my dad is very very sick. Stage 4 lung cancer with metastasis to brain. He’s going downhill now, fast. My boys (age 5, 4 and 2) know that gra-poo is very sick.
So how do you talk to little ones about sickness and death? What to tell them? Have any of you had this sad experience? My sympathies are certainly with you, its so very hard.
Any advice/experience in this would be appreciated.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Sorry to hear about your father.
My grandfather died when I was four. At the time, I was the youngest among his grand children and thus his favorite. I don't remember anything about his death, even though I have pictures that show that I was crying standing next to his coffin and seemed too distressed for a four year old. The point being while death is traumatic for young and for old but we as human beings are very resilient and we do get used to it. Your children will probably get through it far better than you or other older folks.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Sorry to hear about your dad, I lost mine when I was 14. I hope his rest of the life is as comfortable as it can be.
I thought about it a lot, keeping myself in your position. Like what happens if God forbid I have to give the bad news about my mom to my daughters. Believe you me I could not find any good way at all. As I have mentioned sometimes my wife is very religious person, I will ask her to pray for your dad.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Sincere condolences on the condition of your father. I will pray for him.
I am a proponent of talking to kids about most anything. Noor witnessed her grandfather's demise from Cancer. In fact, she was in the room when he took his final breath. She was 15 months old. I know that at the time, she was fully aware of what was going on. While it can be said that some of her disposition/reaction was influenced by the sombre mood in the house, her grandmother's tears, etc., there is yet no explanation for why that little child walked back into the room where dad lay and confidently but in a sad voice, declared, "Dad, Allah".
I'm sure that she will have no recollection of this. But I am glad that I didn't "protect" her from the facts. I hope that she will be able to accept that we all must pass more easily than those that are kept away from such things.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I dont hide anything from the boys, they see my tears and know that gree-poo is so very sick and that makes mommy cry.
I just dont know what to tell them about dying, about sickness that cannot be healed...they're so young. How to explain in a way that they can understand? Yes, there are shrinks and social workers who can advise on this but I have no trust whatsoever in "mental health" professionals....I know many and all of them without exception need the assistance of their own profession yeah? Anyway, I want to hear from "real people" and real experiences....real advice.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
While the young ones may not be able to fully grasp the concept of death, they will understand that one goes to be with one’s creator…or to heaven. That’s all they need to be told. Children are quite simple…we are the ones that have difficulty simplifying things. Once given an explanation that they can accept, they don’t push.
I would simply tell them that there are illnesses that cannot be healed. That’s what scientists do…look for cures. But somethings cannot be fixed.
And if the dreaded “Why?” or “Why not?” comes up. It’s okay to give them a hug and say, “I don’t know.”
On a side note…
Noor is learning about death with her aquarium these days. It has become her responsibility to feed them every morning before going to school. It is also her responsibility to remove any that die and give them a fitting funeral in the toilet. 
It was working fine and I was getting concerned that she didn’t show any emotion at the poor dead fish swirling down the toilet bowl, until one of the fish that she had named actually died. “Jordan”, the pretty dark blue guppy was found at the bottom of the tank one evening. While she carried him to the toilet in the net I saw the expression on her face sadden. She took her time to flush him and once she did, she said, “Mama, I don’t want Jordan to go to the ocean. I don’t want the sharks to eat him. I want him to go to the ocean and be alive again and then come back to me.” Tough lesson for a 3.5 year old to learn. When we die, we don’t come back. But the sooner we start working on it, the easier it will be to accept.
When my mother had been ill and we were convinced that she was not going to come back home from the hospital, we bought my youngest niece a hamster. It was to help her learn the very same lesson. That hamster did his job. He passed away two months before my mother did.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
So how do you talk to little ones about sickness and death? What to tell them? Have any of you had this sad experience? My sympathies are certainly with you, its so very hard.
Any advice/experience in this would be appreciated.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
Your 5 &4 y/o are old enough to grasp the concept of their grandpa going away. They will grieve and they'll need to be part of the group that's grieving. Tell them everything. Include them in all the grieving process(es) and let them grieve. If they have trouble sleeping etc., have them sleep with you. In case of any night terrors, have a counsellor (sp?) talk to them.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
im so sorry about your dad, cancer is a difficult thing to go through, i went through the same thing when my aunt got ovarian cancer. she had grandchildren and we were very honest with them. we told them that daddi was sick and that if she didn't get better it was ok cause she would go live with allah, and that it was ok to miss her; like people said be honest and tell them the truth as well as ways for them to grieve.
my prayers are with you and your family.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
I am very sorry to hear about your Dad, may God help him and you.
I dunno, but why bother the young ones, why put them in distress? Yesterday when i was grieving the death of my friend my children looked confused and bit distressed and kept asking me whats wrong. I just asked their grand pa to take them to park and they have been happy sinve then.
