I was previously married for two years. My ex-husband and I got divorced not too long ago - as in, January this year, days before our rukshati was supposed to happen in Pakistan. This took a really big toll on me. Despite not having rukshati or even living in the same country during our marriage. I still feel like I’ve failed somehow. People tell me that I’ve been through something huge and it’s normal to feel as terrible as I am now.
The reason for our divorce was that he was emotionally manipulative, and his family kept demanding money, using the excuse that they were ‘poor’ people and we lived in Australia. During the two years that we were married, I’d tell my parents about things he’d say to me, that would worry me. They’d be concerned but always reassured me by saying he was frustrated by his circumstances and wasn’t thinking right. After the divorce they realized their mistake and since then haven’t stopped to apologize.
That’s not exactly what’s bothering me though because my parents have found another rishta for me.
This guy has lived in Australia for two years and my parents thought it would be a good idea to meet with his parents while we were still in pakistan. I found no problem with that. But when we got back home, my parents met with the guy a couple of times and now have agreed to the rishta, not even four months after my divorce.
I have told my parents numerous times that I don’t want to get married. But they still persist, saying they’re just meeting with him and seeing what he’s like. What also concerns me is that he has grown up in Pakistan, whereas I grew up overseas in Australia. I’ve tried telling my mother about this and she told me that it didn’t matter. I’m not sure what to say anymore. I’ve tried to tell them to stop but they keep persisting that its easier just to stay silent.
I hope this made sense, and I hope that I’ve covered the main parts of it (lol)
I love my parents, but I hate what they’re putting me through and I honestly have no idea what to do. So if somebody could offer some advice that would be a really big help.
Filling out a bunch of papers and saying I do does not make you married so you really shouldn’t consider yourself married or divorced, you should not be pressured into marrying someone. It is wrong religiously, ethically, morally and legally.
I know parents really want their daughters to get married but I don’t know how to make them realize not force their children into it…sometimes out of this pressure children take wrong step or the parents may too… let them meet him and ask for some time…and plz dont take ur divorce as a failure I feel girls who take divorce are very strong as they take a step for themselves…
You don’t want to think about marriage right now so just put your foot down and let your parents know just that. This might sound rude but you could just walk out of the room or something next time they bring up the topic. Let them know you’ll come back and talk when they change the topic.
That said, if you can find it in yourself to meet the guy, just meet him. Let your parents know that this doesn’t mean anything. You’re not agreeing to a rishta. Don’t meet him at your house with your parents around, that has too formal a vibe. Meet him outside for coffee or something. Take mental notes as to what you like about him, what you don’t like about him and if you gotta say no, say no.
You’ll be okay inshaAllah! Just take your time, learn from the experience and work on healing yourself.
My friends older sister had her kitb Kitab (Arab version of nikkah) broken. And since they didn’t live together (like you) they considered it an engagement, and so should you! You’re exactly like any unmarried girl. My friend’s sister was eldest of 3 girls. Her parents were worried too. But she went on to do her masters, then ph.D and she got married to a great guy! In fact all their daughters got married to great guys, Alhamdulilah. Maybe your parents are worried of the stigma and would like to consider all potentials but they shouldn’t be. This happens a lot. It takes time finding the one. Know what you want from a future spouse, be willing to look past certain things but most importantly take your time. It’ll help clear your mind and give you space to learn to love and trust someone else. It’s only fair to your future spouse that you give him all of you. Be confident and let your parents know what you’re looking for. In life we get what we expect. Pray and be ready to receive the best!
4 months isn’t long enough after a divorce. You’re still emotionally coping with all that happened with the marriage and the subsequent divorce. I read that one of the biggest mistakes divorced people make is that they rush into another marriage right after the first one impulsively. I understand that your parents are thinking what is best for you and they want you to have a companion too when they are long gone. It’s just a desi parents thing.
Why are your parents so eager to get you remarried so quickly? Are people you know being jerks to you because you’re divorced? The divorcee stigma is alive and well even in the western countries.
If you are adamant about saying no to this and that you are not ready, then tell your parents that you want to try to be more self sufficient and work on self development. Maybe look to advance your career by taking courses so you can take care of them in their old age.
If marriage is right for you and it’s meant to be, then it’ll happen no matter what.
Could you possibly tell this to the rishta guy that your parents already accepted on your behalf? Maybe he’ll understand.
Hey Andy Pandy from a fellow Australian.
I am of Indian background, female and under some marriage pressure so I can sympathise. I was also introduced to a guy who grew up in India but I had grown up in Australia. Sometimes it doesn’t matter but sometimes after getting to know the guy you realise differences in mentality. My Pakistani Australian friend was looking for a rishta last yr and she told me at the outset the guy must have been living in Australia for a while. Let your parents and the guy know you need time before getting into marriage again. Its unreasonable for them to expect you to want to get married straight away. Only marry marry when u are ready and guy is worth it.
Just remember you live in Australia. No one can pressurise you to marry anyone against ur wishes. Parents will come around. Keep them distracted from the topic of marriage.
A divorce, following a brief marriage or long, is a divorce and I’m sorry you had to go through what you did but take it as a lesson(s) learnt and move on with your life. As women, it takes us a long time to trust a person and share our hopes and dreams with them and for that to break down is not just disappointing but incredibly hurtful. You’re probably feeling very vulnerable ATM and I don’t blame you. Having said that, your parents are probably looking out for you in the only way they know how to. Go out and meet people and give them a chance and if you click, great- find out more. If not, don’t be pressurised into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with. Desi parents don’t consider the emotional impact of anything- their first response to an unexpected/negative situation is to find a practical solution and it seems that’s what yours are doing. Be brave, tell them how you feel and take it from there.
I don’t know any. Not that that matters as I was referring to what you’d written in your post of the kitb kitaab being their nikkah. My point is that a nikkah, in the presence of a wali, followed by both sides signing the marriage contracts is a nikkah NOT an engagement and it shouldn’t be downplayed as such.
No one is down playing it and people know what it is and recognize the value. It’s a cultural thing. Perhaps you haven’t interacted with any thus don’t understand the concept.
Perhaps I should just grab the Arab people I know as acquaintances and grill them about their cultural practices… Yup, not happening.
OP: wish you the best with whatever you decide. Remember: as well meaning as everyone can be. YOU’LL be the one spending your life with them, not others. Be brave and adventurous and put some effort into finding what YOU want in a potential husband and don’t let anyone else decide for you.
You should not be getting married, dating, in the talks of marriage, looking, NOTHING right now.
This is the time to focus on you, getting through the emotional turmoil you’re facing and finding what you want out of life.
The only person who can stand up to them is you. It will not be easy and there is no formula anyone can give you to make them “get it”. You need to either fight, raise hell or have a straight up talk with them…whatever gets their attention.
What happens when people don’t take a chance to recuperate after traumas like divorce is…they walk into relationships that “seem” great at that time but are not what they want. Once you’ve gained some clarity, you’re in a brand new struggle and once again discontent with life. The rates of divorce for previously divorced people are even higher that never divorced.