Traditional Generation X

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Does anyone know other pakistanis/indians who are born and raised in the west, who follows the western culture, but then acts like a “traditional pakistani/indian” ONLY whenever it benefits him/her???

ISN"T THAT SO ANNOYING?

have a SIL-to-be who is only a FEW DAYS older than me and strongly believes she deserves better treatment as she is the “JETH.” But then you always see her acting contrary to traditional beliefs (clubbing, back-biting, etc).

Anyone else stuck in this sort of dilema? What do you do?

My remedy: be upfront and say you’re not one to think like that… especially since I am more educated and bare more responsibility in life than her (not that I mentioned the education and experience stuff to her.. just told her that i don’t believe in that sort of stuff)!

2

Re: Traditional Generation X

hmmmm, sounds like some cultural differences here. I'm a gori born and raised so things like dating and going out dancing were normal activities at the appropriate age (high school). Those days are long gone for me lol but I'm still very western because thats where and how I grew up and its what I know. Once I met my hubby and started to become familiar with desi and Islaamic culture, I adapted. I wear hijaab when I visit Pak, I wear shalwaar kameez when we visit relatives/friends of this background (or when they visit us). I do this - not because I'm trying to be something that I'm not - but rather to show respect to the culture and to them. So perhaps this is what you are seeing....it may not necessarily be that she thinks she is "better" than you...only that she's different and perhaps trying to fit in. This is something thats hard to read without actually meeting the two of you...but I can kinda relate to the SIL who tries to fit in to a new/different culture yeah?

3

hmmmm
show respect ?? wow

Well on the other hand: in desi culture, ppl come on GS post how paindo(villager/backward) you inLaws are.
And how much you hate them all. And how much up hill struggle is to stay married.
And hurdles in the way of staying married some time also include husband. lolzzzzzzz

4

Re: Traditional Generation X

My In-laws are the most beautiful people I've ever met. I mean, they produced this wonderful prince-of-a-man that I'm married to lol! so I am forever thankful to them for this! and for many other things....

I guess I found something that others have missed :)

5

You guys are not understanding.

let me put it in context.

imagine this. a girl who doesnt listen to her parents, who is a jungli and goes out. so imagine her getting engaged to an elder brother of a family. in comes bride number two - thats me.

because she's goign to be the wife of the oldest brother, she tells everyone that she deserves a bigger wedding.

im left in cognitive dissonance here because i would NEVER think like that if i was marrying an elder brother.

do you guys understand the situation now?

by the way, the SIL and FIL dont think like that... only SHE DOES! so weird?

and what do you guys think about this situation:

there are three brothers in a family. the oldest brother got engaged last year but has been with his fiance for 2 years before the engagement (total years together =3). the oldest brother is also still in school but will be gettin married next fall upon graduation. the fiance here is working part time, has not found her career yet.

the youngest brother now, has just got engaged this fall. he was with his fiance for 5 years prior to the engagement and never really brought up the issue of getting married until he was ready. the youngest brother is done school for two years, has work experience, is financially ready to begin a married life. the fiance here is doing her masters PT, is working FT. you can say that this couple is financially well MA is even able to pay for their own wedding. these two vowed to themselves that they wouldnt get engaged until they were ready to get married. they believe in minimal engagement period.

the issue begins where the younger brother wants to get married next spring. the jethani-to-be does not want this to happen because she believes she should get married first as she is marrying the older brother.

what do you think should happen?

some factors to consider:

-older bro and younger bro age difference..about 3 years
-jethani and "younger" bhabi age difference... twelve DAYS

what would you do if you were the younger brother? if the age difference is negligible, do you think that families should uphold this "younger/older" business? do you think that this sort of tradition will suffice here in the west?

6

Re: Traditional Generation X

Who said I want to understand? lolzzz
I am so bored.

7

hmmmm

I know once I liked this girl who was oriental. I mean She knew.
I mean she knew how to take care of some one and how to be part of some one's life in a beautiful way.

I think my pakistani sister are just different material. sigh

8

ur not only thinking but also discussing it on a forum. so...she is bad. ok..fine...ur even worse...that much i understand. can't say about others.

9

Re: Traditional Generation X

Even in traditional familes nowadays the older brother doesn't have to be married first. Even my husband got married before his older brother. Regarding who has the bigger wedding, all siblings have or should have equal weddings as per tradition if the paernts are paying for it. Different of course if the people getting married are paying for it themeslves but I am speaking in the most traditional sense here. So the jethani to be is wrong. I think she may be jealous of you and it is a common occurance in such relations.Just ignore these things and show her your upbringing, class and demeanour without allowing her to walk all over you.

