Inshallah all of you are in the best state of health and Imaan once you are reading this.
I’ve been requested by some members to tell why I decided to become a Muslim, what were my motives and what was my life like as a kaffir, so now I’m making a thread on it. It’s not easy as I feel this is a very personal thing, something between Allah SWT and me, however maybe it can inspire others and help them with their own faith.
I live in Germany, I also own a German passport, but ethnically I’m Indian I was even born in India. I came to Germany almost 21 years ago. I should also mention I’m adopted, my parents are German, so I didn’t have any affiliation or connection to Desi culture(it came after my conversion). I was a Roman Catholic, my baptism had also taken place in India. My German parents even gave me an Indian name.
Anyways the first few years of my life were quite normal, I hardly recall them, I had my Communion at the age of 9, we attended church at times(mostly on holidays), my parents never forced me to pray or to read the Bible(we don’t even have one), the only religious person which I can remember was my maternal grandmother, she was quite into Catholicism and would always make me say a prayer before we had lunch at her place.
So my life was quite normal, except for some discrimination from narrow-minded people who couldn’t understand why white people chose to adopt a kid from a so-called third world country.
Everything changed when I turned 10 years old. Sab kuch. My mom became ill, she was diagnosed with cancer, it was a brain tumour and believe me guys back in 1999 they didn’t have all the means to make a succesful surgery. I remember the day she had been admitted to hospital so clearly because it was the first day in my life as a child where I sincerely begged God to please make my mommy healthy again. I was lying in my bed at night and cried out, I just couldn’t stand the thought of her being in a hospital surrounded by strangers and me all alone at home waiting for her return. She underwent surgery once and we all thought she was going to recover, she was quite normal and did normal things, yes she had lost her hair because of the ray treatment but still she was fine. Afterall she was my mom she would surely get better. However she had to go for regular checks and they told her that the tumour was still too big, they hadn’t been able to remove everything she had to underwent surgery for a second time. That time things were different. She wasn’t acting normal anymore, she would forget things within 5 minutes, she wouldn’t eat on her own or go to the bathroom on her own, she had to be constantly reminded of it. My dad and I were lost. So then the doctors gave one final statement and that was “We are sorry, but we cannot help you anymore, there’s nothing more we can do”, OK I had felt it creeping inside of me…Now it was determined mom was going to die it was just a matter of time. My aunt(khala) desperately tried everything to safe her youngest sister, one more stay at a special hospital for several weeks, my grandma was willing to do anything if it would only spare her child death. So my mom went there but logically nothing changed. It was the end of the year. My mom was at home, lying in a bed, couldn’t do anything anymore, not talk normally, nothing, I barely went in to see her, sometimes I saw her or tried talking to her in her language, in that weird way she was talking. She was on morphine.
My birthday was approaching. I’m supposedly born on the 31st December(no one of my folks in India had notified my birth). I wasn’t celebrating. I was just sitting there and waiting. People were so mad about 2000 approaching I wasn’t. I went to bed before the big fireworks and woke up at 6AM. Then my dad came into my room, he said “I’m sorry, I don’t know if you realised that your mother passed away this night”. I didn’t feel any pain. I felt relief, I thought at least now she need not suffer anymore the way she had to before. My family was in pain and I “coped” with it, the way an 11 year old could cope with it. I didn’t cry, not once did I cry. I wanted to be strong for everyone else they shouldn’t be burdened with my feelings.
One thing changed and that was my attitude towards religion. I hated God, I had become so upset at Him. How could he dare let my mother die after I had BEGGED him to make her healthy again? I refused to continue my work as an altar servant, I refused church visits, I refused wearing crosses. I found comfort in false friends, cigarettes, rebellion and at times alcohol(at partys). Whenever I had religion class I’d tell the teacher how ridiculous religious people were. I lived like that for 5 years, until I became 16. I had suicidal thoughts, I didn’t want to continue this life because I didn’t see any reason or meaning in it. However I realised something was lacking, deep inside of me there was a feeling craving for a connection to something to someone greater than anything else. So I decided to go for Confirmation classes, I thought it could revive my broken faith in Christianity, but it only confused me more. We were taught about the trinity and that concept didn’t make any sense to me at all “How could God be one and at the same time be 3 different things? Holy Spirit, Son, Father and all of those 3 are connected and are one?” To whom did Jesus AS pray while he was on the cross(supposedly)? To himself? I had my confirmation but I buried my faith in Christianity for good.
