Happy married life, beautiful kids everything perfect till went to visit in laws in pakistan.
Now daily fights, infact nt talking with each other.i dont know what to do.
MIL wants us to either move back to pak or visit them twice a year.
We are not rich enough to afford 15000 to 20 000 on travel to Pakistan every year. Its not possible as we only have 4 weeks annual leave. Bt mil does not understand and or doesn’t want to know about it. Its our problem.
Its not possible for us to move back? . We have or will get 1 bedroom in thier house. With limited budget I feel like being unfair to my kids. We have huge house here. We both work and do provide decent life to our kids. In pakistan we will not be able to provide muxh to our kids. I will have to compromise on their health, education and general lifestyle.
I have asked mil to visit us and stay for few months especially in summer wheb r herea too much loading shedding in pak. I will pay for all expenses. She can come as there will be holiday s in pak and my sils all are uni going so can handle run house hold with the help of servents. Bt she is not willing to come as she doesnt like traveling and also can not leave her house.
Hubby think s than if not moving to pak we should fund all family members (6) to visit us. Its not possible?
I dont know what to do. We have huge mortgage and do t have spare 15000 or 20 000 for travel than to contribute to sil’s wedding that too more than 10000.
I dont want my kids to suffer or compromise on anything. To give them best I am working infavt started working 2 months after giving birth for 6 days a week that too long hours.
I dont know how should I get my hubby or mil to understand. Fil does understand and he doesn’t say anything.
I am a total looser in my family now.
My parents never stood for us still my bro and sis achieved alot on our own.
I dont want to be like my mom or dad. I want to do whats best for my kids. Moving to pak is not good decision for now at least.
I dont know what should I do to improve my relationship with my hubby. Please advise me. I have no one to talk to or discuss.
How often do you guys travel to Pakistan right now?
MIL wants us to either move back to pak or visit them twice a year.
I believe you have 2 kids (correct me if I'm wrong). Does your MIL except all 4 of you to travel to Pakistani 2x/year? Or can you all as a family go there 1x/year and your husband can go by himself to visit his mother 1x/year?
Hubby think s than if not moving to pak we should fund all family members (6) to visit us. Its not possible?
Who are these 6 family members? MIL/FIL....who else? And are they ALL adults? Is your husband suggesting that you guys pay for all 6 people to come to the U.S. 2x/year? If so, does your husband believe you two can afford this?
Before we used to visit after 2 year bt this time there was long gap due to some issues.
I asked them to visit us in this gap but they refused.
Hubby gets 4 weeks holidays only so be can only go once in a year. And we can only go once too.
I am not in USA bt in Australia. Cost of one ticket is between 1300 (off peak season) to 2200(peak season). We are not rich to afford this expense twice or even once a year is not easy
6 family members are fil, mil, 3sil and 1 bil. All sil are at uni now and bil at high school. Yes he expects to pay all expenses. He knows we can not afford bt still he wants to do it.
We build big house as than we expected them to visit us individually or together in future. I really want mil at least to come visit us and spend time with us.
Other thing is mil never thinks about financial aspect of any decision. She recently made few huge decisions that fil didn't know, involving several parties and later fil had to cancel them due to financial issues.
We also have to save for sils wedding as well. Bt ho
My suggestion: don't fight this. Agree to fund their traveling expenses.
Experience is the best teacher. Let your husband worry about these expenses as they are his family and his responsibility...kehne ko to sab kuch karsakte hein. Lekin jab jaib khali hogi tab dimagh thikanay ahi jayega.
Let him figure this out on his own...if you fight him...khud hi buri bano gi.
You should agree to ur husband n move back to australia. Once u r back, then u can debate wd ur husband. Its better to avoid couple issues in presences of in-laws.
We are back now. And this fighted started after we landed. In pak at their each request I just smiled and said yes.
Now we are not even talking. His bro and sis are in contact every second and they want to n know his plans.
If I agree to anything he would want that to be permanent decision.
