Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi everyone,

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and I just had my baby shower a few days ago as I am expecting my first child in 1 month.

Alhumdolilah I received a ton of very generous gifts and money from family, friends and co-workers.

Usually it is customary that the grandparents from both sides help to buy the more big ticket items (i.e. stroller/car seat, crib etc.) and the other guests buy smaller stuff.

My mother is buying me the travel system that I want ($375 value) and has already bought me so many other items for the baby as well. She does not work but has spent whatever little money she has on buying me such generous gifts.

My in-laws were also generous and have given me $200 to put towards whatever I need for the baby and they said they will get a proper gift when the baby arrives Inshallah.

My step-mother who was at the baby shower pulled me to the side during the event and said how she feels so ashamed that she came empty handed and said that my dad has my gift. I told her no worries as it doesn’t matter if I get it at the shower or right after and it is also not her responsibility to give me a gift. She does not work. My father works and it is his responsibility to give me a gift not hers. If he wanted to he could have given it to her to bring to the shower but I just assumed maybe he wanted to give it to me himself later on.

After the baby shower my father and step-mother came to our house. They stayed for a while, had dinner, chai yata yata and then they left. My father never gave me any gift or even a card with cash or anything.

Background: My parents have been divorced for 22 years and I have never had a good relationship with him. I tolerate him because I really like my step-mother - she is a total sweetheart. We keep in touch and are civil with each other but I am not very close to him because of how he treated my mother (he was abusive towards her). Growing up the courts had to force him to pay child support - he never did it on his own free will. Also, he has never given me birthday gifts or money on ANY occasion. He gave me a bit of cash on my wedding and that was it and that was cuz it was my wedding so I guess he felt he had to and he knew I was paying per head for the banquet hall. He has always been like this. Granted he does not make a ton of money but I KNOW he has enough to get me even a small gift if he wanted to. My step mother told me how he is super excited about the pending arrival of my baby inshallah, so why wouldn’t he want to give something?

I feel very upset with him. Not because I am greedy because to be honest it is not about the monetary value it is about the fact that he didn’t even think to give me something on this special occasion. To be clear I do not NEED his financial support at all, but it hurts that he wouldn’t want to help out by giving us something. It is actually quite SHAMEFUL to receive gifts from everyone except your own father. I feel ashamed so I don’t know how he doesn’t feel ashamed about it. Now he is calling me leaving messages like everything is ok and I am mad at him.

My question is, should I confront him about this. I want to know WHY he thinks it is ok to do what he did and not even feel the slightest guilt about it? My mother has given me SO much and she doesnt even have to and she doesnt even have much money and he is giving me absolutely nothing. Again, I don’t care about the monetary value, I just feel hurt that my own father could care less.

Sorry for the long post but am I right to feel this way. It is not normal for a father to act like that right?

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

:hugz:

I can’t understand what you are going through, but can only imagine how tough it is. I don’t even think it’s the issue of the gift it self, but rather a culmination of the relationship with your father throughout your life. Hang in there and don’t let joy of the baby arriving into your life soon be affected by this.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

What do you expect from a man, who never cared for his wife and left her alone with a baby and started his own life!!
Seriously! Do You expect anything from him! Forget it! :disgust:

Aw…come here :hug:

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

you still have a month to go. let the baby arrive first woman.

sorry but it sounds abit harsh, ok so hes let you down. firstly hes a man, men dont ever think about these things esp a baby who hasnt arrived yet. secondly, i doubt he wont give u anything. wait til the baby arrives.

i detest getting presents/stuff for baby before baby arrives. god forbid anything to go wrong, but i personally would wait til after delivery to get the main bits. doesnt take long to get all the stuff. or atleast 1 week beforehand.

secondly if it was my dad, husband, brother etc, i dnt think they would even know what a baby shower is or thinka present was necessary.

anyway il say it again, wait til baby arrives, befor you moan about who didnt get you a gift for a person who isnt born yet.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

plus why would you expect anything from someone of his background anyway. least you expect is best. i wouldnt touch my dad with a bargepole if he had done the same thing.

what did u get for ur wedding from ur dad? THAT should tell you enough.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Your step-mom is a total sweet heart, and she told you that your dad has the gift.

trust her and be patient.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

I would wait it out too. Let the baby come and see what happens then.....

