^ hehe awww poor girl and guy... did they get married? sounds cute :)
Nadia.... God help my family and the guy if im myself... i'll try to be as normal as possible, but hmmmm i think i may scare people off
i don't think anyone of you would prefer to go out with a guy / girl without seeing them first. this is exactly what this tea-serving-ceremony is all about. yeah its mostly arranged bcos of parents but what is so wrong about it? and also its not only the girl who had to get involved, guys too have to be there you know. no parents would give away their daughters without seeing and knowing the guy. the ball swings both ways. i for one like these traditions. no matter how stupid / idiotic they may sound / or look, these are still our traditions and must be kept alive for and by those who live there. :)
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Originally posted by sadzzz: *
**did they get married? sounds cute *
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No, actually that rishta didn't work out between them both.
Maybe that was for the best, only Allah knows.
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*Nadia.... God help my family and the guy if im myself... i'll try to be as normal as possible, but hmmmm i think i may scare people off
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*
aw don't talk like that, Sadzzz. Reminds me of that saying, i would rather be hated for who i am, than loved for who i am not. If you are yourself, why wouldn't they like you. i'm sure you are respectful, polite, and you sound pretty shy :) There's no way on earth you could scare anyone off.
Just be yourself and if it works out - great. If not, then it wasn't meant to be and thank Allah for the wisdom gained from the experience and move on. (heh i know this is all easier said than done, and i shouldn't talk; just trying to help you out). You can't go wrong, trust me, if you are who you are... strive to do your best, and have faith in the One above:~) i'm sure it will all work out Insha'Allah.
BTW if you don't mind my asking....when are you leaving for Pakistan?
well hmcq you can guess 'what never happened' since im still single. i met him again only coz my parents forced me to. it was wierd and awkward coz i knew i didnt want to marry him. i dont wish to go through that again.
thanx Nadia 
im going on hmmm 21st December for about 4 weeks… so u wont be hearing from me for about a month or so… 
**
aw 
Who am i going to chat with in the threads, late at night? 
Before you leave, remind me to give you my e-mail addy… i would like to stay in touch.
And don’t worry, Sadzzz. i’m sure you’ll knock everyone dead with your amazing personality Masha’Allah;~D Just be yourself, you can’t go wrong with that. And btw if you’re feeling super nervous - tell yourself that’s natural too. i don’t know any gal who wouldn’t be feeling nervous in your shoes. But when push comes to shove, you’ll handle everything just fine. i know it. 
Just believe in yerself.
thanx heaps nadia… i dunno i dont have that much confidence in myself… i know i should… lekin kya karoon, pakistan is a very different story.. wahan ka kuch patha nahin chaltha ke laug kya soch rahe hain… its a totally different mind game there.. and im sooo not good with those
i just plan to have a good time Inshallah
and hey i’ll pm u my email address… u can have it now girl
**
@ “mind game”… hmmm. Mind games har jaga hotay hain. i used to live in this really close, tight Pakistani community five years ago (before my family and i moved to a different Canadian province). There was SO much community/family ‘politics’ 24/7, if you know what i mean. My eldest sister had her marriage arranged with the son of a family who had been there for years, known by the whole community, he was considered a very eligible bachelor in a community where (at that time) the population of single, male Muslim Pakistanis was extremely limited; when their rishta was officially announced, things just blew up. They use that cliche, ‘it spread like wildfire’. i understood that expression so well, after going through that experience. Anyways eik baat hai, Sadzzz. You cannot please everyone @ the same time. If you do something that pleases your parents, it may affect someone else dear to you in adverse manner and vice versa. Take it from someone who’s failed miserably at pleasing everyone. i like your statement, “i just plan to have a good time Inshallah”. Good for you for saying that :k: When you go to Pakistan this December, eik niyat zaroor saath lai jana apnay saath…that you just hope the best happens, come what may. You have a wonderful personality, any guy should be lucky to have you 
Baqi sab, after you have tried your best, leave it upto Allah. He is the best match maker and planner, afterall:)
Sorry for blabbing on:o i just remembered i gotta do something, so i have to jet but i just wanted to say all that. i’ll pm you my e-mail addy sometime soon Insha’Allah. And fikar not - jab December mai jao gi, tum apnay sab Guppy friends kai duaaein saath lai kar jao gi. And you know, duas are very powerful.
Ttyl & Take care,
nadia
hey nadia… i just wanted to quickly thank u before u left… I wont hold u… i’ll Inshallah talk to u really soon… thanx heaps and heaps 
p.s dont u love it the way u and I always start having our own conversation in someone elses thread??
waqas is going to kill me… again 
Sorry, Sadzzz. i didn’t read this until this morning:( i am really sorry, i had to leave. Sorry, i hope you didn’t mind. Sorry.
yeah… we do that, don’t we? Sometimes it’s in the Religion Forum, and sometimes in this one. i was thinking of that too. i’ve noticed we tend to do that when - the discussions become something that one could relate to personally on a personal scale. And it’s something i feel i can contribute constructively in b/c i am speaking from ‘personal experience’.
oh well. Don’t worry, i’m sure Waqas won’t mind hopefully.
You women think that you have it tough? I have made and served tea, and have even cleaned up afterwards to larki's parents. Heck I've even friggin' cooked and served biryani once to her parents. Beat that.
^ you must have really wanted to please the gal and her parents. So what happened?
Oki let me tell you i hate the Stares. You know how the mom’s of guys look at you from feet to head, staring. Trying to judge how you, eat, talk, behave and if possible they would even ask you to open your mouth so that they can check your teeth 
The funny thing is sometimes those aunties keep on talking about how difficult it is for a girl and what happened when it was their daughter’s turn. Heck why put someone else through the same misery then?
Honestly I am a very reserved kinda person, I don’t talk much specially with ppl i meet first time. So its so difficult to just sit there and try to ignore those stares. One thing I always do is drop the fork while serving or a spoon I don’t care but it just happens.
Its not about embarrasment or anything I think what makes anyone uncomfortable is the fact ppl are trying to judge you. Its true I don’t care much as in to what they think of me but what right do they have to do it?
First they call and ask aap ki beeti kiya kurti hey, kahan sey parhi hey, kitney saal ki hey, kitni lambi hey, some don’t even hesitate from asking piyari hey key nahi (yea indirectly but I remember someone once called and told my mom key meeri beeti pyari nahi hey iss liey mujhey patta hey how it feels just what kinda ppl say that abt their daughters? )
Then when they come they ask all the thing again, some of them don’t even hesitate from asking aap ka makan kitney ka ho ga. Hell Man you wanna know ask some property dealer in the area 
I just simply dunno what is wrong with these people. I don’t mind going through the humilation because thats the only way anyone can get to know me. But the problem is when people act that way I sure feel like running out of the room or breaking their heads 
^ aaagh! man these aunties can be be... aaagh! ur so rite about all that... and yes.. how can any mum in her straight mind say that her daughter is not pyaari.. every girl is pyaari... theres no question about that... gosh that sucks u know...
im not the reserved kind.. i usually talk to people i dont know but have a hard time talking to people ive known for yaers.... its silly i know..
u know its not just those aunties who have potential sons... but aunties with no interest in u at all will still stare and pick on things...
i was at this big dawat once and all the girls were sitting on their lazy butts not helping out.. so me being the loser i am helped out my friend who was in the kitchen... i remember i had to carry this big tray and pick up about 100 tea cups from teh ladies section... and all these ladies whose daughters werent doing nething sat around and stared at me... watching to see when id make a mistake... and one aunty made a comment about how i need practise at picknig things up... and i was sooo ready to say.. "well maybe ur daughter whose been a waitress should be down here doing this..."
serious.. the nerve of some ladies is just beyond comprehension... why do the say things that in the end just make them looking like clowns?
another lady... who my mama talks to now and then.. always likes to state how well her kids are doing... shes always quoting her daughters pay which is nothing close to what it is... and u think... why? why do it for.. when we all know what it really is... i honestly feel sorry for them.. and their kids
i found these two parts so funny.
Sadly though, there’s a trend in the last two posts. Noticed that it’s the mothers themselves who are continuing this practice? When their marriages were being arranged, didn’t they themselves have to go through the torture tea ceremony? Why put up another girl through that? That’s why i LOVE my eldest sister’s mother-in-law. Right off the bat, as soon as she arrived in Canada and met my sister for the first time, she told her, “Beti mujhe apni saas mat samjho. Mujhe dost ki tarha samjho.” She made her feel so comfortable etc etc. First time i met her, i was left amazed, that individuals like her actually do exist in this world.
Anyways, interesting thread. i hope, if we ourselves are mothers one day - we would be more considerate of others’ feelings. At least it should stop with this generation.
Last vacation when I was home my ammi told me that we have to visit a few people. Knowing what she had planned I said, "Ammi I am totally against this chai parade and checking out the girl like this and I refuse to go". To this she said, "Beta yeh aap kay liye nahi balkay laRki waly aap ko dekhna chahtay haiN, aur tehzeeb yeh hay kay aap unkay ghar jao, na kay woh dekhnay idhar aaeiN"
Needless to say, i did not go. The pressure to perform was just too much :D .
aww thaz cute hehe
The question is how to overcome this stupid ceremoney/social structure and get the job done. The answer is pretty simple. You either conform or confront.
Conform: If supposedly ‘shareef’ girls don’t mind parading in front of every other family because that is how they believe they will find a soul mate then guys should give this tea ceremony a chance too...no matter how humiliating, agonizing and stupid the whole concept is. For this to work, you should be absolutely sure about your priorities. Guys should know what they are looking for and they should be on the same page as their parents or vice versa. There is no room for window shopping or else it is frustrating and torturous for everyone involved. Girls should definitely talk to the guy when he visits. They should create an environment that gives them a chance to talk one on one. Sitting on a sofa three miles away from the candidate is not going to help anyone.
Confront: I think girls should stand up for their better future. They are the ones who can bring a change to the current set up. I have met and seen decent girls who are broadminded enough to talk to guys on this topic and pursue relationships maturely. There are no rejections or acceptances…u meet people..u discuss ur goals and priorities…sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t. .. however I feel desi girls are very far off from this mind set...they love u or they hate u :-D...very few would take it on their own and help themselves and their parents out.
Desies like to gossip, heck they gossip even on internet…look around :-D ..Most of the time girls are very conscious about their ‘reputation’..so getting to know someone in a desi environment is not only a challenge but quite an annoying experience.
oh well, If I ever have a daughter I won’t put her though this garbage.:-)
^Shouldn’t we start with if you ever get married 
kaab se sera gupshup ko ladoon ka intezaar hai aap se
I'm completely against this whole concept. My parents and I are in agreement that if a potential rishta wants to meet me, it will be done in a neutral location (i.e. coffee house) where we can meet each other, talk to each other without parents looking over us which adds additional, and unnecessary pressure. If we get along, then the parents will meet and we would take it from there.
In fact, quite a few people are doing this nowadays. Most parents nowadays (including the guys' parents ... at least the ones I have come across) have no problem with this either.
I do know of one scenario ... of a family friend's son .... the girl's family suggested to the guy's parents (family friend) that the two kids meet each other for coffee rather than having the guy and his entire khandaan show up at her house. His father flatly refused saying that if he allows the girl and guy to meet in private, then he will "lose control" of the situation and the girl will "trap" the guy and "gain control". It was so dumb. Needless to say, the two didn't meet. The guy eventually moved to the States and married a white girl .... without telling his parents or inviting them to the wedding! So much for his father and "control". :D