This is inspired by milly’s thread. Many, including myself, are saying that it all comes back to parenting.
When I was young, I was doing few stupid things that were not horrible but not something that I am very proud of. None of those things were ever allowed by, instigated by, encouraged by (directly or indirectly) my parents. In fact had they ever caught me doing such things, they would’ve beaten me or punished me for sure. My parents were simple people, they did not have much money to make the ends meet, so spoiling us was out of question. Love was there but expression of it was reserved for very special occasions - that means that yes I dont remember my mother hugging me or singing lullaby, but I remember her getting up at dawn to iron our uniform and fix meals for us, clean the house and help us with homework and teach us Quran.
So can I blame my parents for some stupidities that I might have done? I am not sure if it would be fair to do that.
So now when we see kids doing things that they should not be doing, is it fair to put the responsibility on parents?
I do think sometimes our attitude toward children is too often that they are already a "product" rather than a "work in progress." So we see them behaving a certain way and we think, why haven't their parents fixed this or taught them that. But we forget that they are humans too not just machines that do as their told. They are still growing and changing and evolving in conjunction with all that the world teaches them. I think we forget that there are a hundred different things the child is doing right thanks to all the work their parents/teachers have done. Now it's time to correct what's wrong. But that doesn't necessarily mean the parent has been negligent.
I completely understand what you are saying. Exactly how I was raised. My family had money just to give our fees and provide us decent food. Lived in my dadi's house with her so we didn't have a lot of things that other kids did at that time. But what Milly is saying does make sense. Its an obvious thing, it is something we know and since we have experienced it, there is nothing good coming out of it. I would definitely stop my son from doing wrong things and maybe take control of what he can do what he can't do (if I catch him do something wrong).
You know after becoming a parent, I feel that we as parents have a lot of control over this than we think. I am not gadget crazy. All these Iphone, Ipod, I can very well afford everything now (thanks to hubby :D). If I don't follow what I preach, my son will never understand why he is being stopped. I see parents have their phones at dinner table, constantly texting, don't you think the kid will do the same. Parents have a lot of control over what kids should see/do/use so why don't they take advantage of that control. I didn't have a cell phone until I was in umm maybe sophmore in college. These are the things my parents didn't care about giving me or were strict about. So yes a lot can be blamed on the parents. Some parents give duniya jahan ke gadgets to their kids which gives the kid a medium of doing badmashi. Kids don't make the smartest decisions most of the time. Give them all these techonology things ... and see their barbaadi.
What a loaded question. I think we can talk this to the end of time and koyee sahee answer nahee.
God bless our parents and may be we be half the parents they were.
I will absolutely blame some parents of some children for their upbringing of their children where boundaries weren't drawn, discipline was non-existent, and values weren't taught, through deed or action.
But on the other hand, there are some parents who do all of that and their children rebel or behave contrary to their upbringing.
Simple answer, ultimate responsibility for a child's actions rests with him/her. But for some, poor parenting led them to where they are and for others, the child chose this path on their own.
Sahar and Spiral, I love your answers. (our resident Lois Griffin just needs her ealry afternoon coffee :D).
Spiral, I also agree with Milly, but my question is not about gadgets. Gadgets or no gadgets, where do we draw the line between kids own personality (as Sahar mentioned) and good/bad parenting?
Could it be that nowadays we are more involved in our kids lives than our parents were in our lives - not because they loved us any less than we love our kids, but because intimations were not there as much when we were kids than now, so we need to be more protective towards our kids than our parents were?
Agree with Sehrysh.....there are definitely ages where the responsibility should rest with the parents and then ages where most of it should shift to the child.
Agree with Sehrysh.....there are definitely ages where the responsibility should rest with the parents and then ages where most of it should shift to the child.
what ages are those? The things I mentioned, I was probably 10-12 years of age. I still dont thing that my parents should be hold responsible for that
I agree with Sehrysh too. It really depends if parents were good role models to their children and whether they created a healthy environment for their children to grow properly both mentally and physically. If they set up clear rules and enforced them but you still went against those rules as a child then it's not your parents fault. At age 10-12 i think a lot of kids go through a phase when they do opposite of what they're told to do. But if parents didn't carify the boundaries to you then they are to be blamed too!
Dude I am not about 'blaming' the parents, hence I blamed on iPoo but youse all jumped on me for that!
I am not a parent, raising my siblings after my mother passed away doesnt count at all, however, I see things on a daily basis which make me question, not judge. I am no one to judge any parent and nor would I. I have a hard enough job as it is being a teacher!
We adults seem to forget that every little thing we do, say and act upon is all picked up and very well recieved by children. Im lucky in the sense that my 30 kids say things to me they wouldnt ever say to their parents. They are very very honest. They are constantly observing and picking up the tinest of habit from any adult around them.
A child's personality is formed from what they know and have experienced. Obviously nature plays a part in it too, but being an adult, who has experienced what the child has yet to experience, isnt it our job to try and aim for a positive experience. I dont mean control your childs personailty. Enhance it with decent morals, values and experiences. Of course it's hard, no one can do everything all of the time, but that doesnt mean you sit and let it just happen and the say 'well it's their personality, they chose to do this.'
A child really is the biggest most precious gift Allah can give, they are given to you for a reason. It's a thankless and relentless job and at times, a very difficult job, but in the words of Adidas and Ali...'Impossible is nothing'.
Dude I am not about 'blaming' the parents, hence I blamed on iPoo but youse all jumped on me for that!
.
My thread is not in retaliation but in agreement of your thread. I want to know where to draw the line between parenting style and kids own personality. Ipod is just one aspect, but it could be anything that could be seen as bad parenting.
I don't think that you can draw a line TLK.
Parenting style cannot and should not trump a kid's personality........it should compliment.
At the age that you are talking about I think that there is still some level of responsibility on the parents......for example.....if you are gallivanting around town at 10 pm on a weeknight at the age of 10 then the problem rests with parenting.
I don't think there is an answer to your question TLK as being a parent is lifelong. A parent never stops parenting and nor should they. I could give you many examples of 56 year old men who still need parenting. Parenting style cannit stop if the job is relentless.
Different times (or eras) need different methods to raise kids and there are more than one right ways.
There are cases in which your can put blame squarely on parents and there are some in which they have done their best but it was still not enough.
All the stupid things that I did in my time, most of the time i knew that I was doing wrong (and hence I take the blame for those but ) that tells that my parents did their job. Problem arises when most of the time kid does not know that he/she is doing wrong this is where parents have to take the blame.
- that means that yes I dont remember my mother hugging me or singing lullaby, but I remember her getting up at dawn to iron our uniform and fix meals for us, clean the house and help us with homework and teach us Quran.