A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.”
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.”
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn.
“And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.
project manager replied.“I want them both back after lunch”
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”
Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.”
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled, obviously shaken and yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there, do you?”
The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”
He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”
She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”
He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”
The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my thing,” he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.”
The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it, the man replied.”
The doctor’s office erupted in laughter
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They Augustht us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.”
“That is great! And what was the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but could not remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that`s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”
The psychologist explains:
“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“I see,” says the health minister, “the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”
“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “a normal person would simply pull the plug.”
hehehe hahaah tha thaye