Roshni: I think you should give up the fight. You already wrote that your MIL has refused to travel previously b/c she doesn't like to travel/leave her house. I imagine your SIL's in Uni/BIL in school also has their studies/their own social life. And if the 3 SILs are in UNI already, I imagine the search for rishtas has started already. Once those 3 are married, they won't be travelling with your in-laws to Australia every year.
Not only should you give up the fight....you should actually support your husband's decision to bring them to Australia to visit. Tell him how you have no problem with his family coming and will do everything in your power to make them feel at home once they're in your home. BUT......Let your husband worry about convincing his mother to travel. You stay out of trying to convince your MIL to travel or anything else. Let your husband worry about EVERYTHING about their trip....from money to ALL the arrangements. If your husband wants to use his credit card...let him. But you need to also leave it up to him to pay it off. Save your earnings for your kids since that's clearly not his top priority.
See where things are after their first or second trip. But for now, for the sake of your own mental peace, drop the fight.
Not only should you give up the fight....you should actually support your husband's decision to bring them to Australia to visit. Tell him how you have no problem with his family coming and will do everything in your power to make them feel at home once they're in your home. BUT......Let your husband worry about convincing his mother to travel. You stay out of trying to convince your MIL to travel or anything else. Let your husband worry about EVERYTHING about their trip....from money to ALL the arrangements. If your husband wants to use his credit card...let him. But you need to also leave it up to him to pay it off. Save your earnings for your kids since that's clearly not his top priority.
See where things are after their first or second trip. But for now, for the sake of your own mental peace, drop the fight.
This.
You need to let him handle every single thing but make one thing clear to him...you're not responsible financially for these or any future trips. He needs to finance everything on his own and pay it off.
I'd also make sure you have some money separately of your own.
Roshni: I think you should give up the fight. You already wrote that your MIL has refused to travel previously b/c she doesn't like to travel/leave her house. I imagine your SIL's in Uni/BIL in school also has their studies/their own social life. And if the 3 SILs are in UNI already, I imagine the search for rishtas has started already. Once those 3 are married, they won't be travelling with your in-laws to Australia every year.
Not only should you give up the fight....you should actually support your husband's decision to bring them to Australia to visit. Tell him how you have no problem with his family coming and will do everything in your power to make them feel at home once they're in your home. BUT......Let your husband worry about convincing his mother to travel. You stay out of trying to convince your MIL to travel or anything else. Let your husband worry about EVERYTHING about their trip....from money to ALL the arrangements. If your husband wants to use his credit card...let him. But you need to also leave it up to him to pay it off. Save your earnings for your kids since that's clearly not his top priority.
See where things are after their first or second trip. But for now, for the sake of your own mental peace, drop the fight.
Couldn't agree more! Clearly your husband priority are diff then yours.
Letting him make the choices he wants is not a clever decision, but time will teach him a good lesson about just spending the money you actually have and not putting yourself in a big debt just to sponsor others whims.
Talk to ur husband and let him know that moving back to pak is off the table and u have to solve this some other way. Ask him if he is willing to forgo a better future for his kids just because of visitation conflicts. And when ur mil doesn't want to leave her house, does that mean she doesnt want to leave her other kids back home or she doesn't want to actually leave her house, as in u know how ppl say in pak ghar akaila ho jayega, as in it will get robbed or I dunno that something will happen to it, it'll collapse on itself in a month without her (because I've heard ppl say things like that, not collapsing but that the house will somehow deteriorate).
If its about not leaving her other kids, I really don't know why some parents baby their kids so much, as in maids will handle housework and even cooking maybe, but somehow the issue is always something like khana kaun garam kar k daiga. I'm really going to try to teach my kids (especially the boys) to garam their own khana, it's not rocket science. I think 3 uni going girls and 1 highschool boy can manage a house for a month. My parents went for hajj when I was in the 9th grade and it was just me and my brother, I had relatives who cooked and dropped off food every couple of days but apart from that no maid or any other kind of help. We went to school did hw, occasionally ate out. It was fun actually, no one told us to turn off the tv or get off the phone :).
