http://chowk.com/bin/showa.cgi?bshah_jun06
When Riz Khan Came to Town
by Bina Shah
The month of May has been nothing but trouble for Pakistan, what with a deadly heat wave, the terrorist attack outside the Sheraton Hotel, and the haunting specter of a nuclear war with India. The only bright spot this month has been the visit of media icon Riz Khan to the country, proof that the West has not abandoned Pakistan just yet…
Khan is here to conduct a ten part series of hard-hitting interviews with the people who matter in Pakistan; the series is informally dubbed “Hard Talk Pakistan”. It is said that Tim Sebastian had to be sedated when he was first told of the assignment. Khan saved the day by offering to step into Sebastian’s shoes. Sebastian recovered from his illness, sent Khan a telegram saying “Good luck, you poor sod” and was later seen partying at a London nightclub with members of the Australian cricket team the night Khan’s flight left Heathrow for Islamabad.
As soon as Khan arrived in Islamabad, he was given a hero’s welcome and received by the Foreign Minister with all the protocols due an honored state guest. Not since Bill Clinton’s trip has there been this much excitement over a foreign dignitary’s visit. Jack Straw, arriving later in the week, had to make do with being received by an undersecretary of the Agriculture Ministry and a quick-drop to his hotel in a Suzuki van.
Khan’s first interview was with General Pervez Musharraf. The interview was deemed a runaway success by all who watched it. Khan asked all the right questions, and the President was so pleased with Khan’s respect and demeanor that he offered to allow Khan to cast a delayed vote in the Presidential referendum on air (Khan had to regretfully refuse on the basis of being a British citizen). The interview was broadcast on PTV at half hour intervals over the following 48 hours, interspersed with scenes of the latest successful missile tests and shots of Indian soldiers who looked too weak to hold up their guns properly.
Many notaries made desperate attempts to be interviewed. These included Meera, who wanted to talk about the potential for Oscar caliber actresses from the Pakistani film industry; several prominent maulanas who claimed to know the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden; and some politicians who wanted to propose to Queen Elizabeth/George Bush that Pakistan be taken back into the British Empire/made the 51st American state. These requests had to all be turned down as the guests had already been finalized for the series.
As part of the time honored tradition of Pakistani hospitality, Khan was given an effusive welcome by the who’s who of Pakistani society. Khan was invited to breakfasts, dinners, lunches, teas, brunches, get-togethers, weddings, raves, and even the funeral of a noted bureaucrat’s father. It is said that invitations to gatherings in Khan’s honor are being sold on the black market for enormous sums of money.
Much interest was displayed in Khan’s personal life too. Hard-hitting Pakistani journalists turned the tables on Khan and interviewed him for several daily newspapers, revealing the deep secrets of Khan’s life, such as the fact that he likes karahi chicken and was raised in Hounslow.
Khan admitted in one such interview to the News that he was looking to settle down with a Muslim woman of Pakistani origin. Given that Khan is a relatively young, single, straight media icon with all his original teeth and hair intact, the women of Pakistan have interpreted this as a green signal to vie for his favor. The hotel where the BBC crew is staying has received 14,357 marriage proposals by fax to date (the Guinness Book of World Records has been notified), marriage bureaus across the country are offering their services to Khan for free, and Deepak Perwani has already sent across a silk sherwani to Khan in case he decides to hold the wedding reception before he leaves Pakistan later this month.
Khan was last seen running down the Mall Road pursued by a huge crowd of beautiful women dressed in designer wedding outfits, reminiscent of Chris O’Donnell hotfooting it down the streets of San Francisco in “The Bachelor”. But Khan need not fear the onslaught of the prospective brides. In case he is trapped into a forced marriage with a partner not of his own choosing, he can count on the British High Commission and the Foreign Office to rescue him from certain doom. Who said it didn’t pay for Asians to be British citizens anymore?
:hehe: