so a lot of you know about my situation now… the current situation, me and my husband had fight over sumthing regarding my MIL, there were some underlying issues too between me and my husband, that resulted in the situation getting escalated… I got angry too, my husband verbally abused me and my family, I decided I had enough and I left him… I have decided to go for a separation… as usual he wants a reconciliation but I have decided its time to get off the roller coaster now… the only thing that is disturbing me and that kept me from leaving him earlier was my daughter’ welfare… she loves her father and cannot be without him… I grew up with a single mother and without any close male family members like mamu, uncles etc being around, wont go in the details but it was very hard… I don’t want my daughter to go through the same… I want her father to be around as she grows up… also I have observed 2 couples with broken marriages…in one case the wife was highly educated same from a upper social class the other was the opposite…and one got separated and the other divorced… both were parents to daughters… and both mothers decided to go back to the husbands when time came for their daughter’s rishtas/marriages… the one divorced , of course didn’t reconcile with her husband but she involved her whole in law family with the rishta process of the girl after being out of touch with them for years… I m at a loss here at what to do…on one hand their had been no episodes of abuse in the last 3 months save for the last one in which I got very angry too and that lead to verbal abuse…and over the years I have developed anger and resentment against him which leads me to think that I cannot /should not live together anymore with him …cause this might resurface physical abuse… on the other hand when I look at couples like the above who in the end did go back because of the daughter’ rishtas issues I feel that instead of giving my daughter the pain of broken family when I might be forced to reconcile in the end(10 yrs later) why not give it another shot now my family thinks its time to call quits and are pressurizing me to do so…the r telling me its time to move on he wont change… I don’t want to give up on my marriage even if there is teeny bit chance… I believe couples once they have children should stay married… I don’t know, I m going around in circles… everyone is pressurizing me to take a decision and stick to it…which I m unable to… please help me…
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
As much as I feel for you, I don't think its more advise you need sister. What you need is to do Isthikhara and pray to make your decision whatever you decide to do be made easier for you to carry out and stick to. No one on a website can best judge what action you should take. Only Allah in his infinite wisdom can do that and if you seek sincere guidance from him you will never go wrong. I pray things work out well for you.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
I've read ur last posts and I hav to say u r very brave to hav even gone back to him last time after he physically abused u! Ur a great mother thinking about her kids before herself but if u keep taking him back and den leaving him dats going to b worser for ur children! Dis has been goin on for too long, wot If he doesn't change? On the other hand If u feel u can live wid him and he's a different person den giv it a go! It's about ur gutt feeling! Dnt think about the children think about ur self! Good luck! But one advise if u decide to go dnt go straight away let him hav sum time to relise ur importance! Good luck x
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
Like someone above said, we can't really say what you should do in such a situation. But I will say this, please think about your daughter and her welfare. I'm not talking about when the time comes to get her married off, I am talking about her welfare in the long-run and the impact her fathers' behaviour may have on her.
May Allah make the decision easier for you, and give you strength to face any decision you make. Ameen.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
Touche.....have you ever met anyone who grew up in a household with an abusive father? Have you ever met anyone who grew up in a home where they saw their mother being verbally/emotionally/physically abused? I have and its not something I would recommend.
Its natural for you to worry about being able to marry off your daughter when she grows up. Not sure how old she is now but I imagine her wedding is 10+ years away. Your husband has physically beat you and has gone as far as threatening to kill you and your mother. As your daughter grows up, think about what effect it will have on her emotionally to see her mother being treated like crap. Do you want her thinking that this is how a wife should be treated? What advice would you give your own daughter if she came to you someday saying that her husband was hitting her?
BTW, if I remember right....your mother was a widow right? So you growing up with a single mother had to do with your father passing away....not as a result of divorce? Please correct me if I'm wrong. A marriage ending in divorce vs. death are totally different. Your husband is not dead. Plenty of separated/divorced couples share custody of children. If your husband chooses to be a good father.....he can still spend time with your daughter and be in her life. You don't need to continue living the same house with him and be a victim of physical/verbal/emotional abuse in order for your daughter to have a father in her life.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
Ask your daughter how the abuse affects her. You putting up with it is sending her a message that you have no choice in the matter and that you are weak. She will grow up hating her dad and having contempt for her father but this will be paired with a weak, low self-confident self-image that will be instilled by your complacency and her father's cowardice.
Teach her that it isn't never okay by taking a stand for yourself. Teach her to have the self-respect, self-confidence and give her the peace of mind so that when she grows up to be a strong lady, she will also make better choices for herself. Her marriage if you're so concerned about it right now - frankly you should know of all people that marriage doesn't necessarily equate or guarantee a good life. It means jack when you have a good-for-nothing husband.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
I am sorry for your dilemma...but making Allah your guide seeking his help..asking for Him to show u the way does help. Have faith in Allah and do istikhara . Only Allah can help u and me ..so turn to Him. May Allah help u ameen
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
Stay strong. Inshaallah Allah will guide you through this. Only HE can ease the pain for you. Do lots of dua and at the end of the day you have to do whats best for YOU.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
have you done an istakhara?
you cannot predict or compare your daughter's future seeing other's examples. My bff is from a broken family,her mother got separated when she was 3 months old due on her father being abusive. She raised her good mA and now my friend is married. she's mature,understanding and a brave girl and is all good with life.
Re: unsure.......please help me decide
so in the story that you give as an example....when the woman went back to her husband for the sake of her daughters' rishtas did she not consider that people could easily come to know that the couple had once been apart? would that not be significant enough for the world to judge?
I've seen more than a few women spend their lives in misery attached to a man that neither loves them nor values the contribution that they make to the family unit......all in the name of getting "good rishtay" for their children. I can understand being willing to sacrifice your own happiness for that of your child but at the end of the day is that rishta really any "good" if they would not have married your child had you been separated/divorced?