Re: Ways to Avoid Arguments
-Develop an open communication style with your partner. Set aside time to share your thoughts and feelings. This can prevent feelings being repressed that can lead to arguments later.
Keep a sense of humor and don't take yourself too seriously. Sometimes arguments can be avoided by not taking every situation so seriously. Decide if the issue is even worth arguing about. Oftentimes it's not.
Allow your partner to express themselves about things they dislike without being defensive or feeling the need to prove them wrong. Arguments can often be avoided by letting your partner blow off steam.
**Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. **Be sympathetic to his feelings and understand that when he expresses something it doesn't mean it is a personal attack on you.
Try to talk about and resolve all issues so that the argument does not become a recurring theme if you do argue. Most parents and grandparents advise never to go to bed angry at your partner.
*Stubbornness **Communication always begins with a willingness to exchange ideas on a topic in an attitude of openness and love. However, when a conflict arises with your spouse, do you dig in your heels and refuse to communicate? Do you insist upon *your way, or your viewpoint? Stubbornness is like a wall that you set up between you and your mate. This obstacle inhibits intimacy and hardens your hearts in the midst of conflict. The wall of stubbornness must come down if communication is ever to become effective in your relationship
When you are not willing to admit your fault One of the primary ways you reveal your stubbornness is by being unwilling to acknowledge your own personal faults. When both of you are offended by the others’ behavior, nothing will be accomplished until someone acknowledges his or her own personal fault. It is usually not just one person’s problem. In most cases it takes two people to cause a conflict. You may be responsible for 10% of the problem, or 90% of the problem, it makes no difference. You must take responsibility for your part of the problem.
Consequently, stop the "blame game" and the finger-pointing and start taking some responsibility for your part in the conflict. Admitting that you are at least partially at fault is the quickest and easiest way to solve any communication breakdown. Why not give it a try when the next conflict occurs
Comparison Something else that hinders effective communication is comparison. If you say things like, "You are just like your mother," or "Why can’t you act like your father?" you are making a serious mistake. Comparing your spouse with others will always bring your conversation to a dead end. Your mate will consider this a personal put-down and will immediately move into a defensive posture. Comparison is a sword that cuts right to the heart. Your mate will think you are being unfair because he is not precisely like any other person. You have made a gross generalization that you and your spouse will now waste time arguing about.
Therefore, instead of comparing your spouse with others, why not try dealing with the specific issues that are driving you apart and destroying your relationship? This would be the best use of your time and effort in communication.
Bringing up the past Many times in my counseling, couples have come in with horrendous stories of how past failures have been used as a club to beat the other into submission. An intense argument has ensued, and in the end, nothing was accomplished. The only result was more anger, frustration, and, of course, greater distance between the two
Personally, I look at the past as something that you can’t do much about. The two things you can do with past sins and failures is to reconcile them and then forget them and go forward.
However, to forget the things which are behind you, you must first forgive and reconcile them. To gain this forgiveness, go and discuss these unresolved issues with your mate and resolve them once and for all. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always the first steps toward putting an issue behind you and to opening the door to a closer relationship.
Then, determine that you will never bring that issue up again to use as a weapon against your spouse. Deal only with the present. This will keep you out of trouble and make your communication productive.
Attacking your spouse Have you ever had a conversation where you and your spouse spend the entire time attacking each other? One charge after another is made while the actual issue that started the conflict is forgotten. When couples are in the attack mode it is usually because they have not resolved past issues which they are not willing to forgive.
If you are ever going to effectively communicate and resolve issues, you must begin to attack the problem instead of the person. This is fundamental to solving any conflict. But, how can you stop attacking each other and start attacking the problem?
First, you must examine your own heart and acknowledge what your contribution is to the conflict. This will really help you identify the problem. It is especially important to identify what kind of communication problems you are having (i.e. Not listening, talking too much, not talking enough, interrupting, sentence finishing, blameshifting, or explosive anger).
Second, you must acknowledge your fault without trying to attack your spouse with condemning comments. Most of the time if you will approach your spouse with a humble and soft answer, it will keep your spouse from becoming defensive.
Finally, resolve the problem by asking his or her forgiveness. Lovingly seek a long-term solution so that the same problem won’t erupt again. When you take these actions there will be no need to attack each other.
Exaggeration Have you ever had a conversation where your spouse said to you, "You always do this" or "You never do what I ask" or "Every time you come home this happens!"? What goes through your mind when you hear these words? Don’t you immediately think of at least one circumstance when you took the action you are now being charged with never doing? You then respond, "I don’t always do that." Your spouse thinks, He doesn’t believe he ever does this. Then your mate proceeds to give you another example of your failure. This conversation then quickly descends to charges and counter charges.
The only way to defuse this kind of dead end communication is to stop exaggerating. The words always, never, or every time, work like gasoline on the fire of an argument. These words will cause an angry explosion because your spouse can always think of at least one time he or she did do what you say* never* occurs. The only solution to exaggeration is "...speaking the truth in love...". The truth may be that your spouse many times or rarely does this or that, as opposed to always or never. Therefore, be fair and honest as you speak with your loved one. The fruit will be rewarding.
and should not judge each other without knowing all the facts