Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
Us anjani si chahat mai,
Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.
Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon…
khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!
-Monasha '04
WOW…Dil sey nikli hui awaaz seedhi alfaaz mein :k:
Re: ~*~
Monasha: it is very well depicted but kaheeN kuch kami hai… may be u need to write more, kaheeN kuch tishnagi see hai… it looks like incomplete…
Can you try to write more on it..? ofcourse only if you think I am feeling it right…
very nice:flower1:
Re: ~*~
Good effort. The missing thing as Anwaar has pointed out is that you have used so many metaphors and jumped up the conclusion. Poetic justice demands that your conclusion is spread over in length atleast half of the metaphors. It surely is a well attempted work of art. The flow keeps coming when you keep on writing. 
niceeeee:flower1:
:k:
nice1:k:
Capri & anwaar bhai: yes it does sound incomplete coz basically this was my very first attempt at Urdu poetry.
I'll definately hav a go at it again..why dont u guys help me out a bit here :)
Thanx everyone
humm
hmm 
Sudhar jao Mian. Yeh Poultry…aww Poetry forum hai yahan sone ke naheen ho rahee 
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by monasha: *
Capri & anwaar bhai: yes it does sound incomplete coz basically this was my very first attempt at Urdu poetry.
I'll definately hav a go at it again..why dont u guys help me out a bit here :)
Thanx everyone
[/QUOTE]
No one can guide you to be a Poetess. Its you alone who can help out yourself. Is qaafiye radeef ke chakkar mein na parna....bas likhtee jaein jo dil kahe :-)
nice....:)
wah jii:k: loagoan mey thora thora sa chuppa huwa sa…aik khubsooraat sa talent ubher raha hey 
monaaaaaa:eek: oyey yeh tum ho?
zabardast yar!
Re: ~*~
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by monasha: *
Bolti Tasweeroun mai,
Adhoori tehreeroun mai,
Khoyi khoyi muskurahat mai,
Us anjani si chahat mai,
Bhegi bheegi ankhoun mai,
Namm palkoun mai, saansoun mai.
Khizaan ke dehekte rangoun mai,
Hijr ke soonay lamhoun mai,
Wafa ki ghayal rahoun mai,
mehfiloun mai, veeranoun mai,
Guzarte hue toofaanoun mai,
Har cheez mai tera aqs dekhoon...
khoyi rahoon tumharey khayaloun mai!
-Monasha '04
[/QUOTE]
First you made so romantic envirnment, sketching all scenery, and mentioning ...
beautiful sketch Moon :)
Thanx Ata bhai :)
Rabika: hehe: kuch tou talent hai, nahi tou koi umeed hi nahi thi ;)
Swera: thanx :)
Re: ~*~
As capri n Anwaar suggested you can try to write more on same lines.
btw its a really nice effort. :k: keep it up.
^^ WOW!
Thats a gr8 addition
Thank u so much :)
wowwww…
moni aaaapiiii thats soooooo goood…:k:
waqaee bohat khoobsurati se likha haii…
keep it up na 
beautiful……
keep writing…!