unbelievable or what?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

say your nearly 30 yr old girl unmarried, and have come to pak. you visit a relatives house, and the first thing they say to you is bacho ( aunty talking to her kids) go and show her around the house, show her all the rooms, this is literally within 10 seconds of entering their home for the first time, and the within the next 10 minustes the aunty also asks ok so your 30?, to which you reply, no il be 30 in few months aunt says oh same thing, so whats your date of birth?i mean wtf…

im astonished at this aunts questioning, possibly due to the fact that shes unmarried, and marriage is the be all and end all of our culture. wish i couldve kicked her in the teeth…

whats the issue with this kinda mentality and how do you deal with it.

theres 2 issues here, not just marriage one, but the fact that my aunts house is NOTHING, i mean she painted it nice, but hey its a normal 3 bed…we all have a 3bed terraced house…she was showing it off like it was buckingham palace…

2

Re: unbelievable or what?

lolzz...who was the victim?:@:

3

Re: unbelievable or what?

my cousin. aunt is also related to her.

4

Re: unbelievable or what?

BOTH of those issues are out of your control. It's not your aunt's fault that she owns a house that is considered "nothing" by you. I'm assuming that she doesn't work.....so maybe that's the kind of house her husband could afford....or perhaps that's how they prefer to live. As far as showing off is concerned.......perhaps she truly does believe that her house is wonderful.....or perhaps her praising it could be a cover up for her own insecurity. Who knows? Thing is........neither you nor your cousin can control this in your aunt.

As far as the "marriage" issue is concerned.........that'll happen when it's meant to be. Yes, it was crude of your aunt to ask only 10 seconds into your cousin entering her house. Perhaps your aunt is planning on finding a rishta for her and needed to know her age.........but that question COULD have waited. Again, you can't control your aunt. And your cousin, being in defensive position where she has to live with someone.....probably felt like she couldn't say anything back to her. Her age could also be found out from her parents. But maybe she thought "Hey I'm her aunt....no biggie if I ask her on my own."

^^^You could have "made Aunt feel silly" by jokingly saying to her "Aunti.....abhi to woh aayi hai....aik minute bhi nahin hua aap k ghar main."

Yes, we have a lot of "baytakalluf" behavior in our culture that comes across as very tactless (and often times it is). You do what you can in trying to better a situation.......to an extent. And if you can't even do that.....then you gotta realize that you can't raise your blood pressure over every little thing that you can't control.

5

Re: unbelievable or what?

1) Just because your aunt doesn't live in a mansion, that doesn't mean that she should not be proud of what she does have. The house may be "nothing" to you....but to your aunt, that's her "palace". Whether it's a 1-bed room tiny apartment or a 6000 sq. ft. house....I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman to show of her house proudly. I used to drive a Corolla and now I drive a much "nicer" car. I was no less proud of my Corolla compared to my current car b/c even though the Corolla wasn't as flashy, it was still mine and I worked very hard for it.

2) As for the mentality regarding marriage and age....that's a common "aunty" mentality. Personally, I always respectfully answer the questions...but it doesn't annoy or bother me. I'm confident in myself as a woman and at the decisions I've made as an adult. Whether or not an aunt or someone else approves of my decision doesn't bother me. Life is full of other "real" problems.....few comments from some aunt about my life is the last thing that would ruffle my feathers.

6

Re: unbelievable or what?

I doubt the people who make others feel bad about their age & rishta stuff are actually going to find one for them

7

Re: unbelievable or what?

Look, we weren't there when that question was asked. We can't say with 100% certainty that the aunt had the intention to make her feel bad. We didn't hear the tone of voice. And sometimes even when you do witness something.....you can't be sure of the intentions because you don't know what's in someone's heart. Sometimes a person's tone of voice naturally sounds rough.....sometimes their manner of speaking can sound less than gentle.

And I've seen Aunties that......even when they have good intentions or are trying to show concern and be nice........end up doing it in such a tactless way. For example, Aunti notices your hair is fine.....and gives you suggestions on things you should use......in front of other aunties....making you feel uncomfortable with the spotlight......but the intention could have been the right place.....but the method was really stupid. Or in examples where a backhanded compliment is given........maybe not intentionally....but the person was careless with the wording. So sometimes people might have the desire to help...but the method could be very tactless.

Whether one tactless aunti chooses to help find a rishta OR has no intention of helping and was only insulting..........the Aunti's behavior does not seal the cousin's fate. Nor is her future dependent upon this one aunti. She'll get married when it's meant to be....and will have a happy marriage, InshaAllah.

8

Re: unbelievable or what?

