This is certainly hilarious.
Don’t try these at home. They don’t work (trust me).
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Guantanamo detainee seeks like minded terror suspect for companionship and moral support. Ability to deal with mild torture, sleep deprivation and public humiliation. Must enjoy traveling (one way) for long vacations (20 years+) and meeting new people (US Army interrogators). Does this orange jumpsuit make my beard look big?
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Well rounded luddo seeks petite Raasmalai for life-long making of chotti mitai. Me: very sweet, a little fatty but altogether irresistible. You: tasty, well presented and only 125 calories per-serving. Together we’ll make the world go round (as well as each other). Low fat alternatives need not apply. Serious replies only!
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Young desi munda with pot-belly and some hair seeks obedient light skinned desi girl with extremely good looks and culinary expertise, from a very rich family.
I am financially stable, I have my own 84 Toyota Camry and hope to trade in for a 92 Nissan Minivan soon, to fit all of our 8 children.
Must have no brothers, sisters or family relatives within two thousand miles of our love nest. Willingness to make babies, cook, clean and do what ever my mother says, a must. I would prefer 8 children (all boys), with no interruption to your normal wifely duties (cooking, cleaning etc.)
Must cook all my favorite curries when ever I want, how ever I want them. Must not complain when my family comes to visit for two months. I believe children should be seen and not heard, same applies for bhudi too.
For my part, I am a young (42), single (just one wife in Karachi), attractive (only 8 missing teeth) and in perfect shape (I have not seen my feet since the I came to this country). I have a good job (sitting on the couch collecting welfare) and I am very religious (especially when the brakes fail on my car). I have a good sense of humor (I will tease you all day) and I am very caring (about whether dinner is on the table in time).
Serious replies only please!
- Me - Trying to sleep on a bench at Karachi’s Cantonment train station, before the smell of your perfume captured my senses. Was it Salun No. 5, by Chanel? I pleaded with you to give me a cigarette, but you kicked me between the eyes.
You - Gagging at the whiff of my stench, tripping over your sari trying to get away. You dropped a bangle, I keep it next to my heart. At the last moment, our eyes met. Yours were brown.
Can I have a rupee?
- Incredibly large munda with true love for mitae seeks understanding girl to hold his hand, while watching him eat. Must be good cook - 4 stars preferred. Please send picture of gulab jaman.
Serious replies only!
- We met briefly on 29 November, 1:45 am in a barren metallic room on an alien spaceship.
Me: Surprised looking desi guy on your right, strapped down to operating table after having been abducted from my bedroom by small green aliens.
You: Cute looking desi girl on table to my left. We briefly discussed if we were dreaming before the laser-beams/surgery started.
Let’s meet to discuss UFO sightings and probes in strange places.
- I enjoy marmite and burfi sandwiches, Open University re-runs and peeing on birds in the park. You come from a long line of pig farmers, sweat profusely and would one day like pebble-dash your house with 15-years worth of toe-nail clippings.
Send photo of someone else.
- Me: A rapidly ageing yet still single munda in dead-end job seeks superficial desi girl with hair-spray dependency issues, for mutual psychological torment, occasional painfully brief attempts at reproduction and minimal amounts of tepid affection. I enjoy drinking, eating, smoking and holier-than-though arrogance. I hate movies, can’t stand eating out and don’t even like the last CD I bought for myself. I have mediocre intelligence and waning wit which I try to hide (albeit not successfully) by faking a worldly air, memorizing useless facts and loudly giggling at my own cheap shot jokes.
You: A whiney, bitter, hard-done-by daddy’s girl with a misplaced sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and a child-like emotional dependency on your parents. In time you’ll become coolly hostile with a finely honed sense of passive aggression in return for my failing to fulfill many of your emotional and physical needs. My perfect night out would involve taking you to a classy sitar recital only to have you hit on seedy crusty old maulvis, followed by a mildly embarrassing Punjabi screaming match ending only when I accompany you to the car, albeit by dragging you by your henna dyed mousy hair. In time, I will succumb to a totally forgettable fling with the desi lady from the local cornershop-cum-halal butchers-cum-liquor store that leaves me with mixed feelings of regret, dread and self-disgust which in turn would (ideally) lead me into a long-term soul crushing descent into alcohol, pills and home made paan.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 25 and rehash mother-son issues with women over 30.
Serious replies only, please.
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Pakistani upwardly mobile desi with own gas station seeks larki with attention to detail to cover 10PM-8AM shift. Should be able to make change from $50 without my having to invest in one of those fancy electronic cash registers. Will be responsible for fending off all armed robbers, chasing down customers who make off without paying, tampering with pumps to boost my margins and producing a generation of petrol-pump attendants who won’t insist on this minimum wage bakwaas. When I arrive to start the morning shift, please have my breakfast ready.
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ABCD whiter-than-though frat boy seeks gori to complete my assimilation into the Caucasian race. I like Guns-n-Roses, pick up trucks, tight jeans, drinking Bud Light and attending local Klan meetings. I don’t like foreign food, people, music or clothes. My mother disowned me (which is great because I was having trouble explaining her to my white friends anyway). Must have no brown people in your family tree. I detest brown people. When someone threw a brick through my window with a note saying, ‘Send dirty foreigners back home’, I shouted back, ‘I agree!’.
Footnote: No desis were harmed in the writing of this article. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Objects in mirror may appear close than they seem. Contents may settle during shipment.