Just tell them that all people die and then they go to God or something along these lines.
This will provide emotional support and not feel too depressed. I don't know if involving them in grieving does any good.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
I am so sorry to hear about your father. My God give him comfort in his final days.
My oldest daugther was 6 when my grandmother passed away. The two of them were very close, and it was difficult because my daughter was very aware of what was going on around her. We just told her that my grandmother had gone to a better place. We also gave her the book "what's Heaven" by Maria Shriver. It seemed to help her relate to what was going on. She carried it everywhere for a couple of months, and even took it to show and tell at school. One important thing is to make sure that there are other close friends or family members to help you with your boys at this time. Sometimes we become so wrapped up in our own grief that we dont' always make sure to explain everything to our kids. My son, who was older, had a lot of questions about the whole dying process, and since my grandmother was embalmed and we had a visitation and funeral in a church, he wanted to know about that as well. I think that was his first time in a church.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Thank you all once again for the kind words, advice and support.
Icon, I must involve the boys as they adore and idolize their gree-poo. They will notice that he;s no longer around very quickly and very definitely. I dont intend to keep their focus on sadness, I'd rather try to help them celebrate his life in some way. And help them to understand that he will always watch over them but they will not be able to see him, that he has gone away to a better place. INshallah, we will get thru this.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Any one remembers the poem " we are seven"
that is the best piece of poetry i have read bout death and kids.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
A Simple Child,
That lightly draws its breath,
And feels its life in every limb,
What should it know of death?
I met a little cottage Girl:
She was eight years old, she said;
Her hair was thick with many a curl
That clustered round her head.
She had a rustic, woodland air,
And she was wildly clad:
Her eyes were fair, and very fair;
--Her beauty made me glad.
"Sisters and brothers, little Maid,
How many may you be?"
"How many? Seven in all," she said
And wondering looked at me.
"And where are they? I pray you tell."
She answered, "Seven are we;
And two of us at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea.
"Two of us in the church-yard lie,
My sister and my brother;
And, in the church-yard cottage, I
Dwell near them with my mother."
"You say that two at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea,
Yet ye are seven!--I pray you tell,
Sweet Maid, how this may be."
Then did the little Maid reply,
"Seven boys and girls are we;
Two of us in the church-yard lie,
Beneath the church-yard tree."
"You run about, my little Maid,
Your limbs they are alive;
If two are in the church-yard laid,
Then ye are only five."
"Their graves are green, they may be seen,"
The little Maid replied,
"Twelve steps or more from my mother's door,
And they are side by side.
"My stockings there I often knit,
My kerchief there I hem;
And there upon the ground I sit,
And sing a song to them.
"And often after sunset, Sir,
When it is light and fair,
I take my little porringer,
And eat my supper there.
"The first that died was sister Jane;
In bed she moaning lay,
Till God released her of her pain;
And then she went away.
"So in the church-yard she was laid;
And, when the grass was dry,
Together round her grave we played,
My brother John and I.
"And when the ground was white with snow,
And I could run and slide,
My brother John was forced to go,
And he lies by her side."
"How many are you, then," said I,
"If they two are in heaven?"
Quick was the little Maid's reply,
"O Master! we are seven."
"But they are dead; those two are dead!
Their spirits are in heaven!"
'Twas throwing words away; for still
The little Maid would have her will,
And said, "Nay, we are seven!"
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
and seven they shall remain....forever until the end of time.
beautiful piece of poetry....thanks for sharing.....brought tears to my eyes.
Mamaof3,
Your idea of celebrating gree-poo's life is a good one. Perhaps you may want to make a memoir book with your kids. Include photos of them with their grandfather from special occassions that have passed....and make new memories by taking photos now. Nothing sparks a memory like a photo.
You can also write down accounts of things that happened with your father when the kids were not around....I suspect that this will help [bold]your[/bold] grieving process as well.
And keep sharing with us....
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Thank you so much Ms Muzna, you are very kind.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
I am very sorry to hear about your dad.. i was about 11 when my dad started getting ill and 13 when he died from stomach cancer .. near the end i could see how weak he was getting and how he could do less and less things himself.. i remember how angry i used to get in the last months of his life at the doctors for not doing anything.. had no clue they had said that nothing could be done.. i wasn't told we were loosing him :(..
My prayers are with your dad.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
I am very sorry to hear about your dad.
It is really tough situation to tell children but i told my daughter when somene dies it directly goes to Jannah thats the only thing their minds will understand at this age.
Re: Very tough situation, what to do?
Im really sorry to hear abt ur fathers illness. I know how hard it is as my dad passed away nearly 2 years ago. I was just relieved that he got to see my daughter and that he saw me get married. My daughter was very young when my dad passed away but i have photos of my dad with my daughter and she recognises that its her "naana". My prayers r with ur father.