My little daughter was sharing the story of one of her classmates who is terribly upset over his parents divorce.
He hates his dad’s new girlfriend and hope he never marries her.
Growing up, I remember visualizing what it would be like if someone else took the place of my mother. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. And those thoughts came in after watching movies or Disney shows where every princess has a wicked stepmother. Think of real life situations such as the little boy above who cannot focus on his life because he hates it when he sees his dad with another woman. He cannot forget the fiery exchange of words between his parents prior to the divorce.
What I want to know is that do extreme anger emotions cause you to become so selfish that you cannot try to learn how to get along once again? I’m not talking about the cases of domestic abuse and such, but issues that can be handled by counseling or help from others…or just by making the decision to be in control of yourself.
Once you truly start despising or hating your spouse there is no such thing as counseling or help from others that can turn you back. I think its one of the most strongest yet weakest relationship ever. When you love each other, every ugly thing is beautiful, but when you truly start disliking each other than its hard to even stand the sight of the opposing person.
I don't think its selfish to wanna marry another person or leave the person you are currently with. You just have to be very smart about it & do it in a way where you can be happy but not ruin your children's lives.
Its not just children that get affected by it but even adults have a hard time digesting the fact that their parents won't be together anymore. As human beings we are just wired to have that happy family image where all parents live together under one roof & are always there for their children. But fact of the matter is there are times when two people can't live together anymore & instead of living together & increasing those feelings of resentment for your spouse & your kids in some cases (because kids are the reason you are still sticking together) its better to part ways.
Parents just have to make sure that they are still connected with the kids & they don't argue or start talking about each other's dirty laundry in front of the kids or talk bad about the opposing person if alone with the child. Its very important for a person's psychological development that they are proud of their fathers and mothers in general. This is what gives them self confidence & an indivudual identity.
In the above case you mentioned if the father can see that his child is getting upset seeing him with another woman, he should just avoid bringing her in front of him. Its making sure that the child understands that although the parents are not husband wife anymore they'll always remain parents to the kids.
When I first read the title of your thread my initial response was "bad, bad and bad"
Its no wonder that divorce is considered the most cursed act in Islam.
^ i agree. i wouldn't necessarily blame divorce, because once you've decided and reached that threshold then i think it can be worse for your kids to witness the hidden hostility- kids aren't stupid, they know when something isn't right and for them to feel uneasy would lead to more insecurity and issues, i would think. and of course, its also really bad for you as a person to be in that situation.
in your example, i fully blame the parents for handling it as poorly as they have such that their little boy is feeling the way he is. poor guy!
But don’t you think that the parents should reconsider? How can you hate the very spouse you had children with so much that you can’t stand them anymore?
:hinna:
I know life is cruel…I know. But the poor children.
^ like Bint said, once you cross the threshold, it can be hard to forgive and move on. you mentioned abuse and that is an extreme, and justifiable, example of getting a divorce, but what if either parent is cheating on the other? that can be a very hard thing to forgive. and staying in a relationship for your children's sake only lasts so long... sooner or later, you'll want to separate. so what's better, doing it with compassion towards your children when they're younger, or waiting until they're in their more turbulent teens, or as adults when they might have a hard time forgiving you? there's really no "right" time...
i disagree with couples who divorce each other over habits like he won't pick up his socks or she refuses to make dinner- i think those situations are worth reconsidering- but if your hubby every came home, God forbid, and confessed to an affair, or said he'd fallen in love with someone else- i don't think its something you can reconsider, even for the sake of your kids.
Niksik just because you had children with someone doesn't means you'll love them all your life & yes I know people who despite having 20+ years of marriage can't stand their spouse anymore.
Whether its a child or an adult its a tough thing to go through & there is no doubt about it.
I think it has more to do with how parents handle the whole divorce situation than why or when they get divorced.
Once you truly start despising or hating your spouse there is no such thing as counseling or help from others that can turn you back.
I totally disagree. If the willingness of turning things around is there, there is always a hope (unless lack of moral character or physical abuse is the reason of the negative feelings).
Well..coming from a divorced family myself...I can totally understand what the kid is going through. It is not at all pleasant...and children NEVER forget what happened or what they went through because of a divorce. And it really does affect everything the child does, studies, self-confidence...and they also harden themselves to feelings....specially towards their parents. Custody battles are the worst..specially when they drag the child in the middle of it and ask the child to choose one of them!
Sometimes I am still a bit jumpy when I hear couples shouting..or arguing...or even adults talking in a loud tone.
I feel..if parents can't really stand each other anymore...they should really get a divorce, but NEVER drag your kids in the middle of your mistakes! They should not drag on their fights for years...and yearssssssss....it is unhealthy for everyone in the family.
But it is also better that the parents get divorced earlier
I totally disagree. If the willingness of turning things around is there, there is always a hope (unless lack of moral character or physical abuse is the reason of the negative feelings).
Bhai trust me I have been there. Not me personally but as I said I have been there. Just writing about this whole divorce issue is making me all shaky but I do know there is no turning back. It doesn't always have to be lack of moral character or abuse. This relationship is the most strongest yet the most weakest relationship.
Why would you turn things around? For your kids? Its better to just do it as Aaliyah said than leave them hanging & dragging all the "larai jhagra" & making the home environment even worse.
When you have kids with someone you just don't decide to separate all of a sudden or divorce each other. There has to be some some solid grounds for making you take this route. We are talking about divorce here not some petty little argument where you make up & forget about what happened.
When you come to a point where you want to divorce your spouse that means a lot of things have been spewing inside you. THAT hatred or resentment is worse & totally unhealthy for the whole family than just being separated.
As I said earlier there is a proper way of doing it.
Its easier for couples like us to talk because we are Alhumdulillah very very very happy in our marital relationship but talk to someone who is going through it.
That child will one day InshaAllah cope with it & learn from his parents mistake & hopefully provide a better life to his own children but the emotional scar it will leave on the parents is something they'll always live with.
I know couple of different people where they stayed together for the 'sake" of their kids. Fighting & arguing everyday & then after many years decided to divorce each other. First you as a person are not happy, you obviously can't handle things right because of that constant nagging going on for so many years & then you decide to divorce thinking oh kids are older now they'll understand. I think that's worse.
No one in their right mind wants to screw their own family (mind my language) & start his/her life all over again where they are not even certain whether this time things would turn out right or not.
So what's the lesser evil here? Divorcing when the kid is too young to understand (like baby/toddler age) and are thus "used" to their life, when they're old enough to understand but not realy (schoolage) or preteens/teens/adulthood?
Divorce is an ugly ugly thing and I sincerely pray that nobody ever has to go through it...ever.
Well..coming from a divorced family myself...I can totally understand what the kid is going through. It is not at all pleasant...and children NEVER forget what happened or what they went through because of a divorce. And it really does affect everything the child does, studies, self-confidence...and they also harden themselves to feelings....specially towards their parents. Custody battles are the worst..specially when they drag the child in the middle of it and ask the child to choose one of them!
Sometimes I am still a bit jumpy when I hear couples shouting..or arguing...or even adults talking in a loud tone.
I feel..if parents can't really stand each other anymore...they should really get a divorce, but NEVER drag your kids in the middle of your mistakes! They should not drag on their fights for years...and yearssssssss....it is unhealthy for everyone in the family.
But it is also better that the parents get divorced earlier
I totally agree with you and Binte..
I believe once the couple has figured out that they absolutely cannot be with each other they should get out of marriage as quickly as possible without creating too much drama WHETHER or not there are children involved. Watching parents fight for years and years is so much more damaging and heartbreaking than the divorce itself. I don't believe in staying married for sake of children, that's just not right and who knows the couple won't break off their relationship later in life when their kids are all grown up. Adults don't take parents' divorce easier than younger children do!
But children living in households with ‘bad’ marriages are poorer.
And yes, you can hate the spouse. And it’s not always ‘wrong’ to feel such hate depending on how you’ve been hurt in the relationship. Like Bint said, it’s the strongest yet the weakest link.
Im not experienced in the matter of children so Im just giving my two cents here.
Divorce is ugly...always...its never pretty and never will be. A family breaking up is the saddest thing.
I think what makes it horrible for children is when parents involve their kids in their personal battles. The hurt over not having a connected family is bad enough...but they fight, argue and abuse each other in front of their kids. That makes it 10000000X worse because they have enough to deal with when there is a divorce - period. I deal with divorced women from time to time...Im no expert but I watch, observe and talk to them a lot. The ones who keep their children far away from conflict and do their best to maintain a friendly environment around their kids are doing okay. The families that get dragged into courtroom drama, dirt, abuse and whatnot...are the ones that suffer the most.
I know (apart from my own) one case of someone very close to me who is from a broken family. The reason was the the father did 2nd marriage for settling abroad and left his wife and children here in Pakistan. The eldest kid was in class 4 or 5 at that time the mother had to take up a job to support her children what happened then was girls grew up to be fine but the boy was not. The boy later on got married and ended up abandoning his children he did not have the ability to feel for anyone. The girls are happily married and settled. Reasons for divorce vary but as a parent I think that your should give your best and try every bit possible to save your marriage. But if the marriage is dysfunctional to the extent that parents stops caring about the interest of children then it's better to let go and let the children be with the parent who really cares and this does not always mean "mother". I know a case where mother did 2nd marriage and left her kids and the father raised them and never married again.
The decision to stay married or get divorced should be made keeping in mind interest of children and that should be the top most priority.
I agree with Bint, its very easy for people who are happy in marraiges to criticise those who make the decision to divorce esp when kids are involved, i have heard countless times, as "oh they should stay together until the kids are older" or "why have kids in the first place if your going to divorce". Nobody goes out to get married, have kids and then divorce, is it easier to live with someone you don't love? you don't want to be around but you do it just for the sake of the children?
All children want to be around thier parents, I was very fortunate to have parents that actually had a love marraige, and they lead an extremely content and happy life MA, even today, but I did witness some cousins, who got married, had kids, but just "drag" the marriage along.
He clearly does not love her, but because of the kids is still there, she is a tired soul that just follows him around like a lost puppy! its so sad.
so a bad marriage is worse for kids compared to not having both parents??
my dad stayed abroad when i was 5....and i went nuts.... i can't imagine what those kids will feel who know that one of their parents is not there........
how is it worse having both parents(provided they don't drag kids into their arguments too much) compared to only one parent??
so a bad marriage is worse for kids compared to not having both parents??
my dad stayed abroad when i was 5....and i went nuts.... i can't imagine what those kids will feel who know that one of their parents is not there........
**
how is it worse having both parents(provided they don't drag kids into their arguments too much) compared to only one parent??**
If one of those parents is abusive and mean.
Some people are no more than just sperm donors/giving birth but not really *parents. *
I know (apart from my own) one case of someone very close to me who is from a broken family. The reason was the the father did 2nd marriage for settling abroad and left his wife and children here in Pakistan. The eldest kid was in class 4 or 5 at that time the mother had to take up a job to support her children what happened then was girls grew up to be fine but the boy was not. The boy later on got married and ended up abandoning his children he did not have the ability to feel for anyone. The girls are happily married and settled. Reasons for divorce vary but as a parent I think that your should give your best and try every bit possible to save your marriage. But if the marriage is dysfunctional to the extent that parents stops caring about the interest of children then it's better to let go and let the children be with the parent who really cares and this does not always mean "mother". I know a case where mother did 2nd marriage and left her kids and the father raised them and never married again. The decision to stay married or get divorced should be made keeping in mind interest of children and that should be the top most priority.
I can't seem to higlight text but the but regarding the bit I have put asterisks around I know it's not a 'fix' but perhaps things would have been different if the mother had remarried so the son had grown up with a father figure in his life?? You often hear of this sort of behaviour from boys who didn't have a male role-model or guide growing up.. A couple of my cousins have a step-dad and they love him to bits now, the younger one begged his mum not to remarry before he had met the guy (he was only 8) and used to say 'I don't want another dad who will make u cry' :( but now both sons openly say they're glad their mum remarried, that she has someone to love her, they can live as a family again (he also has one son, so now there are three kids) and that as they get older and leave home for uni/work/maybe marriage she won't get lonely or be left alone..
the boy is now over 50 years old so you can imagine how long ago this must have happened and how difficult it must be at that time to marry again :( anyway she is no longer alive now .
so a bad marriage is worse for kids compared to not having both parents??
my dad stayed abroad when i was 5....and i went nuts.... i can't imagine what those kids will feel who know that one of their parents is not there........
how is it worse having both parents(provided they don't drag kids into their arguments too much) compared to only one parent??
If parents dont drag their kids into their arguments, its not a bad thing at all...its a good thing. Having one good parent versus two bad ones who set bad examples may not be a bad thing. At the end of the day though, you cannot compare because each situation is so different and unique...these things cannot be generalized or shoved into a category.
