Taking back our kids

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
1

On a similar note to the Spoiled kids thread…

I find it disturbing to the extreme the amount of say, the amount of power that is given to schools and teachers in the parenting of children these days. They all, at the slightest infraction, call in the school psychologist and social worker,recommend that the child be seen by a neurologost etc.

No WONDER that children in this country are over-medicated, over-scheduled, over-analyzed, over-stressed. They arent allowed to just be KIDS.

Since my eldest son is a special-needs child, I am perhaps under a particularly sensitive microscope here when it comes to middle and youngest. But they are paying WAY too high a price. Every single move they make is analyzed by teachers and compared to special-needs older brother.

Middle son went thru HELL this school year, teachers constantly telling me to talk to social worker etc. when all he needed was some extra parental support and some extra encouragement in the classroom. This i(n the end and because I was resistant to them)proved to be exactly true. But…IF I had followed their recommendations, middle son would be medicated with anti-depressants and ADD drugs and be visiting a psychiatrist at least weekly.

I cant begin to express how angry I am.

Never, ever allow these school people to railroad you. Parents KNOW their kids and what they need. Teachers have a problem in class and heck,it SURE would make things nicer for them if the kid were medicated instead of addressing and correcting the issues yeah?

Follow your instincts with your kids. ALWAYS.

2

Being a teacher, I agree with that. There are parents who....instead of working with their children and instilling some accountability and responsibility in them.....blame the teacher for the student's shortcomings (be it irresponsibility in submitting assignments, slacking off, carelessness, disrespect, etc). The first teachers are the parents.....because you spend time with them....BEFORE you begin your school career. You also spend more time with your family....and it's essential that they establish a strong foundation with a healthy upbringing....because education/schools can then enhance/further develop that. I think some teachers feel that lack of parental involvement makes them feel like they're parenting....when they feel that's not really their role.

As a teacher, I find it frustrating when parents hold the teachers accountable for their child's shortcomings. I'm not talking about learning disabilities. But more basic stuff. The kind of parents who think it's the teacher's fault that their child is not submitting assignments in a timely manner (even when due dates were mentioned orally and written).....doing careless work.....discipline problems (disrespect, cheating, etc). The kind that make excuses....and as a result the children have little accountability. And I've seen that this is the case with parents that are not very involved in the first place.......so when a problem arises......they think the solution lies with the teacher.

^I know this is not what your thread was about. You're an involved parent.....I'm just referring to the dysfunctional variety of parents.

I can see where you're coming from. You do have to give kids time to adjust rather than jump to the conclusion that something is severely wrong with them. Sometimes it's the hormones of adolescence.....sometimes they're just tired and are slacking off or they're distracted by a field trip or a party or lunch or recess, etc. You give it time.....bring up the concern with parents because they might be able to guide their kids.....work with the parents/try various interventions, etc. And sometimes, the kids get back on track. I think it becomes more of an issue when the problem is frequent....consistent....has a pattern... the child is not responding well to interventions that the teacher and parent have decided to implement.......and the problem is getting worse and is hindering academic/social growth.

3

Re: Taking back our kids

That's why I disagree with sending kids to school before a certain age.

4

mamao3,

Could you have sent your middle and youngest child to another school where they wouldn't know the older son ...or his history ???

I do think kids are not being allowed to be kids...but I remember when I was a kid in school...my teachers used to compare me to my older sibling too...... I guess when kids go to the same school and teachers know the kids ..the older one sets the example or expectation of what the others should be like and in our case God forbid the younger one is different.... parents never hear the end of it...

5

Thats what I've heard from so many parents....does this happen mostly in public schools, or are private schools guilty of this too?

I've also heard a lot about the zero tolerance policy which a lot of parents keep complaining about. I'm kind of dreading my child starting public school next year.

6

Re: Taking back our kids

The problem is that at least in America, schools have been made to be substitute parents. They are responsible for teaching the child morality and manners, parenting, cooking, driving, etc, as well as reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.

I was shocked when the head of our school was approached by local community members talking about how badly certain students were behaving at a local wedding (obviously a non-school event). The head of school asked if that member of the community was present, he said yes, and so the head of school asked if he would next time speak up and help to guide the children, rather than expect the school to do it, even at times when it is irrelevant!

A few years ago we had some drug abuse issues at the school, and all these teachers were lamenting about where they had gone wrong with the kids. And I was like, "Really? I take no personal responsibility. I am a good role model and a good teacher. I am accessible and accepting of them. But I am not responsible for them 24/7."

