A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s bloody heavy.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, “Don’t you want to participate in our competition?” The guy asks “What’s it all about?”
The barman informs him, “All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.” The guy replies, “No, I don’t think so mate… the steaks are too high!”