I recently heard an elder giving advise to a girl who got married last year , that , that first two years of a marriage are the hardest, if you manage to get through that time, your marriage will stabilize to alot of extent.
Personally I feel marriage can stall a bit around 6-7 years of being married and thats when it can become hard for some people to deal with it. I might be wrong, coz I havnt experienced it myself yet but have seen a few couples going through this phase.
What do you guys think? does it become easier with time or does it start becoming more and more challenging as you try to fight the same routine , boredom in some cases etc ..
Hmm I agree with you chicken biryani. The first years are the honeymoon years when everything is fresh and fun. Tends to get boring and monotonous after 5 years and then you need to put more effort into it.
When we say more effort , what does that mean? give me examples..
why does it become harder to fight monotony in marriage? what about love, shouldnt love grow so strong that it almost feels like you cant live without that person?
The first year is probably the hardest. New environment, new people, new responsibilities. I think afterwards it sort of settles down and you develop a routine. I think it becomes easier with time, and if you're not doing things together as a couple, it'll probably also become a bit boring.
It means making time to do the things you used to do during the beginning of your relationship. I’m sure most couples have mutual interests, and things they enjoy doing, that get put on the back burner because of kids, or careers, or life in general. I’ve heard 10 hours a week thrown around for the amount of time people should aim to spend with their SO. This time should be just about going out alone, watching a movie, or any other activity, with no kids/work/family talk.
The most interesting thing I read was a study finding that extremely happily married couples had the same brain chemistry as the honeymoon phase even after 20-30-40 years, but without any of the negative emotions like anxiety or nervousness. That was contrary to the general wisdom that new love is exciting (good and bad) and marriage is stable and a bit boring.
The first two years are bumpy as you're learning to live with each other, learning to compromise and adjust, etc.
It's my belief though, that as people grow and mature, their needs and wants change too. It's like the peaks and valleys analogy. There will be ups and downs, so you need to adjust your pace to match those. Certain experiences like birth of children, death of parents, financial difficulties etc all impact the way a couple of relate. It's how you cope with those changes that is the key.
I like Ghost's points because I feel like in desi marriages, there isn't much of a concept of "couple time" or an emphasis on the husband and wife's relationship separate from the kids, parents inlaws etc. When my twins turned 1 and eldest turned 3, my husband and I were on the verge of losing our minds lol, so he planned a week long get away abroad, just the two of us. My Ammi and sister graciously offered to stay with the kids, yet I caught so much slack from extended family and inlaws haawwww haaaiiing about how could we even think about taking time for ourselves with such young kids. Well I say it's that ability to make each other a priority that got us through my darkest times when I lost both my parents to cancer within the same month. It changed my marriage completely and I was not an easy person to be around. That was around our 10th year of marriage and we definitely hit a rough patch, but now, 5 years later, we're stronger than ever before.
I am a firm believer in alone time, one on one time, date nights etc for husbands and wives. It can't all be about the kids, parents, work etc all the time.
Marriage is not a smooth ride at all. Very well pointed out in the above posts.
It depends on what the couple wants from one another and do they want to remain together for the rest of their lives.
You do hit those ruts, and you have to be aware you have hit those dips. Now whether you want to remain in that rut or get out of it is up to you.
As mentioned by KC, I too am a believer in alone time. My Dh and I spend a decent amount of time together, and I cherish my alone time with DH. Over the years our interests have changed considerably. He does his things, I do mine. We do things together. Having spent the past 20+ plus years and our youth together, and it would be great to spend the rest our lives together too.
He puts up with my ridiculous habits and I in turn put with his. Often I tease him, that if this is what we have to face in our later years , Allah have mercy on us. OMG, we are growing old, and sometimes we 'ACT' old. My In laws often mention, you both spend too much time together. My DH says, well we started together as two and when the children move out, marry etc, choose their own paths, it will be just the two of us again.
The first two years are bumpy as you're learning to live with each other, learning to compromise and adjust, etc.
It's my belief though, that as people grow and mature, their needs and wants change too. It's like the peaks and valleys analogy. There will be ups and downs, so you need to adjust your pace to match those. Certain experiences like birth of children, death of parents, financial difficulties etc all impact the way a couple of relate. It's how you cope with those changes that is the key.
I like Ghost's points because I feel like in desi marriages, there isn't much of a concept of "couple time" or an emphasis on the husband and wife's relationship separate from the kids, parents inlaws etc. When my twins turned 1 and eldest turned 3, my husband and I were on the verge of losing our minds lol, so he planned a week long get away abroad, just the two of us. My Ammi and sister graciously offered to stay with the kids, yet I caught so much slack from extended family and inlaws haawwww haaaiiing about how could we even think about taking time for ourselves with such young kids. Well I say it's that ability to make each other a priority that got us through my darkest times when I lost both my parents to cancer within the same month. It changed my marriage completely and I was not an easy person to be around. That was around our 10th year of marriage and we definitely hit a rough patch, but now, 5 years later, we're stronger than ever before.
I am a firm believer in alone time, one on one time, date nights etc for husbands and wives. It can't all be about the kids, parents, work etc all the time.
and that is why I don't have kids. I am already pretty difficult to deal with.
I am sorry to hear about your parents. That must have been extremely hard on you.
Sounds like friendship is the key. Keep the friendship alive.
I dont know, how I feel about this whole "friendship" thing in marriage, does it really exist? I feel it becomes more of a responsibility to look after each other .
I think its the marriage that has a tendency to become monotonous. Intimacy demands comfort and most couples tend to become comfortable with each other's presence but marriage as a whole can stall quite a bit.
for me things gets difficult after kids. may be after first kid. first year is all about enjoyment and then reality hits you. but then again its just my point of view. if I talk about myself our first 2 years passed so quickly but after birth of our baby we started having issues especially the first year of baby. after tht we started learning how to cope wth our differences n still doing.
I think its the marriage that has a tendency to become monotonous. Intimacy demands comfort and most couples tend to become comfortable with each other's presence but marriage as a whole can stall quite a bit.
And that is exactly why people give up and call it quits. There is so much more out there. It is easy to throw in the towel and go look for someone else.
I dont know, how I feel about this whole "friendship" thing in marriage, does it really exist? I feel it becomes more of a responsibility to look after each other .
I feel that's when the problems start...when the partnership is viewed simply as a responsibility that needs to be upheld. Resentments start breeding.