The basic cause of marital stress

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So..a theory I recently heard..

guys today are better husbands than their fathers..or the wives fathers
but the ladies are not better wives than their moms or their husbands moms.

rationale given was that guys do a lot more around the house and being sensitive and accommodating, while women, especially those who are fulltime homemakers dont run the home as well as their moms did.

and this causes stress.

what do you think? :slight_smile:

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

Could be.

Also depends on what ones standards of running a home are....

I know some women (career and stay at home ones) who are OCD about cleanliness...while others have a bit more relaxed approach

Also these days its normal to eat out every so often and lots of foods are becoming more convenient...whereas our mothers made fresh food several times a day....

these are just some issues that if both spouses aren't on the same page with can cause problems...

3

Re: The basic cause of marital stress

lol, hands you flame retardant suit

4

Re: The basic cause of marital stress

hahah, hey it was too quiet here. :)

5

Re: The basic cause of marital stress

:D

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

I think Sara and X2 has a point here....

I think its coz our moms were always trained by their moms how to do house work, how to cook and take care of their siblings...coz girls were not encouraged to work those days...

But its different now...girls are encouraged to go to Uni, have a career...and coz of this their moms do all the house work and want the kids to do well in studies as they dnt want the kids to be distracted with anything else...

Like there is HUGE HUGE difference between me and my mom...specially the cooking bit!!! I am not proud of it...

7

why is it normal? even in the case of Pakistan, it was convenient back a few decades ago too, no issue in running to the market and picking up some tikkas and nans.

so is it convenience or a change in priorities?

even on this site, I hear recently married stay at home ladies whinge about housework as if cooking something daily is some kind of oppression or bonded labour and slavery.. :)

Not being a woman i cant speak to how women see it, but I do think that as husbands, guys of this generation are much more open, sharing, sensitive, joint decisions and all compared to our fathers' generation.

8

My mom, my mil and my wife .. all are homemakers and although my mom may not had dishwasher and microwave and what not at home, she had maids who used to come and clean the house and she did not have to drive to do grocery in bulk and all that but walked to the market for daily grocery.

I think that my wife is equally busy if not more than my mom used to be. Plus technology, money and hubby's help may make chores easy for today SAHMs but responsibility of the domestic affairs is same for them. Also many last generation moms had help because of joint family systems that is not there for this generation wives.

9

o yaar i know your wife reads this and u dont want your ass kicked at home :) so its okay..

but tell me, do u think u are a better husband than the elders of your family? or will you say that you really dont think that overall men are better husbands now..better meaning more accommodating, communicating, supporting etc

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

Then why the high divorce rate....if men are more accommodating, communicative, supportive? Would that mean that the breakdown is due entirely to women being less adept or or less inclined to handle domestic chores? The dynamics of relationship are complex...it takes the efforts of two people.

11

high divorce rates could also be present because of less social stigme of divorce and financial independence.

I dont know, I asked 2 questions based on a theory i heard, agree, disagree, have a counterpoint..all is cool

is it true that overall men are more accomodating etc as hubands than their fathers' generation

and

is it true that women are not as adept at managing a household as their mothers' generation?

12

I don’t know about that. I remember my mother used to keep the house spotless, made 3-4 salans a day adn fresh rotiyan all the time. I dont’ do that…my life is still easier than that and I definitely credit my husband on that b/c he doesn’t demand those things but I will be honest, sometimes it does get a bit much. It has nothing to do with him…maybe frustrations at my own inability to not keep the house spotless like I should, or if a dish comes out bad…whatever.

And its not fun cooking when its 95 degrees outside and 105 degrees inside. :bummer:

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I know the question isn’t meant for me, but I would say my husband is better than alot of men I’ve seen (and been told about. :halo: )

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

If men are "more" accommodating than their fathers' generation....then one reason behind this accommodation is that more wives are working now. So, you divide/chip in with the household responsibilities. Which from an Islamic perspective............there's nothing wrong with that. The Prophet SAWS helped out with the chores around the house...that are typically considered women's responsibilities. "

Are the ladies of today not better wives as ones of previous generations? Is the definition of being a "better" wife confined to being adept at household chores? You could have a wife who's a great cook and keeps the house clean.....but is disagreeable in other ways.

Could "better" also include a more developed view of the world (due to education, etc), open-mindedness, divergent thinking, perhaps greater confidence, ability to support partner financially if need be?

I think culture/location can play a role as well. I have cousins in Pak...who are educated...but because there are a lack of career opportunities....there's a greater emphasis on mastering the domestic chores and they're more skilled that I am, I'll admit. I also have cousins in Pak....who have servants that do everything from cooking, to cleaning, to tending to the children. Does socioeconomic class have an influence? In one culture...household chores are strictly confined to the women. In another culture....that may not be the case. Divorce being seen as "less" of a stigma is another reason.....but this depends on location. It's less of a stigma for Desis in the west...as opposed to those in Pak.

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

I think you might have a point there X2 Sahib. :hmmm:

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agreed with all except two things, last sentence..it does not just depend on location but also time. Divorce is much more accepted in pakistan and much less of a stigma than it was even 20 years ago.

and the accommodating being due to having a wife who has a career, I think in general with wives who are Stay at home or professionals, men in general are more 'partners; than 'bosses' of previous generations. cant say what ladies think about their mums and their own generation.

17

This.

The majority of women growing up in the 50's , 60's and 70's were trained in a different manner by their mothers. They were taught to bardashofy a lot, and short of physical abuse, divorce was practiacally unheard of. They had to run / co -run the house; meet the demands of husband; parents in law; husbands siblings living in the house, their own children and smile the whole time. They were a different breed all together. They would most likely laugh at some of the threads on here where people complain about their in laws situation.

Times have changed. Men and women are both more expressive and aware of their feelings and communicate in a different way with each other then back then. People surpressed their feelings then, and just kept it all inside.

18

Its hard for me to compare myself with my own dad but over all I dont think that young generation is as accommodating (both husbands and wives) as previous generation. I see so many marriages getting over within first 6 months that its not even funny. That was never the case. Divorce used to be a taboo in our society and was only exercised (for most of the part) in extreme cases. Nowadays people get divorced on petty issues, or at least fixable issues .. just because they dont want to change even a bit for their spouse.

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Re: The basic cause of marital stress

Its because women feel for some strange reason that being a housewife equals being inferior.

20

this.. :k: