I know this is a very repeatitive and boring topic to some but some maybe in the same dilemma therefore i decided to post since i am in need of some sincere advice–and please this is a serious matter so i am not interested in immature hate type replies–if you are bothered by this topic then simply don’t answer–you have to realize that someone (i ) is in a stressful situation please respect that.
Re: the Inlaws
Your husband shiould really be the one stepping up to the plate & talking to them how the situation is uncomfortable. If you are the one talking, it'll just come back to bite you and you'll be made out to be the bad guy. In any case, if you do end up doing the talking, make sure hubby is present so they can't take any of your words & misconstrue them. Know what I mean....don't let it turn into a he said/she said deal.....
Re: the Inlaws
Your husband does have a point;
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"there is no point in talking since they don't want to understand so instead of talking and resolving nothing and at the end of the day they still will be here"
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If they move out of your place, where would they stay? If you can find or arrange it for them than trasition can become. I don't know clearly why they are staying with you. Is it because they can't move or don't want to move?
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it was only for few hours this post
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just put urself in ur husband's position..what if ur parents were staying with you guys and doing the same thing..would u think abt 'kicking' them out..
i think its just sad when bahoos talk abt their in laws like tht..just think of them as your parents and perhaps if ur mother in law is doing something u dont like then just talk to her abt the issue like u would with ur mother. i am sure she'll understand. whats wrong with her trying to be friends with ur friends..maybe shez trying to be friends with you that way. if u try to be more nice and understanding towards her maybe she will do the same. just treat her how u would want ur bahoo to treat you when ur old i am sure tht will change ur whole view abt her being as a burden on u..I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FINE AND YOU DONT MAKE THEM MOVE OUT
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sorry have to delete it.....
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What you're talking about is one of the hugest differences between Eastern and Western houses - I mean the house itself. In Pak, most of the houses where there is extended family are designed for just that. The bedrooms each have their own bathroom and many even have a sitting room so that friends can come visit privately.
In the west, theres one (maybe 2) toilets for the entire house and usually just one room appropriate to entertain guests.
I mentioned a study quite a while back - the divorce rate in US is higher in households which have only one toilet. Funny in a way but also understandable.
More later, I feel for you WJ but am not quite sure yet what I want to say that might be of help.
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It looks like their "rotation" intention between the son's is going to be a long term arrangement..........so the only option for you is to TALK TALK TALK TALK...not just you/hubby and them, but also the other sons...and come to some sort of arrangement whereby their stays with you are scheduled and that they understand that whilst you don't mind them staying, they need to build their lives around you..................
Good luck...I know it's easy for us to give advice.....at the end of the day...you're the one in the predicament.
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i am not married yet so i guess i cant fully understand ur problem..
my previous entry was based on how i would want my bhabhis and bhais to treat my parents
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yaar i understand you are in a very difficult position right now...you know saas-bahu conflicts have like no solutions....liken you should talk with your husband and let him know how hard it is for you to live in you own house. They're his parents and he should be the one talking to them, if you will talk, it will make everything more complicated for you.
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Only your husband can and should help you in this situation. pressurize him till he tilts. Tell him everything you said in the posts above and ask him to relay it to the MIL. He has to put a stop to it.
Re: the Inlaws
WJ, I feel for you. This is such a difficult position for both you and your husband to be in. Ideally, your husband and his brothers need to reach an understanding, and then have a joint discussion with his parents. Is your husband willing to set any ground rules for how the household will be run.
Can you afford to hire someone to come in and clean the house once a week or every other week, just to do the heavier cleaning? What about using a laundry service for the sheets, towels, etc. Do they have a TV in their room? Either get them a tv or put one in your room, and leave when you need a break. When my in-laws were living with me I occasionally needed a break, so I would go to my room and watch television or leave the house for awhile. It may have been culturally insulting, but it certainly saved my sanity on more than one occasion.
The time has come and gone for your in-laws to be treated as guests. They need to pitch in and help out with the housework. This isn't Pakistan where you have servants to lighten the load. They are apparently in good health, so there is nothing wrong with letting them pick up some of the slack. I wish I had some better tips from you.
