One third of all Arab marriages end up in divorce … That’s a high number for a Muslim socitey. In US and UK nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Third of Kuwaiti marriages end in divorce
KUWAIT CITY: Roughly a third of marriages in Kuwait are likely to end up in divorce, according to government sources. Researchers at Kuwait University (KU) recently offered an insight into what this statistic actually means and also highlighted reasons for these divorces. “Many marriages end in divorce during the Melka period,” says Dr Fahad Al-Thakeb, professor at KU. “This is a short period when the couple is legally married, but do not engage in intercourse. Many people don’t consider this a real marriage and this is the only chance the couple have to understand each other.” The divorce rate in Kuwait is the same as that in other Gulf states, and far lower compared to the West, he adds.
Dr Anwar Alkhurinej, Doctor of Social Work at KU, was an officer for Family Counseling at the Ministry of Justice during her student training. She says the divorce rate only includes the number of people who actually decide to get divorced, and that there are many couples who are in an “emotional divorce” - who either don’t live together or who live together for the sake of their children with no ties or communication with each other. Dr Alkhurinej says during her marriage counseling, she came across many couples who were just angry at each other and were looking to vent their frustrations, rather than actually getting divorced. “Many cases have been solved through communication,” she says. “That is the key. Once couples try to find out why they are angry at each other, they forget the problem,” she added.
Dr Alkhurinej says she advises around 20 couples a day, mostly young couples between the age group of 20 to 35 years, in their first, second, or third year of marriage. She says lack of communication, lack of time to get to know one another, different backgrounds, cases of deception, parental, family interference and getting married at a young age were prime factors for disagreements between couples.
According to an official at one of the Counseling Centers at the Ministry of Justice, other factors include age differences or addiction. Reasons Dr Al Thakeb lists in his book ‘Women and Divorce in Kuwaiti Society’, published in 1999, include: “Bad treatment such as cheating, drug consumption, beating and gambling; not finding a home separate from in-laws for the couple; sexual harassment; differences in education between the couple; polygamy; financial problems; psychological diseases, jealousy and mistrust; and curses and magic between and against the couple.”
Statistics provided by the Information Systems Center at the Ministry of Justice in 2001 show the 1999 divorce rate was 35.6 per cent and that cases were highest among those with little or no high school education, followed by high school graduates. On the decline were divorces between educated couples. Ministry statistics also show the trend of Kuwaiti men marrying non-Kuwaiti women is on the increase while that of Kuwaiti women marrying non-Kuwaiti men is on the decrease. Saudi Arabia is the main place where intermarriages take place. Asia is second and in this statistic, Kuwaiti men are again more likely to intermarry than Kuwaiti women.
According to Dr Alkhurinej, who advised expat couples, Kuwaiti couples, and mixed marriages, reasons of divorce were the same amongst all groups. The same official at a Counseling Center at the Ministry of Justice said expats had a higher rate of divorce due to financial problems and that “intermarried couples” sometimes had cultural and background differences that lead to divorce. When couples come to the Family Counseling Center, they talk to a social worker individually, then with their spouse. The session’s length “depends on how angry the person is, how big the problem is, and how much they want to talk,” says Dr Alkhurinej. Most couples resolve their problems, and couples are free to come back to counseling, or go to the court for divorce, she says.
Statistics for eight years provided by the Ministry of Planning and Statistics Department show cases referred to the Counseling Center are increasing but that more of these cases are being settled. Last year saw 4,358 cases of divorce, with 1,350 cases settled amicably and 3,008 resulting in the actual termination of marriage. Out of the 2,110 cases referred this year, 1,489 have actually been divorced. In 1996, out of the 2,765 cases referred to counseling, 95 cases were settled, and 2,670 couples divorced.
In one of the most interesting couples Dr Alkhurinej saw, the man was 17 and the woman 15. She says the couple were originally cousins and when the girl’s father died, they were forced to marry by the girl’s uncle to protect her. According to Dr Alkhurinej, the husband wanted a divorce saying, “somehow I feel like she’s my sister.” The wife was already pregnant at the time and the husband wanted to reconsider a re-marriage after the birth of the child. Dr Alkhurinej says this man wasn’t like other men who wanted divorce just because they were angry. “He was just a child, really not aware of the responsibilities of marriage. He was laughing all the time, saying ‘I can’t believe I did it’.”
Dr Alkhurinej says she remembers one marriage where the man was an American and the woman Kuwaiti. They came to see how they could keep their marriage together despite the family pressures on the wife’s side regarding her having a foreign husband. She added the couple were very obviously happy together and she tried to talk to the woman’s father, who refused. The couple went to the court and she does not know if they convinced the father to talk to the judge or if they were divorced. Many people just marry because they have to, not what they have in mind for a marriage, while others marry hastily because they are in love, and many aren’t prepared, or don’t know each other very well, she says.
In cases where the wife’s education is higher than that of the husband, she says the counselors talk mainly with the woman, telling her she should show her husband that it isn’t a case of inferiority and superiority.Talking about the phenomenon of matchmaking which is increasingly popular and said to make accurate and lasting marriages, Dr Alkhurinej says many couples “of all backgrounds ranging from PhDs to no education” who go through this service and marry only once they get to know each other after one or two months of being engaged, not enough time to really get to know each other.
“When people are engaged, they show their best, and once they get married, they show the other side,” says Dr Alkhurinej. Others go through matchmaking friends and not institutions. This phenomenon has been going on for a long time, but back then divorce was not as easy, she says. The Ministry of Justice provides each married couple with videotapes on marital expectations to avoid marital complications. Religious leaders often arrange speeches and workshops on marriage.
Meanwhile, the issue of the validity of “cell-phone divorce,” where the husband can divorce his wife by texting “I divorce thee,” is being debated amongst officials in Kuwait, says Dr Alkhurinej. This phenomenon has been accepted in Malaysia, where it is considered similar to a letter or document. It is also being debated in the United Arab Emirates. “Most people go through the counseling office first, but of course, some people don’t even bother,” she added.
On the situation of around 40,000 Kuwaiti women who are unmarried, Alkhurinej says parents often require a “full-option husband: large and good family, high position, high salary, “Mr Perfect” for their daughter. But of course there is no such thing.” Other families, demand huge dowries as well as a car, large house, and housemaids, which most men cannot provide. This is changing, she says. Some women forget about marriage as they pursue higher education, “Before they know it, they’re over 30. The marriageable age in Kuwait is seen as between 20 and 25,” says Alkhurinej.
An individual, who wished to remain anonymous, said a friend of his divorced his wife when he found “suspicious numbers” on her cell phone. He looked at her cell phone when he noticed his wife hung up on someone she was talking to as she entered the room. He then monitored her movements for some time until he confirmed that she was having an affair. An official working for the Marriage Counseling Department of the Ministry of Justice, who preferred to remain anonymous said the most interesting case she saw was of a husband who wished to divorce his wife after a fight over a glass of water.
When their daughter spilled a glass of water on her clothes, the mother said she was too busy to change her and would do so when she finished what she was doing. The father got angry and insisted she do so immediately while the mother insisted she was too busy and that it was only water. The husband filed for divorce.
By Ceyda Oskay, Arab Times Staff
http://www.arabtimesonline.com/arabtimes/kuwait/Viewdet.asp?ID=1029&cat=a