I felt depressed but I was keen on continuing my search so I thought why shouldn’t I take a look into the Indian philosophies of Buddhism and especially Hinduism? I liked the idea of getting to know my homeland more and more. I even made a presentation on Hinduism in my religion class and everyone liked it. However there was still something missing, I didn’t like the aspect of idolatry, I liked the idea of not being sad when someone died, but at the same time I didn’t feel at ease with the aspect of rebirth, I felt we only had one life to live, plus there was NO connection to God and I longed for that so badly.
**So then it was in 2006 when I came across a discussion at a movie forum. It was about the aspect of trinity and there was a Muslim guy explaining his opinion about it. I liked his way of dealing with all haters how he remained nice and calm all time, so I decided why not PM him and ask him some short questions about Islam? He answered them but I felt I wanted to know more. So he gave me his MSN addy and we started chatting. I asked everything I had always wanted to know about Islam. All I knew was they believed in a God named Allah SWT, a prophet named Muhammad SAW and their book is known as Qu’ran. I knew of Ramazan and of the 5 daily prayers. I thought women were opressed, why else would they be expected to wear a headscarf? No one else was doing it. That guy actually asked for my real address and promised to send me the Qu’ran in my language. I didn’t believe it.
So while we were chatting he would always explain to me the belief of Islam. One God, He is almighty, He is unique. Whatever He wills is going to happen. We come from Him we have to return to Him. Death is nothing bad, we have to accept it, there is no need to cry, people don’t belong to us they belong to Allah SWT. Sometimes things happen which we don’t understand, but someday we realise why it was best for them to happen. He taught me about Muhammad SAW the messenger of God, the last of the prophets, who came with this beautiful message to people who had no purpose in life similar to me. How Hazrat Muhammad SAW had struggled and how he had manifested the Imaan of those people by showing good behaviour and actions. Alhamdulillah. The only thing we need is to worship Allah SWT, it is our reason to be here on this earth, good actions will bring you hasanat insha’Allah. Those ayat in the Qu’ran, even in their translation they sounded so beautiful they filled me with tears and joy. Everything I had ever been searching for was right in front of me in this Holy Book. I finally felt there was the connection I had been searching for all my life long, I felt Allah SWT had called me to Him, I felt I was coming home. After all those years where I had been ridden by doubt and pain. Where I had been lost. I was coming home to my Rab. Alhamdulillah. Allah SWT chose this deen for me, I couldn’t do anything else but accepting it, He put Imaan into my heart, He filled it with Islam and He gave me Hidayah. Subhan’Allah. I will NEVER be able to repay Him. I cannot do anything to show him how grateful I am to be a Muslimah. I try my best, but the gift of Islam can never be compensated with anything else in this world. I reverted to Islam and my Qu’ran arrived one day afterwards.**
I kept my Islamic life secret. Once I had started to visit my new school I decided to wear hijaab, secretly. I felt terrible whenever I took it off once I left home with my father. During Ramazan one of my former classmates saw me wearing the headscarf, she was Turkish, Muslim, also a hijaabi. She saw me and merely asked me why I chose to do this and I explained it. She ran home to her mother and told her everything she literally screamed “Mom do you remember this girl from school? She IS A MUSLIM” Her family was in shock. They didn’t know what to say, but they felt it was a blessing to know someone who had been a kuffar and who had now found the truth. Their Imaan was revived. They helped me so much, gave me a book so I could learn to read Namazz, invited me during Ramazan. They were such a big support and still are amazed by this miracle and how they were blessed. Alhamdulillah. May Allah SWT grant all of them Jannat Firdous. Ameen.
Logically my father hates the whole idea of a Muslim daughter. He said if I had chosen to become a Hindu it would have been more reasonable for him as I am an Indian girl(Yeah people here don’t know that there are Indian Muslims). I had so many fights about the hijaab and about Islam in general, inshallah someday he will understand why I chose this path.
Unlike other “German” reverts I don’t get too many bad comments for my hijaab(some bigots and racists might say stuff at times I try not to bother too much with it), probably because I can pretend to be a Pakistani so it looks natural on me. Alhamdulillah. I’m still not perfect but inshallah, Allah SWT has NEVER EVER let me down, He is ALWAYS there. Mash’Allah. I’m thankful to Him each day of my life for everything He has done for me. He spared me a life in poverty in India, He spared me so many other things. Subhan’Allah.
GOSH my post was longer than I had intended I hope you guys did at least read the important parts of it :S…
Jazakallah khair for reading, may Allah SWT bless all of you. Ameen.
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