Thought is was all sorted

[Difficulty]

Assalaamu Alaykum,

I have already posted two separate threads about the issues I have had with my wife. I just wanted to provide an update.

Regarding the issues we had I mentioned we were going to speak to our teacher. Since my wife kept mentioning that she wants her own place before the child is born I stated to her that I will rent a place and that is not a problem but I expect to see our teacher for advice on how to proceed without any issue for the future and this was agreed, I knew that because issues have been happening all the time she was not aware of exactly of what it was to be about.

So we went and the teacher and he basically confirmed that I had spoken to him and what this meeting was about, at this point he asked my wife whether she wanted to proceed as it seemed she was not entirely happy with what was to be discussed. Any way his advice was simple:

• Regardless of my mum being abroad for the following 6 months I would have to get a separate place for my wife but this was my choice with regards to what and where as long as it was safe etc

• She mentioned my lack of communication to which he stated that I should always communicate with wife even trivial things

At this point we discussed what she had been saying to me regarding being a dictator and that she was leaving etc, his advice was:

• Any partner that behaves in such manner with the other should be sent home and should only come back when they are prepared to be in a marriage

-She is a married woman and cannot go back and forth as she desires and if she wanted that then she should have stayed single

• We had a lengthy discussion about her going back and forth and that she cannot. Just as the husband has been providing shelter, clothing, food, holidays. there are responsibilities towards the husband of the wife and this is not right and that an agreement or something would need to be discussed and especially regarding people staying over

• She had no issues with the way I conduct arguments but because I said she behaves in a particular manner I was advised with her that I would need to ‘stand my ground’ in aspects that are within my right and it is the right thing to do

Anyway after this discussion I had a follow up discussion with my wife and confirmed that I will work on these two issues plus be the best person I can be as life is not about rules but understanding each other but it is definitely not about taking advantage of the other person, suffice to say she was not happy with what the teacher said but she would not go into it. All iI said was that I follow the advice given and work on what was said by all parties.

Anyway the reason I have posted the above is that we have found a house to rent BUT this house will not be available for another week and is unfurnished. Now my wife has stated bluntly that if the baby arrives (it is already due) before the house is ready then she is going to her mums and will not bring the baby back here. She is depresed in this house and feels lonely and brings back too many memories of her being lonely and will not come back here. Now nobody lives here except me and her but she refuses ‘put her child through living here’.

Her friends have been around here, a friend was around only yesterday as well as her family members.

How can I work with such a person, when our teacher spoke to use he specifically stated that I am not in control of anything and that this whole saga has resulted from the husband not emphasising his rights and sitting his wife down and speaking to her that you cannot justdo whatever you want. So I said to her that under no circumstances will my child go anywhere but where we live and it will live here until the new house is ready which is a week, most likely. But she is not having any of it.

‘I don’t care what you say I am not subjugating my child through this’

When I ask what, she just mentions her depression of staying here

I clearly said to her that if my child does not come back to this house with me and you then there is no point ever coming back here, we are done. I even emphasised what our teacher said that she just cannot go where she wants but she is not agreeing to anything.

I find it really funny as well because she specifically said that if I had ever outright said no she cannot go to her mother’s because she has been too many times then she would not have gone.

The meeting was over a week ago and since then I have done EVERYTHING I possibly can in terms of communication, I always talk to her, especially regards to the house and what is gong on and what will happen next but then this. I even go through the paperwork with her and have visited all the houses with her and ensure she comes with me but still .

[stoppit]

Re: Thought is was all sorted

Ok, I get 'standing your ground' but I do not get these ultimatums. They are childish and don't get anyone anywhere. It will only make her more stubborn and feel worthless that you think you can so easily discard her. I can see why she says you act like a dictator.

If it was any other time, my advice would probably be different but she is a pregnant women who is due to give birth. This is an incredibly difficult time and it doesn't seem like you are being empathetic. There is more to a husband-wife relationship that practicalities (finding the house).

I feel this is relevant, given the situation: Prior to having my baby, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I couldn't understand why in our culture, the wife is sent off to live with her parents for a month or so. It seemed totally weird and unnecessary to me. So the first three weeks after coming home, I stayed in our flat with my husband (he was on paternity leave). Yet, despite him being home all day and my mum coming around for an hour or so daily, those were the toughest three weeks of my life. My husband tried to help at night when things were at their worst but was clueless. He gets really irritable when tired so there were parts of the day when I would have no help because he wanted to sleep. I spent a good part of every day crying, crying from exhaustion, crying from breastfeeding pain, crying because I couldn't understand why my baby kept crying. Anyway, once his paternity leave was over and he had to leave (he was working in another part of the country), he forced me to stay with my mum rather than be on my own. I cannot tell you how much things improved and now I understand why our culture makes new mothers go to their parents. My mum knew how to care for my baby, she knew how to care for me. I've read so many articles since on this crucial post-birth time and the fact that new mothers need real help from people who know how to help them.

So, I would say, regardless of the flat being ready, she should stay with her mum for a few weeks once the baby arrives. Instead you should come up with an agreed time that she should be away for and put more emphasis on her moving into the new place at the time she has agreed to.

You can solve a lot of problems by being genuinely understanding and providing a person with what they need, emotionally as well as physically. You should be working on making her want to be with you, not driving her away, if you really care for her and want this marriage to work out.

[Paheli00]

Re: Thought is was all sorted

@Difficulty

Since you posted this just to provide an update, it doesn't look like you're seeking advice (you have your teacher for that) or looking for any type of discussion. Thus, I'm closing this thread. If you change your mind, PM me.