BREAKING NEWS…THE BIN LADEN PRETZEL TAPE
United States special forces have stumbled across yet another hastily abandoned building that housed the headquarters of the Al Qaeda International Network. Scattered all over the premises were documentsthat clearly indicated that Al Qaeda was planning more attacks around the world. Amongst the huge amount of highly incriminating evidence found was a training manual entitled “International Terrorism for Dummies”. There was also a printed map entitled “London Hop-on Hop-off” showing prominent landmarks that could possibly be terrorist targets. Scribbled at the bottom of this map were some Arabic words which have been translated by State Department officials. The translation reads : “Meet granny at Waterloo station at 11”. Security experts agree that the word waterloo means ‘a final defeat’ and could be a coded signal for terorrist action and the ‘11’ could be a reference to September 11th. The most significant find was a video tape showing Ossama Bin Laden and his colleaguesrevelling in the unfortunate encounter of President George Bush with a pretzel. Bin Laden is heard saying that they had been planning for very long to develop a pretzel that had exactly the right shape to lodge in the throat and create some discomfort. Bin Laden said (while laughing gleefully) : “We never expected the infidel Bush to faint…this was far more than we planned… we really (unintelligible) him up this time.”
Throughout the 30 minute video Bin Laden and his associates are seen grinning widely and munching pretzels close to the camera lens. In an act of defiance Bin Laden repeatedly shouts disparagingly at thecamera: “We got you Mr Pretz, we got you Mr Pretz !”
Muslim organizations in the United States immediately condemned Bin Laden’s statements saying thatIslam expressedly forbids the sending of lethal pretzels to presidents. However many extremist Muslim organizations abroad have denounced the tape as a fraud, saying that Bin Laden and his colleagues would never think of eating a pretzel because it is a snack favoured by Jews. They would have consideredthe tape to be authentic if Bin Laden and his men were seen munching on something like ‘jelebi’ – a sweet widely favoured by Afghans, Arabs and Pakistanis. But in an interview with Christiane Amanpour, Mr Peter Bergen, the fellow who became a ‘terrorist expert’ after one meeting with Bin Laden many years ago, said that while the jelebi is much larger, no one can deny that it is exactly the same shape as the pretzel.“The link is very clear”, he said. Interviewed on the Larry King Show today.
Mr Richard Butler the UN weapons’ inspector said : " While I was in Iraq I ate many suspicious looking pretzels and I am convinced that Iraq has the potential to produce a pretzel capable of inflicting massdestruction. I therefore propose that we should without delay drop at least a dozen nuclear bombs on Iraq to stifle their potential to produce such horrific weapons." It can be disclosed that President Bush in an hour long call to Prime Minister Tony Blair informed him of the seriousness of the situation. Mr Blair acted immediately and in wide ranging action went much further than the Americans. He immediatelycancelled an item on the menu for supper the same evening. It was an eastern delicacy called ‘samoosa’.
Terrorist experts concurred that the samoosa is perhaps far more dangerous than the pretzel because it has three very pointy ends that could do a great deal of damage if swallowed quickly. Scotland Yard is investigating reports that samoosas hurled from a distance could have the same destructive effect as theblade of an angle-grinder and because of its shape will, like a boomerang, return to the thrower of this weapon. At various locations throughout the country military experts have been seen flinging samoosas at cardboard targets to determine exactly how much of a danger they pose. Mr Blair has also announced that Britain has been put on a Samoosa Watch. Extra undercover policeman have been rushed to Southall, Brixton and Bradford. In a related development Mr Bush appeared on CNN earlier to ask the Pakistan leader, PervezMussharaf: “Are you for us or are you for samoosas”. However it would appear that Mr Mussharaf hadprior knowledge of the situation as hundreds of pirate copies of the Bin Laden Pretzel Tape were already in the Karachi flea-markets long before the US soldiers found the original in Afghanistan. A report that has just come in and which has yet to be confirmed states that a man was arrested on a plane in Boston for sneaking pretzels from his shoe and secretly eating them. While he was being taken away in shackles and a hood overhis head he shouted to journalists : “I’m innocent! Help me! I only did it because I hate airline food. I can’t take airline food…help meeeee !”
He was dragged away and promptly sedated for speaking such terrible lies and put on the next flight toCuba. In a White House press briefing Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld disclosed that the CIA has just received a report that Bin Laden is planning to release another video within a week. The tape iscalled “The OBL 10-days-to-a-perfect-body Exercise Workout”. Interviewed on CNN’s ‘Insight’ today Jane Fonda, known as ‘Hanoi Jane’ for her in depth knowledge of the Vietcong terrorists, said, somewhat cryptically : “Excercise is fine as longas it doesn’t lead to military excercise.”
Sources at the Pentagon disclosed that a further Bin Laden tape : “Cooking with Qaeda” is expected tobe released soon. FBI agents stationed at bazaars in Peshawar have been put on high alert.
Special Report from A.B. Dawjee