The Relationship Bank Account

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Growing up, what pushed my mom’s hot button was when I’d forget to take out the garbage. Too often, on Friday mornings, I’d hear Mom screaming: “Sean, get your rear end out of bed! I can hear the garbage truck coming and you forgot the garbage - again!” Eventually, she resorted to posting reminder notes on everything - the door, the fridge, the vanity, my pillow. “SEAN. DO THE GARBAGE OR DIE!”

I also learned ways to get on Mom’s good side. Mom just loved it when I’d get good grades. She’d stick my report card up on the walls for all her friends to see and would brag, brag, brag. She also loved it when I’d help do the dishes or carry the groceries in. That’s how I made up for all those missed garbage runs and kept our relationship in the plus column.

The amount of trust you have in a relationship is like a checking account at a bank. I call it the Relationship Bank Account or RBA. If you make lots of small deposits by being thoughtful, loyal, and other such things, you’ll develop high trust, or high RBA. When it comes to your parents, how’s your RBA? If $1,000 represents a strong relationship with your parents, how much have you deposited? Is there really $1,000 in the bank or is it more like $500? Perhaps you’re down around $0 or are overdrawn at -$1,000. Whatever your situation, the formula is the same:You build a relationship a deposit at a time

Here are five deposits that seem to work well with parents. Of course, with every deposit, there’s an opposing withdrawal.

****Deposits ****
Understand what’s important to them
**Withdrawals **
Assume you know

**Deposits **
Tell the truth
**Withdrawals **
Lie and cover up

**Deposits **
Sense the need and do it
**Withdrawals **
Wait until you’re told

**Deposits **
Remember the little things
**Withdrawals **
Forget the little things

**Deposits **
Open up
**Withdrawals **
Close yourself off

**Deposits **
Use the most important words
**Withdrawals **
Avoid the most important words

Source: The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make" - Sean Covey, pp. 130-131

2

Re: The Relationship Bank Account

Covey has explained the same metaphor in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The six deposits he has mentioned in that book are:

1- Understanding the individual
2- Attending to the little things
3- Keeping commitments
4- Clarifying personal expectations
5- Showing personal integrity
6- Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal

You can also consider every emotional account a joint account. We cannot expect one account holder to go on making deposits indefinitely when the other continues to withdraw all deposits. If one or both parties continue to withdraw more than they can deposit, they’re going to reach a stage where they’ll have nothing left in their emotional account. At this point they’ll either have to open a completely new account, or they can write off their deposits as bad debts and go into liquidation.