We both firm to marry but not both families

Dear Fellows,

I need a moral help. I describe the story first:

One and a half year ago, two of the families decided to engage me with Hina. I was asked before going to start the talks with the other family.

Hina’s father is Prof. Sh. M. Ashfaq and his family became agree on the proposal and almost after 6 months a formal engagement of me and Hina was done, in December 2007. Good time passed in 4-5 months and during that both of families have no confliction between them. After that confliction and missunderstanding started occuring between two families.

Actually, Hina’s parent asked for immidiate marriage but my parents replied that thay wanted to perform another duty alongwith that marriage, that is in shape of marriage of my sisters. My in-laws refused to accept this and said to keep the things independent of each other. My father in law also foreced my side to show a timeline for the program. Because we were searching for bridegrooms for my sisters, so it was difficult to show a discrete timeline. That point was taken very serious by the both families and this point dissected both of the families.

After that discuss, the communication went into jam mode and nobody from each of the family tried to contact each other. Heads of each family kept expectation that the other side should have to contact. (and after a long time both have this justification that other side did not try to contact us).

In the meanwhile I and Hina decide to leave each other in such situation because we both have no guilty in all the matter. (We are still firm)

The 3rd sources (neighbours and other people) double crossed both sides and acted a very negative role and passed negative remarks of the one side to the other. That communication was completely based on lie. I tried to communicate this thing to heads of each family but no body tried to understand my request.

After 4-5 month of our engagement my parents broken our engagement. I and Hina showed our reactions and anger immidiately to our respective families. But we found that no one was going to understand our feelings.

After this insident, Hina’s family started looking an alternative for her. But she asked them that she was not agree. But they tried to blackmail her emotionally. She is still firm and denying to accept what her parents are saying on this point.

On the other hand, I became quite for sometime in my home. But after some time I started requesting again to my elders that how could we start talking again with Hina’s family. Actually I and Hina decided to get married under the prayer of our parents. But now the situation is that ego is biggest god here which is hurdle in the way of our life.

I and Hina are still hopeful that we’ll get married with each other. We are just looking around for the safest way.

Does anyone have solution for this problem. My yahoo id is mfaisalmirz, for suggestions.

Regards,
Faisal

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

wow this is a very complicated yet typical situation. It is understandable from the girl's side pov why they wated a timeline as it may take many years for your sisters to get married. Parents often are not happy with this kind of situation. Both of you must talk to your parents. I personally feel that the guy's side (your family) should take the first step and leave their egos aside. If not it's about time to move on :)

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

Bhai Faisal

Me also agree with arzoo.

You are the guys family, u should propose them not them to u.\

You are the man, if u truly like the girl, you will have to make things better again.

The girl is a girl she has no power over her parents. So u will have to take initiative.

I think if u showed continued interest to her parents and respect they will not wana loose a good guy like u.

get what i mean

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

I agree too..from a girls point of view... i think u and your family should take the first step...
In a similiar story: something like this happened to a friend of mine.... and her parents attempted to get her engaged again....but she refused... so the boy convinced his family saying that its not he girls fault...emotional blackmail kinda works: he said if u dont come with me i'll just go by myself but you'll be losing a son......

Now they r happily married and have two beautifl kids MashAllah!

How can parents break an engagement? It's both you and your partner who can break it.

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

Faisal
First off, you should never mention any names in your post unless they are made-up names especially when you talk about girls. Secondly, I believe, parents are the best judge and love you and her more than anyone else.

You should listen to your parents and leave the rest to Allah.

In our culture, parents can do this because engagement has no religious significance.

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

Thanks, It's truely a quick response from all of the recipients. The response speed of you people is quicker than that of my expectation.

Yes, the situation is more complicated. Actually, I also tried to talk my in-laws and passed a message to be calm down for a while and that I am doing hard to convince people from my home. On the other hand I am seriously looking to resolve my other other home matters so that my parents can feel a bit relaxation. Then I can convince them in a better way. But the problem is that the other side is searching for alternative anxiously.
Anyway, I am searching for a person who can talk with both side and can convinse them about the importance of the matter. I straightly told my home that I'll not look anywhere else except the current relationship and I could not accept that breakage deciosion yet.

RealityCheck, your suggestion and guidance is precious for me. Actually, the names I used in the story are not real, although the story is real. So nothing to worry for that matter. Secondly, I strongly pay respect to my elders, that's why I am still requesting to my parents to listen my voice. Reason to share the things with this forus is to get a better opinion that it is always better to get and opinion from some independant sources.

I might be stirring this off topic - but - if you say "engagement" has no religious significance - then I'd be very scared.

Although, it might be true, that engagement has no religious significance - BUT - engagement is a BIG commitment from a heart to a family.

If "engagement" has no religious significance - then any guy - can ALWAYS fool a girl by "engaging" and then turning out saying "it has no religious significance".

Re: We both firm to marry but not both families

NJMasti, That is what I am requesting to both side elders. Secondly, I requested my family "how much easy is it to remove the affiliations created during the engagement?".

I agree with NJMast, this does not mean that I am disagree with RealityCheck. Engagement has some significant but we the people with the south east asian culture prolong it too much that we fell into deap conflictions.

I once heared from a well known Islamic Scholar that we made Nikah difficult that's why we fell into deap social problem. So try to make it simple.