Dear Employees
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to
provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff during
working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. In future,the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person’s voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under
stress/desperation.
-
The following rules shall also apply: On the first day of
every month, all staff will be issued with 22 toilet trip credits
which may be accumulated. -
Once the employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors
of the toilet will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the
first working day of the following month. -
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper
roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three
minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet
paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will
open automatically. -
If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken
by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. -
Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months’
toilet trip credits. -
Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will
undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist. -
Be advised that workmen’s compensation insurance does not
cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper
retracting
into the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.
We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that
if you have any problems with this policy, you should make more use
your own toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts
content.
SIGNED
MANAGEMENT
and 
