The Difference of Values

Lifestyle Relationships
1

:hmmm:

How would things go if you and your partner had a difference of values and you were already married to them?

Like he/she would eat outside meat and you wouldnt.

He/she found it acceptable to wear sleeveless or capris and you didnt.

You get my drift here…

Would any of you be willing to be the more open minded party? Like stop wearing hijab or start eating non-zabiha?

2

Re: The Difference of Values

Just because the spouse has different values does not mean you have to accept it and start acting out or changing yourself because of those values. My husband chooses to eat haram but I don't and I stick to my values. He never forces me to eat haram and says its up to me but he prefers I stick to my values. He also said he wouldn't mind me wearing capris but I told him I would never and he is okay with that. All in all he is a good guy and at least does not drink or party or eat pork. The small things about him I can accept such as eating haram. But thats all. If he were to tell me he was going out to a strip club I'd kick him out..lol..he never would. he hates going out. But I must admit I dress myself more to his taste and he has started dressing better for me too. He expressed a few times he likes this type of pant and this type of blouse on me and I started wearing those a lot. Nowadays I dress according to what I feel like as usual and he says nothing but once in a while I wear the type of clothes he likes. They are modest but his taste. He never forces me and I never force him but I see a change in him too. He used to love dressing so casually even when going out but now I see he dresses up more for me. Not all the time but most of the times. Those may not be value type of things but thats the only changing we have both done. I still pray 5 times a day and eat halal and dress modestly and he still misses some prayers here and there due to his hectic work schedule and continues to eat haram but thank Allah it does not go beyond that. He does not drink and never would but if he did I would leave him b/c hats how strongly I feel about that. Theres just some things that strong.

3

Re: The Difference of Values

Good Question!. Well i wouldn't marry someone with different values anyway. Wearing sleevless or hijab and other things are settled before getting married. And kind of person i am..i actually don't like surprises when someone changes all of a sudden. As far as food..halal is always be the option!. If she insisted on eating non-halal..yaa! we are going to have issues with this. And open minded party..hmm..well as long as there is no be-sharmi involve..it's all good. As long as it is decent party..i don't see any harm.

4

Re: The Difference of Values

the best way will be to be flexible for both the parties. And a sensible person would definitely understand this.

5

Re: The Difference of Values

I guess both in love marriages and arranged marriages, the guy and the girl get to know about basic values and beliefs of each through interaction before marriage. Love marriages give more chances to know each other before marriage and both can prepare themselves to adjust according to different values and beliefs of their spouses. In arranged marriages, the increased interaction on family levels enable them to know the values and thus both get an idea about how much adjustment or tolerance will be needed regarding the values. Still, when both are married, there can be varying values which they can know only after they start living with each other which most probably won't be major since the interaction before marriage allowed them to know their values. So adjusting to smaller differences is not a big deal. I plan on continuing my modest dressing (no sleeveless, no capris etc) and I hope the guy will have an idea since he would have seen me having modest dressing before marriage. I hope he won't force me to change my values since my values are part of me and if he accepts me, he is accepting my values too. Similarly, if I am saying yes to a guy for marriage, this means I am ok with his values (whatever knowledge I would have for his values at the time of marriage). After marriage, I would not interfere in his values if they are not anything major against Islam. We need to tolerate each others practices and we can try to bring a change slowly if we think there should be a change somewhere.

6

Re: The Difference of Values

I have seen divorcees because of these value differences.... and i have seen successful marriages as well. Depends how you deal with these differences. I think we should accept each other values and change ourselves for our partners (obviously in limits). I will definitely change myself if my husband likes some particular type of life style and i will like to see him according to my taste. If he is not so broadminded i will definitely try to change his thinking and change myself as well. I think we should discuss all these things before getting married. Nowadays everyone talks to his/her fiancee.... so we rather discuss these things with our life partner to be.. It will solve our most of the problems related value and life style differences.

7

Re: The Difference of Values

I would never marry someone who doesn't eat halal. I guess cuz it's something so fundamental, I just can't understand it at all.. It makes me feel uncomfortable that someone can eat meat especially, knowing that it's forbidden. And then that food without any form of blessing is within you, broken down and used to build up parts of your body.. shudder I really think 'little' things like this show a great deal about a person's spiritual state..

I would hope that the person I marry iA has a certain level of spirituality and understanding of tawakkul that wouldn't let them fall into these things. I wouldn't marry someone unless I had trust that they were up to that basic level. SO if afterwards I found out that they did do stuff like this, it would be a great shock to the system. I would definitely be upset and I would sincerely hope that they would change. That's just my personal stance on it.

8

Re: The Difference of Values

with the first guy i was married to, didn't really have many values. it sort of broke my heart that he ate haraam meat, and lots of other little things which i clearly wasn't used to. like some days in Ramadan he wouldn't even fast cuz he'd was "too tired"...i found out about bigger bad things he did, and was able to get out.

after that, i realized i could never be comfortable with someone who broke rules and was okay with it. i needed someone who strict with Islamic Values where I would be constantly reminded of my own faith, and of Allah swt and Muhammad (s), simply because that's how i was raised and was comfortable with. We found someone like that alhumdullilah..and now im happy alhumdullilah

9

Re: The Difference of Values

I agree about knowing before marriage. It is important to know the values of a person before marrying them. This is why people need to have in depth conversations with the their potential spouse before marriage in person, over the phone and through emails without parental interruptions. I knew just about everything about my husband before marriage and if I accepted it then, then I should accept it now. I can't stand women who did not know or try to change the values of their husband after marriage.

10

Re: The Difference of Values

isi liye kehte hain ke chat magni pat biyah nahi kar dena chahiye balke larka larki ko ek doosre ko samjhne ka mouqa dena chahiye taakey dono ko kam az kam ek doosre ka rehne wehne ka andaza hi ho jaye.

11

Re: The Difference of Values

If it were a question of eating halal or not, then it wouldn’t be reconcilable for me. I would not be willing to be open minded on these types of issues.

12

Re: The Difference of Values

there are few things on which compromise can be made (like one like spicy food, one like non-spicy food etc etc)
there are few things on which compromise can not be make (like one eat strictly halal , one is open to non-halal food)

13

Re: The Difference of Values

Any difference of opinion no matter how minor, causes some amount of drift. But if you look at it from totally islamic aspect, whatever does not nullify your marriage should not be a cause of major fights either.

14

Re: The Difference of Values

me and hubby have our minor differences. Hubby only eats zabiah meat and I eat meat from outside. He and I are pretty good at dressing for each other but their are certain things he does not like for me to wear and I avoid those. He is a very clean person and I tend to be a little disorganized so we struggle with this in our daily lives. The issue comes with our daughter growing up and we are having to choose which direction to raise her towards. We rely on fatwas and islamic scholars rather than our own comfort zone for that.

15

Re: The Difference of Values

These are not minor issues but if people can compromise and marry someone with different religion and live happily ever after , then I guess they can live happily ever after with opposing value sets.

16

Re: The Difference of Values

Exactly. And nor a man should try to change his woman as well. Let each partner be themselves. But yes, this is why..it is very important to get to know your potential before even committing to them.

17

Re: The Difference of Values

my philosophy of life: "what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. if i am wrong, tell me, convince me. if you are wrong, i will tell you and i will convince you. no matter how long it takes"

18

Re: The Difference of Values

and let me guess.....you're never wrong. ;)

19

Re: The Difference of Values

Good luck with that , if you start to convince just one desi it will take a whole life.

20

Re: The Difference of Values

wrong guess
and i dont want to elaborate