“That’s My Mistress”
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you
sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in
Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the
woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there?
Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
“Titanic”
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in
order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of
the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie
about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just
seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You
may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."