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I know how you feel!! My in laws visist from time to time and one day want to come and live here forever!! When they come, they are just like yours, wasteful and messy and awful and all the while implying in some way that the DIL is at fault. The only way for you is to take up the library offer. That's what my friend did. Thoughs he left her kids at daycare not with her MIL. I don't know if you can do that but even if her child rearing methods are different, just go ahead. Once they see that no one is at home they will take turns at living at the others sons's homes too!! As for talking to your husband, I know he will probably not do a thing as that's how most desi husbands are. The onlt thing that he might do is talking to his brothers that they should also offer hosptality to their parents. At least you are lucky that you have your BIL"s here. We have no one here, so when teh in laws come, it shall be bad for me.
Once you have a job (I assume you want to work as you are taking some kind of professional exam), you shall be out of the hosue anyways.
And yes, I do agree with mama of 3, the way the houses are built here and and in Pakistan also contributes so much to the lack of privacy!!! Think of the DILs in Pakistan. They do try to fight their own battles (not literal fighting, but you know what I mean) without mostly no support from their husbands. I know its so hard, and believe me I understand and sympthasize with you.
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and now i thought ok they will leave i will have peace of mind but my MIL just told me oh now you can drop kids go library and i will do everything--yup sounds like you can't beat that deal but if you are in the same situation you will know that what that means......
Yeah I know xactly what you mean, but you know what, why don't you take her up on her offer? I hate when ppl pull that passive-aggressive bullsh*t... if she says she'll watch the kids and the house while u study, why dont u just take her up on the offer? the best way for them to stop this PA nonsense is to just act blunt w/ them.
2 Likes
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y do inlaws sound like a pain yaaaaaaaar:(
unse to shaadi nai hotey:rotato:
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y do inlaws sound like a pain yaaaaaaaar:(
^^because they are someone else's parents dear not your own..... :)
Thread starter....:
I can feel your anguish.....Apparently i dont have any suggestion for you.
But
Dont be upset with your husband his hands are tied...i dont blame him for not talking to his parents, ........if you piss him off u probably will lose your only support.
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they are not pain…its just hard to change your lifestyle for anyone…this goes for both inlaws and DILs…inlaws think that they have right on their son and the DIL should be the one compromising…on the other hand DIL is like i left my whole family for my husband, he should be there for her always and her inlaws should understand that a couple needs their privacy…BUT ofcourse MIL and DIL can never get along…people who tell me k their MIL is their best friend is hard to beleive
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my wife didnt have any problem specially on house keeping issue as my mum herself is very active and keep herself busy by doing whatever she can to keep house tidy wether there is a DIL or no DIL in the house. initial phase did take some time for both to understand each others habits. whenever my mum and dad come here to stay with us here in UK there is no too much fuss about it.
Re: the Inlaws
white jasmine,
stay put where you are. engage your inlaws in an attitude beyond themselves.
you husband and you will have countless talks on this , until you are both tired and then you will see that there are answers to the question you asked, without you leaving your place in the house where inlaws, you and your husband are staying for now.
privacy is always an issue even with a room mate. but the context is different.
when in laws mistreat, men as son in law and women as daughter in law, ought to take that effectively and not spite back.
when you have positive thinking, things do happen the way you would sincerely want them to be.
have faith in Almighty, be nice to the in laws. treat them well. and you will be able to infuse their spirit of being kindlier to you in return.
your distress and your sense of frustration is valid.
but you should not extend it to a level, where you prematurely begin to doubt and mistrust your inlaws.
they know they are wrong, for the fun of hurting you, even.
but it is all up to you, how well you handle them with genuine respect and see, just watch what happens - you will fail their nastiness at itself.
you need to change yourself first, to bring in them and their way of being with you.
make a contract, of what they want and what you want.
back biting, setting up and actuall physical or psychological torture no one should ever have to tolerate and be clear on this to them.
any guilt trip to your parents or yourself, or your husband, given by your inlaws, is a mere reflection of their own insecurity with your presence.
so, you let it be. let them be themselves and dont react.
as much as you feel like exposing their selves to themselves, keep your self from doing so.
and even if you leave the household, do so in good terms with a proper good bye and after letting them know, why as a couple you and your husband cannot stay with them.
they know that they will have to give up on their son or you.
confused and imposing in laws want to have it both ways, they thrive on double standards of their own and of other people.
dont feed them with that. please dont forget your husband in all this.
he better not forget you, as well.
all the best,
Dushwari