A lecture by Sheikh Abdullah Adhami
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your
whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your
partner, your companion, and your best friend. She will share your moments,
your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your
successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she
will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can
for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she
will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up
in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the
day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her
physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her
heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your
eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in
your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her
whole world.
The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur’anic verse which says:
“They are your garments and you are their garments.” (Surah Al Baqarah
2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide
one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and
the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the
winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same
level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives
on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human
relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy
and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses
is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing
of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala,
“And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature …”
(Surah Al Nahl 16:72)
Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless
Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed
feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala is
reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings
in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to
His existence as He says in the Qur’an, “And among His signs is this, that
He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in
tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts:
verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Surah Al Rum 30:21)
But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala knows that the human heart is not a static
entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do
change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might
weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for
granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For
the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to
be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.
Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam had found
the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran
him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that
the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam took his wife to watch the young
Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is
necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating.
Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala for any
emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam
said “One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure
of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife” Never
underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in
your wife’s mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the
Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to
assist her up to ride the camel.
Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening
the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala is the best guarantee
that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having
peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala will always result in having more peace
at home. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam gave glad
tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet
Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to
wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.
Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to
her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time
with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu aliahi wa’sallaam
said, “The best of you are those who are best to their wives”
Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until
death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but
not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what
she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved
ones. Don’t be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife’s parents
coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her “I don’t like your
parents.” Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said,
“I don’t like yours either.” Also, it is not enough that you love her until
death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life
after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined
by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.
The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa’sallaam
whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those
she loved; this love of his continued even after her death. It was many
years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was
slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija’s family
and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be
Khadija’s sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala.
“I put my trust in Allah, my Lord and your Lord! There is not a moving creature, but He has a grasp of its forelock. Verily, my Lord is on the straight path. (The truth)”
(11:55-56)
“…Indeed my prayer, my sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allaah, the Lord of the worlds” (6:162)