These days... (joint family system)

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Not living in a joint family is never the reason OR an excuse for a divorce. Our society really needs to get that out of its mind. In Islam the idea is to bring two families together through marriage, BUT its still about the happiness of the couple not their parents or grandparents. I find this to be a HUGE misconception in our desi society. Lets not forget ALLAH does not look good upon an unhappy marriage.

There are two reasons why divorce rates are rising, and no it has nothing to do with joint family:
1. Women are able to stand up against any abuse and have the capability of being independent.
2. we have become very impatient towards the actions of others.

Reason #1 sounds like a pretty good reason to go forward with a divorce, too many women and some men have been suffering from abuse from their spouses which, if you live in a joint family system, get covered up!! So yes it may lead to divorce, but I think its a good thing over all.

Aside from that, a joint family system can be a good thing as long as everyone has open communication, they are capable of using rational reasoning, and everyone has privacy.

22

It isn’t recommended, unless the parents are old or lonely, the joint family system where DIL moves in with inlaws straight after marriage is a Hindu concept, not a Muslim one, u only have to think about it logically in terms of what happens if she wears hijab or is not supposed to be left alone with non-mehrams to realise that..

If was Islamic how come it is literally only desi Muslims who move the DIL in with them right after marriage?? In Arab cultures, as in many others, a man isn’t considered a real man unless he can provide his wife with a home or space of her own, when they do live with inlaws it is only really when the parents are elderly and need help and even then the wife is always given the absolute bare minumum of her own bathroom and place to cook, not the way desis do it with the couple just living out of the son’s bedroom and having hardly any space or privacy..

‘My husband doesnt understand my feelings regards to living with his family’

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher

                                    **Question:**

I’ve been married for 11 months now and and me and my husband are expecting our first child in April. In general I am very happy with my husband and i love him very much, the only problem is living with his family. he has loads of brothers and sisters some are married but they are always around with their children and their husbands there isn’t much privacy.

His mum is constantly moaning about something or the other and it is really getting me down and I feel like any day now I’m going to have a mental breakdown. the problem is my husband knows how i feel about living with his family, but his refusing to to do anything about it. I can’t take this anymore. please help me with this problem and what can i do to make my husband see how im feeling. Im not asking him to disown his family or anything like that just that i need my own space.

             **Answer:**

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I pray this message finds you well. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
A woman has the right to separate lodging from her in-laws. At the very least, your husband is obliged to provide you with a separate living space, bedroom, bath, and kitchen.

Please communicate your concerns to your husband emphasizing:

  1. the importance of fulfilling one’s responsibilities towards one’s spouse

  2. the importance of privacy in building a strong and lasting marriage

  3. the importance of having your own space (and some peace and quiet) when the baby arrives

I pray that you can work out a solution that is to the benefit of all involved.
Please see this related article at SunniPath.com:

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=273&
CATE=87

In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

**If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter.
**
The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

It is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=273&
CATE=87

More info here:

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=7128&CATE=10

**
**Fair enough if people want to live in the joint family system but please don’t lie and **mislead others into thinking it’s preferred in Islam

**

23

Re: These days... (joint family system)

Thanks Deeba. For some of the mullahs around here, Islam is only selectively used to suit their purposes.

24

For someone with a picture of himself speaking in a microphone on a stage in Islamic garb and a 1/2 foot long beard, you are telling me you have no clue what Islam says about separate living quarters for a man and his wife?

Really?

25

Re: These days… (joint family system)

Ditto.

Jis cheez se agreement nahi hota aagay se ye reason milti hai ke ‘jee Islam may hai yeh cheez’

Saying that something is in Islam when it is cleary not is even a bigger gunnah

:halo:

26

Never mentioned that it was in Islam nor did I say it was preferred in Islam.

..

Again nobody really answered my question:
I want to know through this thread is why do we see more and more couples moving out and/or seeing joint family system as a broken system? (even in Pak)

27

Read some of your buddies' replies in this thread.

28

[quote="“PyariCgudia, post:510, topic:165718"”]

Read some of your buddies’ replies in this thread.
[/quote]

this?

Now, if some man was to open a thread describing a woman here, you’d be fuming.

29

Re: These days... (joint family system)

joint family is SARDARDI
i hv met 100000000000000000000000000000000 girls and ask3d them if they are happy with that
i swear upon God
not a single girl is happy with that....no argument left
if u have any then
tell me the contact info of 10 girls from the whole universe who are happy with their joint family system

30

It has always had its problems but in the old days girls were told even by their own families that they had to just put up with these situations, mainly due to our biased Hindu-influenced culture..

