One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
i bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
“I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won’t drink from my glass!"
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
