To all Employees:
Effective 1st June 2007
Dress Code
**1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. **
**If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you **are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
**2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so ****that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not **need a pay raise.
**3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and **therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work
Holiday
**Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called **Saturday & Sunday
Compassionate Leave
**This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead ****friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have **non-employees attend to the arrangements
**In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should ****be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work **through your lunch break and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
**1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a **strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
**2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll ****will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will **be taken.
**3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company **notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
**4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the **company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
**1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that **they can look healthy.
**2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to **maintain their average figure.
**3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time **needed to drink a Slim-Fast
**Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of **choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
**Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,****irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,**contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Shouldn’t that be in the Jokes forum?