to work or not to work

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
1

how many of you parents- mums and dads- decided to give up your careers after having a baby?

i’m struggling with my decision to go back to work. i’ve been back for a month; kid’s been in daycare for 5 weeks (1 week was transition period). he’s been doing great mA- learning new things and good habits like eating on his own, his routine is set, and of course, he enjoys circle time, playing with the other kids, etc. he’s also eating proper solids now whereas initially he would gag at the texture. this is probably because he sees the other kiddos eating their food and joins in.

the downside is that he’s been constantly sick for the past 5 weeks - i’ve been told this is from daycare attendance too. it is exhausting. he wakes up anywhere from 2 to 5 times a night because he’s unwell and both hubby and i are zombies come morning. he was up at 5:40 this morning coughing. he’s taking medication but its honestly been one thing after another with him and he was never really sick before.

the other thing is that i’m entirely unfulfilled at work. i stay for the paycheck and i stay because i’ve been there a long time and there is a certain amount of flexibility in my work hours so if i have to go in half an hour later or leave early, i can. its also scary as hell, to be honest, to consider moving to a new job entirely. mentally, also, i have no desire to be at work. i don’t know if its this work, or if its just work in general. i guess i wouldn’t know that until i started somewhere new.

i could be at home and we’d manage financially but its frightening to think of not having that crutch and that second paycheck even though daycare being what it is ($1800 a month!), we’re not left with a lot of cash at the end of that plus my share of the household expenses. finding a cheaper daycare is not an option for us- there are no home daycares in our area, and other daycares in the area are comparably priced.

if i stick it out, when he turns 18 months iA, he’ll be in the toddler program which is $1500, so that will free up some money and probably make it a little bit more worthwhile for me to stay financially.

but i just don’t know if i can do it. i’m tired, i’m cranky, i walk into work and think, what am i even doing here? i don’t care about the work. i’d rather be with him, but is it fair to deprive him of the daycare experience just because i feel so apathetic about where i work?

i don’t know- i guess i’m just really confused. i’ve spoken to friends and those who have returned to work really enjoy being back at work.

do i stick it out and wait till the toddler program to see if i want to continue working or not?
do i quit immediately and Allah kheyr karey? everyone is telling me jobs are hard to come by in this economy.
do i quit entirely and make a go of it somehow? i was hoping we could start trying for baby #2 in january next year iA but i don’t know if we’ll be able to afford it if i’m a SAHM…

sigh.

thoughts and advice from working, and stay at home parents, would be much appreciated!

2

Re: to work or not to work

I hear ya..I was very afraid to leave my child at the day care but then again he was only 8 weeks when I went back to work. I don't have the choice to stay at him so we had to make it work..this is what we did...husband and I switched hours..I work day, he works evening n weekends..we would hardly ever see each other unless one of us called in sick but our baby had one parent with him at all times...do you think something like that can work out for you n lil one won't have to go to day care?

I won suggest leaving your job for once n all but see if you can go part time?
Check with the mosque in your community to see if someone can come to your house n watch him during the day?

I personally will like cuppycake to go to da care at 18 months..i am hot sure if I can pull it off for another 10 months but who knows!!! I don't know how long can we manage but so far it has worked for us!

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Re: to work or not to work

^ the issues isn't us feeling bad about leaving him though. i mean, we did initially, but he's getting so much good out of it and likes it so much, its not really something we regret. if only he'd stop getting sick! kids! little germ incubators, all of them! apparently, this will help build immunity, or so i've been told.

as far someone watching him, i actually prefer the daycare over a home situation. the daycare has a webcam i check periodically to see what he's up to and i'm more comfortable having him in a group setting than at home. plus, he's only 10 minutes from me at work and 5 minutes from hubby so the location is fantastic.

working part-time is also not an option at this job. unless i went full time freelance i don't think part-time would be an option in my field- most jobs are full time, at the office types.

i guess i'm just wondering if other parents had these same sort of blah feelings about going back to work, and how they overcame them if they had to be back at work? and if not, how did it feel being a stay at home parent and how are you managing? is it bad for us to take him out of daycare- will he suffer for not being in that social environment with other children?

