In veiw of the discussions on marriage that keep popping up thought this would make for some fun reading. Not everything applies but it is still some fun reading :).
Great outlook on love/marriage. Enjoy! This is kind of long, but it makes
some interesting points.By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious
mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid
becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize 10 insights.
You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you’re married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden
rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now,
don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually
can expect people to change after their married…for the worst!” So when
it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with
these as they are now.You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it
burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. "I’m in love often means,
“I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out
this person’s character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check
for: Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is
more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person enjoy
giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t
have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s
going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy
life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like
this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my
child to turn out like him or her?You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a
women needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more
often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition
places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman
and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved.-to feel
that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband
needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent is
Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to
meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the
woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it
comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two
speeds: on and off.” Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to
switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what
makes his wife very happy. Then the man forgets about his own needs and
focuses on giving his wife .You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another
person: a) Chemistry and compatibility b) share common interests c) share
common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that
sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will
either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must
figure out what you’re living for while you are single-and then find
someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true
definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate…two people who
ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore
share the same priorities, values and goals.You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a
big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of
important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a
clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary
to “test drive” in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible.
If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and
emotionally compatible, you don’t have to worry about sexual
compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is
never cited as a main reason why people divorce.You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional
connection To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or
not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I
impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by
qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: “Do I
trust this person?” This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I
feel I can rely on him/her?You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I
feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself
and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good
about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel
this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to
monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will
view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly,
there’s a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of
feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control
you. Controlling behaviours are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look
out for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big
difference between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion
is made for your benefit;You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the
table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up
for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work
together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably
arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve
your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be
afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you
to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be
vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape
from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single,
you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix
personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will
exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take
responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better and
your future spouse will thank you.You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To
be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such
as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you
and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle
cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You’ll not be their number
one priority. And that’s not basis for a marriage.Many people are struggling because they have not used what God has given
them. God gives you an acorn; you invest it and it will become a tree!
Stop praying for trees while acorns are lying all over the ground. God
answered your prayer for the tree when he sent you the acorn.
