The Paretal Balancing Act
There are four broad styles of parenting, based on the balance fathers and mothers strike between two elements: warmth and firmness. Warmth is the measure of how much love and support they give their children: firmness relates to the level of control they exercise over their children’s lives.
I’ve already mentioned that research shows the most effective parenting style is authoritative.
Authoritative parents treat their children warmly, which in practical term translates into giving them plenty of time and loving attention, listening to them and responding to their concerns and allowing some (safe) choices. But they’re also firm, ensuring rules and routines to provide stability, security and safety- for instance, regular family meals, bedtime schedules and rituals, monitoring tv viewing(and no television in the bedroom)…
…According to psychologists, a succesful balance between warmth and firmness should produce ‘self-regulating’ children, well balanced, resilient, with plenty of initiative, optimism and genuine self esteem…
Parents who are **firm with their children but lacking in warmth are labelled authoritarian. **They tend to lay down the law, without listening to child’s point of view or offering oppertunities for discussion, choice or negotiations…The outcome is generally a well behaved, obedient child, but with a poor self-image and in a generally liberal society poor self image can lead to problems(in terms of self destructive or antisocial behaviour) …
On the other hand, parents with high warmth but low firmness rating are labelled indulgent: they’re the ones who make a habit of love ‘not wisely but too well’—giving in to requests, letting children make more choices than is good for them, putting their offsprings’ interests above other people’s and automatically springing to their defence if they got into trouble.
Evidence is also begining to emerge that excessive indulgence accompanied by excessive praise can, in the case of certain children, stimulate ‘narcissistic personality disorder’–a recent addition journalists’ psychobabble that I’ll suspect we’ll hear much more about in coming years.
The final parenting style-neither firm nor warm-is labelled neglectful, and involves giving one’s children neither loving attention nor behavioral boundaries.Children brought up in neglectful homes grow up with poor self-esteem and a far higher chance of behavioural problem…
…So if we know the problem and we know the answer, why can’t more parents move towards an authoritative style?
From Sue Palmer’s Toxic Childhood