Yeah, maybe you're right. Aunties show concern in such a strange way, it sends out opposite meaning....

Well the only thing is not to take such behaviour to heart as these things are not in anyone's hands

9

Re: unbelievable or what?

Be nice to her and make her fool to your best. See what interests her, then play with her mind if you don't like her. Bed and breakfast, Prathay te anday! :)

10

Re: unbelievable or what?

That was kind of harsh. Its your aunt after all, I am assuming by blood, thus your kin. Even if she wasn't by blood you shouldn't feel like that.

You have to understand, its Pakistan, majority of people there can't afford houses like that.

If I were you, I would have acted super impressed and amazed. I would have said, "wow aunt, this is a beautiful house, even better than ours". Its sadaqa, you would have delighted her heart.

I was in Karachi this December, and my cousin was like "look at all these new roads and flyovers, you prob don't even have ones that nice in Houston" "I was like, yeah man these are even better".

Obviously anyone who has been to Houston knows it has massive freeways and roads, Karachi could never compare. But its about keeping peoples heart, their proud of what they have and you should make them feel good about it.

11

Re: unbelievable or what?

Finally a normal post Edal. :) btw, it is "they are" not "their"

12

Re: unbelievable or what?

Yeah, you're right. Unbelievable. Having the audacity to pride herself in her home...your aunt should know better.

13

:k:

14

Re: unbelievable or what?

I'm not looking for your feminist approval, or the approval of the other 5 or 6 messed up chicks who post here.

I post for the silent viewers of this forum.

15

Re: unbelievable or what?

LMAO :rolleyes:

The silent viewers…(just because they’re not responding in these threads) DOES NOT necessarily mean that they share or even support your views. For all you know…they just might even agree with the views of the “5 or 6 messed up feminists” who feel that there shouldn’t be any justification at all for double standards when it comes to premarital sex and that one loses the right to demand purity if they also lack it within themselves.

16

Re: unbelievable or what?

Lady you sound like a broken record, let it go, let it go. I demanded purity, got it, and so do lots of other men. Men enjoy taking a woman’s virginity, its great knowing you are going “where no man has been before” :stuck_out_tongue:

17

Re: unbelievable or what?

^Who said I'm trying to change society? I find the view and the demand hypocritical and it's not even supported by Islam. And using the "everybody else does or thinks that way" is not justification for a belief that is clearly wrong. And saying that some women are "messed up" because they acknowledge what is supported by Islam.............well....that's rather "messed up." But post away for the silent viewers. They may agree with you...they may not...but either way, I won't be surprised if they're highly entertained.

18

Re: unbelievable or what?

wow.

ok i know my aunt. she did not mean in any nice way. her and her husband have a tendancy to show off, and will alwyas talk about how much certain things cost-oh we bought a sofa for 2000, coffee table for 800, tv for this and that....like anyone cares...no one even asks.....thye start talking about it themsevles...and whats funny is that WE ALL have the same house, same furniture, same everything, however for some reason they believe they need to tell us the prices.......i know these people thats why im annoyed.

and the only reason my aunt asked her age,-cos shes unmarried, had she been married, my aunts question would then have been why havent u got kids...... the same aunt who asked me about kids a month into my arriage...

shes not as nice as RV thinks everyone is...

19

Re: unbelievable or what?

^Generalization on your part, Nadz. I dont think that “everyone” is nice. :rolleyes:

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable…for those that didn’t witness the situation…to also consider other possibilities in terms of intentions. And sometimes we might even misread people close to us…I’ve done that with members in my immediate family as well.

Okay…so let’s say that you’re aunt is indeed this mean. First of all, you can’t change her. I have relos like that and it took me a while to figure out that their need to show off and put others down stems from some real strong insecurity issues. That arrogance can be a cover up…underneath it the person could be real flimsy.

Also, you can complain all you want…and denounce her on this forum…but will it change her? It won’t. Your aunt’s words and snobbish behavior have no power over your cousin’s future. There are other ways of putting aunt in her place in a more civilized manner. When she asked about the age, you could “sweetly” say…“Aunti, the girl hasn’t been in your house for more than 30 seconds and you’re already interrogating her.” Make your aunt feel ridiculous for asking the question…but in a nice tone of voice. OR…try to comfort your cousin’s feelings by saying something like “And she looks so young, MashaAllah”…or say “She’s so young and so ambitious that she’s pursuing further education, MashaAllah”. It’s easier to complain or stay quiet when someone’s being a fool…but it requires more effort and thoughtfulness to intervene and try to cushion an awkward/embarrassing situation.

20

Re: unbelievable or what?

  • 1000