, but it seems quite selfish that he expected others to provide it. If that was such a big issue and beyond the means of the other side, why couldnt he buy the house for his daughter?
What kind of demands were put up by the groom's side at the time of the marriage that the bride's side felt comfortable in putting up wih such a demand? What happened to all the respect that we had in our culture? When did marriage become a financial deal? What happened to judging the man to be a responsible person, his qualities should tell you weather he will be able to provide your daughter a good living or not, putting up such demands is simply cheap.
Personally I consider house a dead investment. I have invested in real estate most of which I have already sold towards the end of last year and moved on to other investments. I built a house, which is in my dad's name and I do not consider that my house and I do not plan to get one immediately after marriage (at least at this point in time). Right now I see more beneficial investments in the market and I am focused on maximizing growth. Even if I do buy property it will probably be because a good deal was available and it will surely not be for living in it myself. I do not wish to discuss this with my future in-laws. They should look at my education, my current job position, the compatibility between me and their daughter and then make the decision. They have no right to ask me to buy a house for their daughter. If they believe it is beyond my means, dont give the rishta.