Anyway anything u come up with can only work if ur hubby is on board and then gets his parents to listen. Just tell him to be realistic about it and come up with a solution that is feasible. If u can't afford 6 tickets then u can't. Ask him calmly how u guys will do it. What do u currently contribute to the household expenses wise? Ask him how it will be after u add that expense. And also remember that when u get 6 ppl over its not just the tickets, they're visiting a new country they'll want the whole shabang. Especially if ur mil doesn't really understand finances or chooses to ignore them then she'll want a whole lot of "partying" and no canceling when she visits u guys. Ask ur husband that if u move back to pak (which ur not, since ur telling him it's off the table) how he expects to save $10,000 worth of rupees living in pak? And even if u don't, then when u spend 6 tickets plus entertaining living how will u then save for sil wedding. If u have dealt with credit card debt u know that there's no getting out of it, it's just a death trap. Btw who's debt was it before, and who paid it off.
If u will do any of the talking to mil, u can add words like Ji hum soch rahay Haen aapko Zada visit karnay ka laikin Phir wedding funds Mae masla ho jayega to Phir pata nahi kya karain. Sil k itnay armaan Haen fancy dandy wedding k bichari disheart ho jayegi, laikin humain pata hae aap bhi boht miss karti Haen bachon Ko, pata nahi dekhtay Haen Phir kya hota hae. Say what ur thinking but also talk about her side and then just leave it hanging in the air.
Are u austrailian citizens? If worse comes to worse then look for a job in the middle east. I bet ur mil will have no problem telling her friends she's flying to Dubai to visit her grandchildren. The flights are shorter/cheaper and u can always land great expat packages if u have good experience years plus citizenship of one of the gora countries. The lifestyle and standard of living is pretty good so it's a doable compromise. Better than trying to adjust back to load shedding zone.
Too cool off things I have told hubby I will agree with watever be decides. Nt ofcourse I dont and will talk to him once he starts about it.
With my mil she travel s through out pakistan for day s bt thinks her household can not be run without her. She pampers kids so much that even the eldest daughter who's in her last semester gets food served to her if nt by servents than her mother:).
Fil has nt asked for money for sils wedding but hes in financial crisis and I don't mind helping in wedding bt 20 000 is too much. Fil is not even aware of hubbys plan of 20 000.
Hubby keeps telling me that his sisters and mother have' haq' on him too. We send sister s eidi, gifts that they request including latest mobiles.
If I don't stop hubby he will make worst decision and he knows that too. Infact tells me to stop him from making such decision s. His credit card debit was outcome of such decision and we both paid off in 2 years. Every cent I had went towards credit card.
I looked as our debt nt his.
He know going to pak is not best decision and accepts everything relating to moving. He will have zero savings in pak.
his argument is that they are my family too. I need to spend time with them too and going once a year is not enough.
My pay goes towards mortgage and his is for everyday expenses. I only work full time for part of the year so my pay is limited. Bt im expecting payrise r and will save extra that I be gettinng. I have told him that already.
Tell him u understand that he is the leader of the house but if he makes silly decisions like putting exorbitant amounts on credit cards then he has to deal with the consequences and u will not help paying off the debt this time. You r however willing to save up as much cash as u can after needs for ur family r met. Since the 20k amount is his aim and not something that is required of him or promised by him, say u will try with him to save as much as u can but in no way are u committing to put that or any other household bills on ur credit card. The money required is not for a life saving surgery but to keep up with the jones' to have a lavish wedding and/or jahez. Tell him to be realistic and if worse comes to worse u can say u will move into a smaller house (since no one plans on visiting u). Give him the option of trying his luck applying in Pakistan (online and then in person during ur next vacation) getting a good job and see where that leads. If he thinks he can afford a comparable lifestyle and future for ur kids AND provide for his siblings then ull think about it. Ofcourse the money will be nothing compared to what he's making in dollars. That should put some sense into him. Tell him ull stay back and hold the fort while he deals with his trial and errors. (Ofcourse all this is just a lot of talk and nothing, I'm not saying u should actually move to pak)