Visits to parents house.... discussion

Lifestyle Relationships
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This is a multifold problem, in some things I am wrong and in some things my significant other is. The purpose of posting it here is to identify, what is wrong and what is not, and how to work out these problems between the two of us.

My wife’s parents live at 5mins drive from our place. She visits them 5-6 times a week (every week since we got married in January this year), including one whole day. Some days I’m fine with this. But mostly it really pisses me off. It feels like she doesn’t want to stay here, if she wants to go there so much.

We dated for a while before marrying, so I know how much time she used to spend with family. She hardly spent 5 hours/week with parents, not because she was working or studying, just locked in room or out with friends.
So the problem is that I think this is too much, I have made it clear to her that once/twice a week is more than enough, but she keeps going, and asking to go. I never say no, because I don’t want her to stay here against her will.
She spent last three days at her parents, from 8am- 11pm. On the fourth day she again went in the evening, and when she got back, I was angry/pissed mad.

The problem with me is that I don’t know how to be expressive; I shut-down completely when something goes against me. I told her not to talk to me or to leave me alone, and go enjoy time with her parents, at which she started crying and shouting and nagging. I kept silent for a long time. I don’t want to talk when I am angry, I like to be left alone, but she keeps pushing and pushing and nagging. And finally I say hurtful stuff which makes her cry more, and more. I didn’t mean to say those things; I just wanted silence and time alone to deal with **** in my head.

And in this anger, I rationalized that if she likes to spend so much time there, which implies she doesn’t like living here, so she should actually go back and start living there, if we want we can meet once-twice a week. There is no need of this coming and going every-day, I will be happy and she will be happy. (I actually said that)
Whenever we don’t have a common activity to do, or if I am busy with anything that doesn’t involve her, she thinks going to her parents is ok. She argues that I am doing zulm by limiting her visits to her parents, or putting pabandi on her. Is this justified? Is this pabandi/zulm, she also points out that I myself let her go, and in every instance I drop her at her home and pick her up, so this is doghla pan, or hypocrisy on my part that I let her go and then complain that she goes. The reason I don’t forbid her actively ever is that I don’t want to impose things on her, I don’t want her to stay here against her will. Is this hypocrisy?

So wise community of gupshup forum, please shed some light on the issues stated above, your opinions/advice will be highly appreciated.

Cheers,
crabman

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Lol..bro...this reminded me off something. Someone who has gone through same..would tell you..this is NOT zulm. Zulm is when you are not letting her visit to her parents house.

Now let me ask you this, does she work, studies to keep herself busy? If the answer to that is no then..she really needs to find job to keep herself busy.
Second question...is she unhappy with someone in your household or marriage in general?.

And if you said what you said out of anger and frustration...i dont blame you. After a while it really gets on your nerves. Relationship requires balance and commitment from both partners. And if the balance is not there..unfortunately... Things are bound to go down hill.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Do you live with your parents and siblings? Is this a joint family set up?
I can tell you, she is not happy with your living situation. Ask her why she goes over so often and what you can do at home to make her happy. I

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Exactly. Many times it happens when they are not happy because something is making her uncomfortable. Find out what it is....And try yourself to be bigger person by being understanding which you already are. She is your wife, have a talk with her. At times, women are looking for assurance that you are with her thick and thin and need your support....

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Honestly that's a LOT esp since you just got married

The go home and live there part - This part, honestly, was stupid on your part. You should not have suggested this and I really recommend you go to her sit down apologise and explain you said it in anger and that you don't mean it. Obviously you wanna spend more time with her.

It is not hypocrisy cos like you said you don't want to force her. Sounds like your wife knows you won't stop her and is using this to her advantage to manipulate you into feeling bad so you carry on letting her go without saying anything. Harsh but yeah. You need to have a sit down and let your emotions out. First year and the honeymoon stage, plan dates etc and spend time together.

And with going to parents, explain to her you want her to be at home to get use to leaving her parents ( sounds like she hasn't accepted that she's left home). Cos her parents won't stop her and you bet your a$$ if your arguing and she's going home everyday she is or will start telling her mum everything = not good for you. And sometimes make an effort to go with her, girls appreciate this.

Anyway good luck!

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Yes it is a joint family setup, I live with my parents. My mom is stay at home mother, and me and dad go to work, and come in the evening. Besides that I have a school going brother. I personally don't think that anyone at home is the problem. It feels like that she is not willing to accept that fact that this is her home now, and should be her priority.
According to her, she misses them, and enjoys spending time with them. She also says, that she wasn't good to her parents before, and didn't spend time with them, so now she wants to make-up for that.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

She has registered for FCPS exam, which is in September, but she isnt studying at all. Whereas I think she should be studying in free time rather than visiting her parents so often.

She doesn't say so, that she is unhappy with anything, and yes i feel it too, because of this too much home going that she might be unhappy with something here, hence my proposal for her to stay there if that makes her happy.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

I was super close to my family as well when I got married. Like super close. My parents knew this and actually decided to cut the umbilical cord themselves. So they left town for 3 weeks after I got married. LOL.

If you just got married, you will have to give her some time and set some ground rules with her. Meaning, its not okay to spend 5 days a week at your parents place after you are married just because you can. In that kind of a set up, you can never fully make a transition to your new home to create a separate family unit because you never detached from the original unit.

You are wrong to tell her to just stay there. You are also wrong in not talking to her. How is she supposed to feel when you clamp up and don't talk? She is simply left to her own imagination to figure it out and in her mind, she didn't do anything wrong.

My suggestion: be clear, firm and open. Talk to her because you have to...she is your wife and has a right to know what is bothering you.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

Sorry if you already mentioned this, but is she going over when you are at work and then come home when you're home? or she's gone the whole time? If the latter, that's really not reasonable of her.

and please for hte love of god STOP IT, stop shutting down. I'm a nagging wife, I would nag and I still do, and my husband was in the habit of staying quiet as well, but in the long run it does not help.

try being positive, say you want to spend time with her. Don't be sarcastic or angry. If you're angry, it'll sound like youre forcing her to spend time.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

She is uncomfortable and possibly unhappy with this living arrangement. How would you feel if you had to move out of your family home and move into someone else's? Wouldn't you be uncomfortable? It takes time, sometimes too much timw. If you don't plan on moving out, make sure your wife has something to keep her busy. Does she work? If not, encourage her to find a part time job until she finishes school. The less she has to stay home, the more she will miss it and will be tired and less interested in hanging at her mayka for hours on end.

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Re: Visits to parents house.... discussion

When i got married my wife was same. Going to her parents house everyday. And we moved out, its not like we lived with my parents. Now that its been more than 2 years she has settled down and much more comfy. What i am saying is, i used to mind a lot because she neglected on other duties which i expected from her.
Looking back, she now realizes her mistakes and accepted that she took me for granted. I was just simply happy because she realized at least. I remained patient with her. Is just how women are, be patient with her. And keep reminding her payar say about her duties without taunting or even show your angry man self. Hope this helps. Go get her, appologize and talk to each other.