A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
- Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the
boys. - The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior,and the Spook. - David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t
say…he was stoned off his ass. - We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this
and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.” - The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah! God. - Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.