Torn between the bhabis..

[Peony]

Re: Torn between the bhabis..

@safinaz

My husband is the second of four brothers. The older one got married around the same time we did and I get along fairly well with the jethani. Now the third brother has gotten engaged and his fiance (devrani) seems a bit weird around both my jethani and I. More than the awkwardness between me and her, it’s more between her and the Jethani. Now she seems to be a sweet girl. She spends alot of time talking to my husband’s cousins and all but as far as me and the jethani are concerned, we feel ignored. For example, if we post 10 pictures on facebook, she won’t like even one. But as soon as husband’s cousin or another relative has posted anything, within seconds you will see a like from her. But that’s the least of the problems right now. I feel like my jethani is starting to feel more insecure and sad as the day passes. My mil’s treatment towards them both is very different. My jethani is Indian and gujurati while my inlaws are all Pakistani punjabi. The mil has expressed her dislike in regards to that quite from the beginning. So as it is, my jethani has always felt neglected and treated different for being from a different ‘caste’ society or whatever you want to call it. To make matters worse, the mil blatantly favors the devrani (the way she speaks to her, showers her with presents and all that) and alot may have to do with the fact that her family knows my inlaws family very well since they are neighbors. It upsets me but I am quite indifferent to such things.. however.. I do feel very bad for my jethani who I know feels depressed and ignored when she sees all this. To make matters worse, the devrani is really weird with her as well. Like I said earlier, if the two of them were sitting at a table together, the devrani wont even really talk to her. My opinion is that she may be a bit jealous because my jethani is really pretty and my husband’s extended family loves her very much too so she is quite popular. I felt a bit intimidated by her too in the beginning but because she has always been so sweet to me, I saw no reason to despise her in any way. I know she has made a few efforts to try and get to know the devrani but has been turned away quite rudely.
She is a sweetheart and has always respected my inlaws, treated them very well and despite of all this, continues to do so. It just saddens me that she doesn’t have the respect in the family that she deserves. I figure if I or her husband or anyone says anything to the mil, there will be a huge drama and the jethani may just get labeled as someone insecure and jealous for times to come. So two questions.. one, how to normal things with the devrani or should she not care? And two, how to ignore whatever the mil does that makes her feel like a stranger in her own inlaws. Thank you.

The situation you describe kinda sounds like my life. People here are saying that as long as things are fine between husband and wife, nothing else matters. Not true. His family can ruin things between the two of you.

If your MIL is like my MIL and it sure sounds like that, there is nothing you can do to help change her behavior. My MIL is a complete B*, she goes to Pakistan on my dime, yes, mine, not my husbands as I make more than twice as my husband and she will spend $10K and bring me nothing back but closets full of clothes for the other 2 DILs, who don’t give a dime to her. Last year, she chewed me out upon her return saying “you should buy your own clothes!” when I didn’t even ask her about clothes.

And I’m married to the eldest son. The one married to the middle one was kinda like you, tried to be a buffer for me in the beginning and tried to get the MIL to just accept me and let us get married. My youngest devar found a girl, got to know, introduced her to family, and married her wihout any hiccups because all of the MILs hate was directed at me. And the youngest DIL is rude to me just like your Devarani-to-be. And now, these awful human beings have rubbed off on the nicer devran and she is mean to me now as well. Writing crap about me on facebook.

Personally, I think that the MIL praising the youngest DIL and giving her gifts and all that other jazz while ignoring or being mean or ignoring the eldest DIL is being mean.

What can you do? Don’t let other people’s hatred blacken your heart or think negatively of others because you’re surrounded by negativity. You can continue to be nice to her and it will help you in the long run as well. These relationships are for life and it is good to always be on good terms with Jethanis & Devranis. In our culture, these women play a bigger role in our lives than bhabis although they are all sisters-in-law. Always be inclusive of her. If you’re with hubby’s immediate family and Jethani is being excluded, bring her into conversation. Her heart will thank you and those duas will play a special role in your life.