I have this question in my mind for a while. I feel really bad for the OP in the above thread. Feeling Devastated/Broken
I didnt wana post my question in the same thread out of fear that i might hurt the posters feelings. I really do feel bad for her. This doesnt apply to Nightingale, but i will use her case as an example later.
What if husband doesnt think his wife is putting any effort to save the marriage. I know a case where husband is almost fed up wife, he thinks his wife is doing everything to emotionally hurt him. He claims that he wants to discuss problems but he cant. He wants her to change few things in their life. He goes if i tell her to do something nicely, she ignores it. If he tells her something with anger she gets in the same tone. If he trys to make a logical argument, she gets into the argument of why he thinks her mentality is so low. (what ever that means)
Now One day he goes that “kisi din demagh kaharab ho jaey ga aur mera is larki per hath uth jaey ga”. I told him not to do that. That is obviously wrong answer. then he goes, what is he suppose to do? Now at this point I cant even tell him to talk to her coz thats not helping them.
He tells me that now when she does something wrong, he doesn’t yell or get angry at her, he just stops talking to her. His wife probably is thinking key choti moti mamoli fight hai, but its not. Soon he might end up divorcing her. She might be shocked, it was all fine “choti moti laraiaan hoti thieen and all in sudden divorce kesay ho gai”. Its not all in sudden for sure. That cud be somthing that happened in nightingales case. He was probably quiet from outside and not from inside.
What is a husband suppose to do in such cases. If he phsically or verbally abuses her HE IS DEFINITELY WRONG. IF he stays quiet and one day hands her the divorce papers he is still wrong. What other options does he have ?
These are not the only two options in solving a problem. There is something called sitting down with the other person and calmly discussing such matters. If both were mature enough to marry, then both should be mature enough to solve things amicably, as adults.
in every couple there is always one person crazier than the other. though the future of relationship depends on other person's patience threshold that how much he/she can keep up with their crazy partner's insanity.
But Pakilarka since he trusts you ,what about her , do you have any kind of credibility in her eyes , does she give any weight to your opinions , if she does , you can be a mediator .
If it’s come to the stage where he’s contemplating divorce…at least let her know that you’re feeling THAT frustrated that you’re thinking of divorce if the situation doesn’t improve. Maybe he has to mention the word “divorce” as a possibility…in order for her to wake up. That way…when he does divorce her…she won’t be as surprised because he warned her before hand.
I think that even in marriages where both partners are aware that things are REALLY REALLY bad…it still comes as a surprise (to some extent…be it a small one) if one of them is handed/mailed divorce papers just like that. At least mention the possibilty of a split…rather than hand him/her the papers. It’s the decent thing to do.
And physically/verbally abusing…and handing divorce papers…these are two extremes. Surely there has to be a more civil and respectable medium. One can even try a trial break period…before getting to the handing of divorced papers.
Also......it's one thing if he only dumped his wife (Nightingale) but still wanted to maintain ties with his daugther and wanted to be involved in the child's life. That would garner more sympathy for him. But according to Nightingale......he not only dumped her....he also abandoned his daugther....and it's THIS that makes it tough for people to empathize with him. Sure there are two sides to a story and I acknowledge that....but there are other details in her thread as well....such as not even visiting her when she delivered the child....but having greater interest when his own sister is having a C-section. Why the difference in treatment?
But Pakilarka since he trusts you ,what about her , do you have any kind of credibility in her eyes , does she give any weight to your opinions , if she does , you can be a mediator .
If you ask anyone who went through a divorce as to why it happened, there will never be just one clear answer. Its always a build up of things over time that take their toll and one day...all hell breaks loose.
If I were you, I would tell him to its time to actually sit down and think about what he wants. Does he love her and want to be with her? If he does, he needs to fix this. How can he fix this? He has to find a way that gets through to her. If something is bothering him, he has to bring it up.
Get someone to sit down and talk them through things. Usually guys are not open to marriage counseling but women are. In this case, the husband is reaching out for help. Maybe he can take her for marriage counseling? Talk to a therapist?
There are times when people decide that they are no longer compatible and its useless to put more effort into the relationship.
I wonder how much really can counseling do. People cannot change much. Look at things outside marriage, i have had colleagues who try trick others into doing their work, they have been reprimanded, no use, transferred, no use, put on forced leave no use, fired and when they join another company after long layoff, they are still the same.
you should understand the difference between a reminder that if you continue such n such attitude u will see real divorce papers vs saying oh lol i was just kidding and i didnt mean
anyhow
That will open up another issue.
Someone who wants to change his mind can say, oh those were fake.
Bottom line: Divorce should not be made a joke. Islam prohibits that.
i know people who do the same make others work, take the credit and a successful. so its your example and it doesnt make it a universal truth
still u see your example is not quite relevant in terns of what i said and meant
all u gotta do it open their eyes (if you wana make sure their eyes do get open, take extraordinary measures)
There are times when people decide that they are no longer compatible and its useless to put more effort into the relationship.
I wonder how much really can counseling do. People cannot change much. Look at things outside marriage, i have had colleagues who try trick others into doing their work, they have been reprimanded, no use, transferred, no use, put on forced leave no use, fired and when they join another company after long layoff, they are still the same.
you should understand the difference between a reminder that if you continue such n such attitude u will see real divorce papers vs saying oh lol i was just kidding and i didnt mean
anyhow
What did fake divorce paper mean?
Will that paper/document be fake or real?
How would the woman know if these are real or fake?
Did you mean paper or verbal statement?
Not even in verbal threat divorce be said.
It may lead to long lasting effect on woman that she was threatened.
There are times when people decide that they are no longer compatible and its useless to put more effort into the relationship.
I wonder how much really can counseling do. People cannot change much. Look at things outside marriage, i have had colleagues who try trick others into doing their work, they have been reprimanded, no use, transferred, no use, put on forced leave no use, fired and when they join another company after long layoff, they are still the same.
Concentration camp, Siberia , or Jail will tame them.
Thanks for replys guys... Sorry i am little busy and cudnt get back earlier.
I read the replys over the weekened and i was impressed by idea's. Like Mirch bahi's, Shehryaar's and redvelvet's. I talked to my friend and he didnt seem to like the idea of sharing his problems on a public forum so he was a little moody didnt get any proper response from him.
Then i tried talkin to his wife. I am friends with guy only, I know his wife becoz of him. I tried bringing the issue up but i was surprised to hear her reply. She said i am his friend for a long time but she is the wife. She knows the guy more than me and she does know whats coming. She was actualy rite abt it. She knew what she was talking about. She said she isnt gona spend her life being scared of some step her husband can take. Jo meri qismat main hai woh tal nahi sakta. At this point i realized me staying there can cause more problems rather than fixing previous issues. I told her that i only wish both of them best. I hope they can work on the issues and fix em.