You are not wrong to feel as you do.....it is only natural to be hurt by this.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

my dear .. he is ur real Father and whatever he does, forgive it ... and don't think about this event ... its no big deal

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Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Feel so sorry for u hunny
Well don't be upset and just focus on yourself your kid and ur loved ones

I can understand ur pain as that's what happened to my mother as well she was like in a situation like u and she also had a sweet step mum but ur father had a right to gift u something if he was shy etc he could of gave it to ur step mum to give it from him but just wait a lil and if ur child is born n he still doesn't gift u tell him off n obviously no one is hungry for things as eeryone can afford it but by someone gifting u it makes u happy but ur real mum and sasuraal have given u quiet alot so just wait n see then tell him off

Take care
N don't think much as it will hurt u

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Ppl like him aren't worth the stress.
u have ur mum n ur family n best of all ur child will have a good dad so focus on those who are there and will be there for you
.I'm sure he knew how much it would mean to u ,it's not about giving a gold bangle it's about the gesture, i'm pretty sure even a baby blanket would have meant as much as something of monetary value but he must of thought 'ab bhi dena hoga and later when baby arrives' then as well. Khair u cant fix such ppl's mentality .

Enjoy this time and ur blessings of such a good mum :)

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Wait until the baby arrives and if he does not give a present then talk to him about your feelings. Both you are adults and should be able to communicate with each other. I am sure cares about you.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

maybe hes waiting for the baby to be born? like you said, hes not super rich so maybe he cant afford tons of gifts and wants to give you the gift he has when the baby comes.

be patient.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Wait until baby gets here…:hugz:

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

I don't mean to be insensitive but this is my honest opinion - Gifts aren't meant to be compulsory, are they? If someone gives you something, that's very kind of them. If not, it's okay to feel bad but it's not worth stressing about, especially if you yourself admit that you're not very close to the person to begin with. You have a gift from Allah to look forward to, focus on that.

I say this because I've seen new mothers be depressed about silly things like oh I'm supposed to get a sonay ka set for giving birth and I didn't get one... This to me is just silly and ruins for you and your spouse what's supposed to be a time for joy and celebration.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Based on how your father has treated you your whole life.......I'm not sure why you expect him to change right now. Did you do or say anything to give you the impression that somehow he'll change his behavior towards you just because you're pregnant? I understand that being treated like this by your father must be very hurtful for you.....but for your own sake, you need to stop expecting your father to act any differently now than he has your entire life. Your father will NOT change. Of course, he may act different temporarily if you throw a fit.......but you will not change who he is as a person. As painful as this may be, the sooner you accept that, the less pain you'll cause yourself in the long run.

In the last 22 years, have you ever confronted him about why he was abusive towards your mother? Have you ever confronted him about why he needed the court to force him to pay child support? Did you ever ask him why he never gave you any birthday gifts? I ASSUME you never have. So if you never cared enough to confront him in 22 years.....what's different now? Whatever his reasons for were doing all those things....that's the same reason he's acting the way he is now.

Do you think you're going to feel better if he tells you why he never cared for you the way you should have? Or will his answer/reaction cause you more pain? If you confront him and it turns nasty....how will it effect you relationship with your stepmother?

I think before you actually confront him, you really think to think long and hard about what your expectations are. But always keep in mind, you words will not change who he is as a person.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

Oh please people, what is this with dissing her father based on her perspective only. She mentioned that he does not earn good money, plus he is probably the only bread winner of his current family as at least his wife (OP's step mom) does not work.

But not only that he is there for all her occasions, and visits her often, but maintains such a good relationship that his daughter from his first wife is so close with his current wife. Give the man a little credit please.

and look at these please

My step mother told me how he is super excited about the pending arrival of my baby inshallah.

That does not sound like a selfish father to me.

Be grateful to your parents people, be grateful.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

^ This person often says wise things.

Agree with Huma too :k:

(btw, I doint like these trends such as babyshowers, graduationshowers, bridal showers)

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

TLK I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression of my relationship with my father and step-mother. I never said I was close to either of them. In fact I only see them maybe 2-3 times a year total. I do like my step-mother yes because she is a very good person but I do maintain my distance from my father for obvious reasons.

I am not an ungrateful person. My father has actually never done much for me. I am very grateful for my mother who has done so much for me.

Again, I know he cares about me in his own way. He is not a total monster but really he has never been there for me the way a father should be.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

I think that you need to get to together with your father and have a good heart to heart conversation. Just the two you. This is not about the present...this is about wanting love from your father. I am sure that he loves you in his own way but some people are just not good at showing it.

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Re: Upset with my selfish stingy father - is this normal?

that "love u in ur own way" is an excuse ppl use in my opinion. actions speak louder than words. I don't think she's being ungrateful; op stated it's not about the money it's about the thought , he could have given her a Photo frame from the 1$ store and I'm sure it would have meant that he took the effort to show he ***cared in a way she needed.

My grandad gave my dad a card on father's day on behalf of my brother who was few months old. He wrote the card as if my brother would've written it.Such things are far more valuable then all the gifts in the world because emotions will always have precedence to thing,thats what makes them"valuable".
To this day my mum gets teary when seeing the card,it's about the thought and gesture.