4

Re: to work or not to work

I understand.. I am one of those parents who had to go back to work n knowing I didn't have a choice, it was easy for me. If you even have a mere thought that you can stay at home, it wont get easy for you. They are eigh about building immunity so i giess its up to you how long are you willing to take that?

If you can stay at home, go for it And send him to the day care for 2-3 hours instead of all day long so he will have the opportunity to learn n grow while you will be able to run errands, stay fresh n still be able to see him in couple of hours!

5

Re: to work or not to work

I think to certain extent your financial circumstances dictate whether you need to work or not, but it also depends on the mother's mindset in general. Some cope very well with going back to their careers and actually enjoy the financial benefits and the ' me time' it provides. There are no right or wrong choices in this, I suppose. For me, the job that I really enjoyed before the baby, seemed like torture after my maternity leave. I thought I had to go back to work because my husband was a junior doctor in a different city at the time and we were trying to save money for a house. I used to leave my son with my mum, but at work I just could not concentrate and my mind would always be preoccupied with my son. Because of work, night time feeding and the hectic routine that comes with a baby, I found after work in the evenings I felt too tired and exhausted to spend quality time with my son. This went on for about 6 months before I actually decided I couldn't go on like that and decided to stop working.

It was the right decision for me at the time because looking back I cherish all those times I got to spend with my son. Ok so we had less income, but you know the financial set backs are all relative. If you are happier as a person then you can adjust well with little less money. This may sound bohemian but it is true! :)

I would say just sit down and write down the money that you bring in minus the child care costs and your travelling expenses and then see how worse off you would be if you gave up work. Even if this means you have to adjust your lifestyle a little by spending less, it is worth it. Ask any other parent and they will tell you the same, time flies when it comes to seeing your child grow up. You blink, and before you know it they will be five and in school for most of the day and then you miss having them around. :(

Sorry for the long novel, but my sons have gone camping and I have too much time on my hand....See what I mean...;)

6

Sgc,
Back home I went back to work coz I needed to. I used to leave Jr. With my ammi and I only worked a couple of hours a week. It was a contractual kind of job.
I enjoyed the little time away coz it kept me sane with Jr. My hubby works long ling hours 8 months of the year which means I get no breaks and work gave me those breaks.

Right now I would love to have that kind of work but because we don't have family around I will not be working. I just can't make myself leave our kids to a stranger. Extra money would be good but not worth it for us in the long run. Plus if I were to work we would be paying most of my paycheck to daycare, and what is leftover would be used for things like a work wardrobe and personal maintenance and eating out coz work. Plus kids is gonna be a lot. Not to mention I would still have to do the stuff I do now like cooking, cleaning.

What we do right now is that we manage our finances to make sure we are saving. The savings arent all that great but I'm told that in N. America you really can't save much on a single income and we are totally ok.with that. A single income means I can't buy a bag on a whim but I get to grin ear to ear when Jr. Hides his hand in his sleeve and makes it appear magically.

For interaction purposes I take Jr. To different kids programs either in the library or the Y. While the kids are not in school I have decided I am gonna pursue my certifications and might do freelance work just to meet other adults.

Like everyone has said it is a tough decision either way. Just follow your gut.

7

Re: to work or not to work

SGC, my kids are 7 & 9, I work at their school and I still struggle with it!! In fact, I still have not signed my contract for the next school year, because I'm not sure if I want to go back or not. I think it really becomes a struggle, when you like said, there is not fulfillment at work. I don't like my job. I'm seriously considering going back to real estate full time, and patiently waiting for the market to pick back up. I also struggle with losing the safety net of a guaranteed monthly paycheck, and the security the second income provides, but it's not like we'd be out on the street if I quit working now. I also come home exhausted and cranky with work drama weighing me down. I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.

8

Re: to work or not to work

aww girls.. Am I the only one who actually loves working? yeah I miss my bean but I feel so productive and then as soon as I get home, I am energized! I make the best out of 4-5 hours that I spend with him in the evening! but then yes my house is not very clean and we dont cook everyday... I have no issues with it!!!

