updates !!!

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: updates !!!

@multinicked

for reference: http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/500672-typical-desi-problem-solutions.html

AoA All,

Back again with MORE problems

SO, I managed to convince mom to not to kick them out on the upper storey and try giving her time and space to sense that situation in HER susral is not even comparable to what her mom might have to face and she needs not to follow the formula she’s been fed. it’s been a month now and nothing has improved a bit. she is still disinterested in household or her husband (my brother) and just comes back from her housejob to sleep for 4 hours in afternoon and stick to tv with constant texting on mobile for the rest of the day. Even I have been there and witnessed that (for you who think I am building opinions whatever mom tells me since I live at my place). Now mom is really upset to see her son being depressed and quiet all the time. My brother even told mom he wants to go find peace and wants to visit dad ALONE for a month and that he wants to try applying for jobs abroad. Mom was happy and told that it might work for THEM staying away from her and our family,building relations with him and he said NO, I am planning to leave alone and she will stay here like most of the people do i.e. wives in pakistan and husbands working abroad,visiting once a year because he needs to escape from the entire scenario ! We are shocked to see that things have gone bad to THIS extent already? khair, we didnt say anything considering it a phase when he was trying to find a way out.

latest development: she is off to her place since few days now. My husband and bhabi’s dad work in the same unit at the hospital actually and her dad is really a sweet man (apparently) and HE had a talk with my husband that he’s upset because he can see that his daughter is not happy and settled despite 2 months of marriage and he cannot see them look like a merry,newly wed couple and asked hubby if he knows there are issues? my husband didnt know much (i didnt discuss it with him in detail obviously). We are REALLY upset at this now that things are moving in a bad direction. she has involved her parents without them knowing about her behaviour (they will obviously think she is innocent and uskay sath koi zyaadti ho rahi hai) and they involved my husband since he is the middle-man who knows both families and was involved in this rishta totally (which i hated because i knew this will bring him in awkward position if anything goes wrong) and i am SO disturbed because

step 1= arguments b/w the couple , which if fails and gets out of control, jumps to
step 2= involvement of either of parents, then
step 3= involvement of my hubby since both families know him
step 4= his dad talking to my brother if things dont settle after talking to my husband
step 5= confrontation of both the families face to face
step6= catastrophe because involvement of parents in such a situation when it is just preliminary state of marriage will be jumping on conclusions and decisions

maybe I am getting to pessimistic but I dont know !!

Now the dilemma:

I really want to talk to them before this heads on to any serious crisis but bhabi would possibly consider me from being a part of the ‘opposite’ group and that wont work at all.

Hubby wants to talk to her(she works in the same unit as her dad and my hubby) but he says he doent have any sort of direct dealing wih her and he is not in a position either.

So I talked to my brother this morning and got to know that there are more issues here I explained that HE should talk to her when she comes back today about it and he was almost teary saying that ‘I am totallt helpless because she lies to me about EVERYTHING. I have talked to her about how to resolve issues and go on with building a pleasent relationship earlier and she discusses things and makes me believe that she will be helping around at home, wont think of staying separately and the next day she is still the same. She texts EACH and EVERY thing that happens in our place like we had khala visiting, mom is not well, the servant is on leave,etc to her mom and her mom never gives her positive advice.’ I asked how do you know that and he said that her mom accidently send texts to him because his and bhabi’s name start with same alphabets and most of us have their names in the phonebook next to each other. last msg he got 5 days back was ’ tum dafa karo uss aurat ko, uskao aisay dramay bahut atay hain. tum araam se kamray may baitho.koi zaroorat nai kisi kay pass bahir janay ki’ it was about my mom being sick (she is on anti platelet medicine for minor stroke attacks and has bleeds/bruises all over the body under skin since last week as a side effect and has aches+itching all over) and bhabi’s mom sent this msg by mistake to my brother. He says has talked to her about it earlier too to not to transfer every tiny info to her mom since her mom never give her positive directions and he even told her earlier with proofs from his and her texts in mobile nd she has been promising 4 times at different occasions that she will not do that and it is still all there. he is frustrated that ’ uss jhooti larki se mai kya baat karoon? mujay uski kisi baat pe trust nai hai. mujay chup karwa deti hai reassure kar kay aur phir wohi harkatayn karti hai’

I am really upset now. Is there a way to handle this situation ? I thought that she was naive and needs time to settle but yahan aur hee kahani hai

Hello multinicked :

I can see that you are very understanding and I think you have the ability to fix the situaion. Sometimes we just need a right direction and we start things correctly. I will tell you a condensed version of the story. The purpose of the story is to give you some sort of direction as to how to approach the problem (and not how to solve the problem).

Characters of the story: Girl, girl’s brother, girl’s sister, girl’s father, girl’s mother, girl’s husband (also gir’s first cousin), girl’s father-inlaw (also girl’s uncle taya).
girl, brother, sister, father, mother, husband, father-inlaw (uncle).

So, the uncle being the elder of the extented family decided that his son (the husband) is old enough and should get married. he calls up his younger brother (father) and tell him i want these two to get married. the father was hesistant in the beginning since she was studying and the uncle told him to shutup and not to think too much. he obeys and their son and daughter got marriage (with rukhsati, since the girl was already studying). soon after the marriage the husband started ‘dictating’ to her wife, even though she was still living with her parents. he started putting restrictions and what not. obviously the girl got confused if this is the situation now what is gonna happen afterwards but she being an obedient daughter didnt say much. she didnt tell much about it to her parents much either. but afterwards the things got intense

the brother used to live abroad found out what was happening to her sister. he immediately pressured her to tell him every single detail. he realized the husband was a real nutjob so he got pissed off at his family for being blind and what not. so then he told his mother this is unacceptable and somehow convinced her. he also conviced his other sister. so the three of the family members (brother, sister, mother) stood up against their father and said we know that he (uncle) is your elder brother and you respect and obey him but this is our sister (girl) and we will not let this happen we will not ruin her life like this etc etc. the brother said to his father if you cannot tell your brother (uncle) we will do it. and they did. there was a HUGE fight. and in the end they got divorced.