Amongst the many reasons couples are moving out is that the world is becoming a smaller place and it's not so unusual for the son to get a job or study in another city or even country.. also prob more disposable income these days which means that more couples can afford to move out and slowly slowly slowly it's becoming more socially acceptable to do so, despite what some ppl think on here..

31

Applying common sense wouldn't hurt either to answer you question.

Not many people like the joint family system, because 1) there is less of need 2) why not have your own home if you can, instead of living with your brothers and sisters and their families? 3) Many purdah issues in Islam arise with this
4)it's a wife's right to have her own home.

It's difficult living in a joint family system, where u have to constantly make sure you aren't crossing any boundries, being too loud, can't yell at your kids without everyone giving their 2 cents,etc.

32

i am not single anymore ... and i dont live in a joint-family system either. but always did and still do criticize this system because i have lived a large part of my growing up years in it.
there definitely are nice parts about it, but i have to say, majboori or no majboori, the nice parts look too small when compared to the darker aspects of it.

33

Re: These days... (joint family system)

Ummmmmmmmmm...have we forgotten all of the MIL threads? Joint family system is the very reason why divorce happens in the first place (if it happens) when families are living together. Its when they move out that relationships get better.

34

Re: These days... (joint family system)

doooooooooooooooor jao takeh k dil k paas reh sako :@:

35

Have you noticed something about the MIL threads? It's like there will be a break where you don't see such threads at all for some time. And then a few weeks later...you get 1 MIL thread.....followed by a slew of them. It's like that one thread gets the other going...and there's like a baarish of them.

36

Re: These days... (joint family system)

i think it all comes down to money. If there are problems and the couple can afford a separate house then they should move out but in many cases it is not a choice and families have to live under one roof to meet ends meet.

why is it happening ?

the concept of caring and sharing is fading and every one wants his/her own space. We have big egos now and dont want any one to interfere in our lives.

37

Re: These days... (joint family system)

Both situations have advantages and disadvantages.

Whatever suits to a couple and the family is fine.

The reason why it is happeneing more is

1- because younger women are now getting to be more annoyed by older women/people telling them what to do.

They have at times very legit reasons no question. But also in other cases, they are getting more sensitive to issues which are not even issues.

2- The idea of 'freedom' is getting stronger. At times this freedom touches the boundary of being rebellious.

3- There are many things people want to do 'privately' or without interference of others.

4- Older and younger generation gap is getting wider because of fast change in fasion, cultural issues or even cooking/eating habits. She wants to wear lingerie or sleeveless and husband wishes they be living separately too...for fun. New generation wants chinese dish, lasagna (lazania), Pizza/burger and older cooking is just getting too boring.

5- Other intimate activities are just not possible in joint family living. Bedroom is not the only place considered for these activities. Kids may ruin it anyway when living separately. :D

38

Re: These days... (joint family system)

Im tellin ya...its more that it was a majboori in the past and not so much now.

Before, women didnt have access to education, careers, jobs, etc. If they didnt listen to their inlaws, they would be on the first rail gari home to their mayka and then become a boj on their parents. At that point, getting a woman re-married was a feat in itself that most didnt even attempt. So, she spends the rest of her days hanging her head in shame while the rest of the gaoon talks about her and her parents. For most people, suicide was a better option than this. Khandan ki izzat and all that.

Now...women are educated and have options..joint family system is no longer their sole means of survival.

Who is going to listen to saas ke tanay when she can easily support herself?

39

This is where you mentioned it.

Haing different opinions is not infiltrating minds.

But what I want to know through this thread is why do we see more and more couples moving out and/or seeing joint family system as a broken system?
For each couple it is different. But IMO there is inteference with how the couple should talk, how and where they go out, when to go out, what time to wakeup, what to eat, when to eat, what to say, when to say, how you say what you say, who you talk to, who you dont talk to, how much tv you watch, what you watch, what you wear, when you wear what you wear, who visits you, who is allowed to visit you, who allows visits of whom, who doesnt allow visits, who to ask for permission for visits of family and friends.

Adding children, where do they sleep? if Daddy has to go to work, kid is crying all night and the room is shared by mummy, daddy and munna. Then mummy is the one who gets scolded for munna crying all night. If there are more rooms in the house, still mummy is blamed for munna crying and daddy being disturbed from the crying. Daddy starts to resent everytime munna cries at night. Mummy starts to resent everyone for blaming her when munna cries. Munna grows with being scolded everytime he opens his mouth. The cycle continues.
And the result is a grown man thinking if my mother and father have lived in a joint family system, so can i and my wife and kids.
Some people are choosing to break this cycle or culture.

40

Read again. ;-)

Thank you all for the replies.