I feel like i give him more time and attention after coming back from work than if I am with him all day long.. but I have to say my work place is awesome.. I rejected another offer of higher salary just because I love the flexibility and cooperation that I receive at my current job.. cuppycake spends sometime at my work and everyone loves it.. if I have to leave early, no one has issues with it.. but then remember I sometimes work evenings and weekends too so it all works out!! I may not have been able to work, if I was somewhere else that didnt offer so much help to me!

9

Re: to work or not to work

i guess the main difference is that you love your job. i haven't loved mine for a long time and the fear of losing the security/seniority i've built up at this job is what is keeping me in it primarily. i just don't know how to get past that. applying for another job is an option but then i think, what if they wont be as flexible as this place is? and what if i need time off? or worse, what if i start working there and realise i just don't like that either.

10

Re: to work or not to work

^ am similarly going through the same dilemma as yours SGC. But since i am a doctor, my not working at the moment isn't taken nicely by anyone. The issue here is that my husband is a full time doctor too with very odd work hours and night calls as well.

Also the good nurseries here in the UK are very expensive. And for me to get myself recruited into the international foundation programme means investing a whole lot of money to pass at least 2 more exams before I might get a job here. And eventually with very tough duty hours and no family support, the only amount I would be earning is would be going out for his monthly nursery expenditure. Plus leaving a kid from 9-6 doesn't sound such a right option to me :(

It's so so hard. Am struggling with this big decision to work myself!

11

Re: to work or not to work

I gave up my full-time professional job for the reason that I'd be giving half my paycheck to daycare and dealing with time off issues, etc. If you have someone to take care of your child, a less expensive option, then I'd say continue working, like a smaller group, home-based daycare facility with lesser kids.

Having said that, if you have the option to work from home, nothing like it, at least for the first couple years. However, whenever you send your child to pre-school, he will go through a few weeks of being ill, be at the age your kido is at, or at 3/4 years of age. Eventually, they grow out of it as their immunity gets stronger. Finally after both my kids are in full-time school have I been able to get back to my career although I've made a switch from a corporate career with having to work for someone else to now being able to run my own school. I am loving what I'm doing now and feel extremely productive without having to sacrifice the needs of my children. I wish I had done this earlier though.

My sincere advice to you is don't completely give up on your career because if you're like me, soon you'll start feeling like you need to do more than just taking care of your child[ren]. Yes, you CAN spend great quality time with kids and have a fulfilling career together!

12

Re: to work or not to work

As other posters have mentioned, there are no right and wrong answers. I myself don't work anymore and even though I did not like my job, I do miss the financial independence and self worth. But there are trade offs in life. I have cut back (cutting back on grocery expenses via buying things on sale and coupons are a surprising way to save). Ideally I would like to start something at home and make a little more for the reasons mentioned above. Whatever decision you make, be ready that there will be regrets either way. Be sure to look at the bigger picture.

13

Re: to work or not to work

I put everything on hold for her and I haven't regretted it. I've done various part time projects that don't force me to put her in daycare. I'll have a little more flexibility once she starts preschool in the fall, but I think until she's in school full time I need to maintain this. And even rthen, my schedule needs to adapt to hers.

14

Re: to work or not to work

Every time my daughter got sick, I wanted to yank her out of day care. Why would I give half my paycheck for her being sick. But after age 2 she needed that socialization. It was important for her to get out and embrace the world.

If you are not happy where you work - don't work there. Life is too short to have regrets.

But like niksik said don't give up on your career. You can take some time off and spend it with you baby but don't lose touch with what's going on in your career field. You can study on a mean time. Do a certification. Do smaller projects. Do research. Volunteer and when you are good and ready you can easily get back to work. I think it's a myth that you can't get a bigger better job after some break. (I did).

I took 9 months off after my 2nd daughter was born and I always though oh I'll start from rock bottom. I didn't. Infact I got hired at a better company with a higher starting salary.

As for the crunch with the finances. People manage. Try to see where you can cut some corners. Whether it be car payment or cable or a phone plan. IMO $300 per month is not a significant amount of money that you want to wait for that to happen to make a decision.