BTW what about the third brother? You mentioned all about the other 2 in detail.

Phonology
10

Re: Traditional Generation X

Forget the jethani to be... how are your in laws (ie his parents and sister if any) handling it and how do they feel about it? exactly in what way is she insisting that she have the bigger/better wedding compared to yourz?

11

so tell me something, why are you thinking like it while marrying a younger brother?

I mean, issues only happen if both parties have a problem, she wants a bigger wedding because she is saying she is marrying the older brother. let her have a bigger wedding, is bigger better, how does her wedding have any impact on you?

and frankly why is it any of your business? why do you have an issue with it, you should go with what you want to do, and dont be bothered about whether her wedding is bigger or smaller.

Its no good to spend so muh energy on something that really is a non issue.

in such cases a sense of injustice is only felt if you have expectations based on comparison, be happy in your life, let her be happy in hers. It is only an issue when your rights are being violated, and that does not seem to be the case.

12

Re: Traditional Generation X

A wedding is usually done by the girl's side...so torontobride...your parents are the ones doing the wedding.

Who cares how much money she spends on her wedding? Do your wedding the way you want it and FORGET her. As ignore her...

13

X2, hmm... ur quite right!
well honestly, i dont care about relative sizes of wedding... honestly, im not that much of a "big wedding" type of gal.
but what really annoys me is that my fiance and I have to wait another whole year to get married just to please this jethani to be. well, it was our choice to please her in order to avoid any future clashings... but i guess its always going to be a vicious cycle of one losing or the other right? we just gotta suck it up and move on.

so, our right to get married whenever we wanted WAS infringed upon! but, I guess I have to move on!

by the way, my fiance's parents are extremely cool.. they were happy with us regardless whatever choice we made about our date! and no, they're not really into the "first is first" thing. they realize that its a fading tradition.

True or False
14

Re: Traditional Generation X

I think that might be the case, based on this:

In this situation, the younger brother and fiance are ready to make the commitment, financially and emotionally while the elder couple are not ready, at least financially.

The younger couple wants to get married but the elder fiance is preventing it from whatever ways she employs.

Preventing someone from getting married due to birth order is a silly tradition and is in fact trampling on their right to marry when they see fit.

BUT, since the in laws seem to be cool and sane, I doubt this jethani to be has any real power to do anything other than complain. This is different from a typical/traditional jethani who has been in the family for years and does, in fact, have more power, like a saas.

T-bride, it's really up to you. I mean if you want to get married now, then why not just go ahead wiht it, esp if both of you have both parents' support. What can she do?

15

if she is making you wait then that is wrong and that is something that is an issue, if she or her future hubby aint ready and u and you guys are there is no logical reason for you guys to stop.

heh u can actually do nilah beforehand and do ruqsatti after her wedding.

okay now I am being evil

16

i think that its a fragile situation for us. we really value familial relationships and don't like any awkwardness. i guess this stems from what we've seen with our parents and their relationship dynamics with their own in-laws. its like you don't want to hurt them, but you feel like crap inside for giving in. i guess this is a learning experience and need to leave the ego at the door.
I just know that God is looking over us and all that we do is being accounted for. I find that its just better to avoid these types of situations.. it hurts at first but ... like.. there's not much you can do. short term pain for long term gain?
but hey, at least the parents really understand and appreciate our stance... parents' blessings are the reward i guess from doing good.

17

Re: Traditional Generation X

On the other hand, this might just be the beginning of her monster tendencies, i mean you really want to give in to that? I understand what you’re saying but at the same time, wanting to avoid someone’s stupid tantrums is a silly reason to avoid starting your life together.
But it looks like you’ve made a decison so you just want to vent more than look for a solution to the problem…which is fine, if that’s your intent, of course. But X2 had a good idea as wlel, do the nikkah first and rukhsati later, if that’s a viable option.

And hey look on the bright side, this’ll give you a chance to out-do her as much as possible at your own wedding. :cheegum:

18

Re: Traditional Generation X

How about this. How about you stop being typical Pakistani and worry about your own life and not hers? She goes clubbing so what? Does that change your life or how you do things? Does it have a material impact on your life? If no then shut the **** up.

Same applies to backbiting and other such stuff. The only reason you are posting this is because you want people to agree with what you said and do a bit of back bitting of your own. Stop being typically desi and do yourself a favour and stop worrying about what other people do and be happy in your life.