I am back after a year in this section. But I am still not satisfied with my progress so far.
So dare comment on my effort. I would also like to hear the critique. I know critique is not a bad thing, it helps to improve.
Tum nay kaha
Keh maiN hooN ik tara gagun ka
Dilkash phool hooN chamman ka
Tum nay kaha…
Chah hooN sirf meiN hi tumhari
Roshni hooN me aankhooN ki tumhari
Lekin yeh tum nay keya kiya?
Yeh tum keya kiya?
ToRd dala gagun kay taray ko
Noch kar masl dala chamman kay dularay ko
Apni anaa ki khatir.
Taray ko zair karnay ki khatir
Na jana tumnay keh…
Gagun ka tara lagta hai haseeN bina tootay
Chamman ka phool mehkta hai bina tootay
Tara toot kar tu reza reza ho geya
Phool bikhar kar patti patti ho geya
Na tara baqi na phool baqi
Bas tum baqi tumhara mehl baqi.
M.K.
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
Beautiful poem Sister_J, itna kuch kis ney apko kaha:~)
Amal
8
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
It’s always good not to be satisfied with yourself. Khoob sey khoob-tar ki talaash hi aagey lejaaney ka bahaana banti hey. Keep it up Sister_J :k:
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
Thanks all. So, no critique?????
Yup Amal bhai, agar koi apni pehli hi takhleeq ko harf-e aakhir samajh lai tu taraqqi kay mawaaqay ruk jatay haiN.
AQ
11
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
It's nice and emotionally very deep..
However, I would like to see that how "Gagun kaa taara" was broken or how "chaman kaa phool" was separated from "chaman"... :)
Not looking for specific details or a detailed synopsis but a hint of the events :P
Krypton
12
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
wah bhejn g....kamal ker gayein
Re: Tum Nay Kaha
Hmmm, good idea. I would work on it. Thanks for the hint.:k:
Zinda Dargor, thanks.