Don't get me wrong. I know teaching is about more than the content-area I teach. But I also feel that it is silly to expect the schools to do all the work. And that's what it's coming to. And when that happens, of course the schools are going to make sure they cover their asses. The burden of responsibility falls on them. But it is a heavily burdened, underfunded, and understaffed system, so few children get the attention they need for really thorough diagnoses.

7

Re: Taking back our kids

Mia, I'm not sure how private schools work things but I've been starting to look into them. Once I have some good info, will post back.

Private schools for sure implement a very stringent "zero tolerance" policy, this I know. But that is fine and actually a good thing if handled correctly. Most public schools have this policy tooand it actually can be very effective in preventing bullying and promoting better social skills in children. When they call the parents in, discuss and identify the problem and work with the **parents, **help the parents teach proper behaviors then I'm all for it. But when the school pummels the parents to take a typical child with typical problems to a doctor or a shrink and even hint at medication ...this is what drives me mad.

My middle son struggles with overly demanding standards that he sets for himself and this causes undue anxiety which shows up in the classroom. When teachers work with him on building confidence and lessening anxiety, he improves. But he also knows they're worried about him and recommending doctors which makes him worse.

They backed off after I blew up at the school shrink. She understands what the issue is and what the resolution should be, maybe she's yessing me but I dont think so. The teachers my son has this year are pro-medication and pro-psychiatry to an extreme that I see as detrimental. I think they finally see what I'm saying.

8

Yeah, I’ve heard stories where parents didn’t stand up enough for their kids and they regretted it later, its good that you are pushing back and not letting them take over :k:

9

Agree 100%

I am accountable for every single little breath my pupils take. A scratch on the finger from playtime and if I have forgotten to fill in a form informing the parent I could be sued for neglect!

Our parents have a Parents Forum where they discuss issues concerning their childrens education. One of the recent discussions was whether or not it was the teachers responsibilty to provide facial wipes for the children to wipe their faces after lunch.

Now, I became a teacher to teacher academic skills and knowledge (ha, rich coming from me!), I get that morals and values and being a positive role model comes into and I am, but wiping their faces, NO. Parents should be parents and raise their children too.

I mean, we even have to start teaching them about relationships at the age of 5, surely that is definately one for the adults that created them.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Pressures from counties/city councils, governers, ofsted, parents who dont know what they are talking about make it very very very very difficult for teachers to do what they do best.

10

Re: Taking back our kids

Milly, I agree with you a thousand percent...teachers should be teaching. Parenting problems need to be reported to and handled by parents. If that fails, THEN call out the shrinks and the meds...but parents need to be allowed the chance to parent right? I know for sure that this doesnt always work...that there are parents who just arent all that involved etc and that must add all kinds of hell to a teacher's job. But to call out the pharmacies, psychiatrists, social workers etc for normal childhood issues is just adding to the epidemic levels of childhood psychiatric disorders and the epidemic levels of medications that are prescribed. Thats just wrong on so many levels.

11

Re: Taking back our kids

But then you get those parents who accuse the school and the teachers of not meeting the needs of their children.

I only know what its like on the other side of the fence and to be honest with you, I have never ever seen a case where the parent does not want meds or SEN statements.

Most parents I know have actually pushed for medication (especially ritalin which I loath) for their children against the advice of the Ed Psych.

Perhaps you having a bad experience in terms of the teachers who do not fully understand the needs of your child?

I know that for a child in the U.K to recieve meds and additonal support from outside agencies, we, the school has to provide at least 2 years worth of proof that this child actually needs support and sometimes its too late.

Also, you get those parents who are in denial about their children and their needs. I have worked with children on the Autistic spectrum whose parents refused to believe that she was on the autistic spectrum, they were adament that their child was possessed by the devil.

Its a no win situaiton in my opinion.

Meeting the needs of SEN children is and always will be a no win situation. You can't keep everyone happy.

12

Re: Taking back our kids

Milly, hats off to you and all that you do as a caring teacher. I cant begin to imagine the difficulties, esp in this day and age where there are so many laws about what you can and cant say, what you can and cant do...that sometimes you dont know if you're coming or going man.

But...as a teacher with a child who is having trouble...if you approach the parent with "are you familiar with..." instead of "you need to go toa doctor and evaluate for such-and such". If you ASK what does the parent know, what does the parent see, how does the parent deal with the situation before launching into recommendations for psychiatric evaluation or medication. It can make all the difference in the world.

Sure, many parents are in denial early on. Thats natural and its the most difficult of things they'll ever have to face. A bit more trust and understanding would go so very far...

I'm coming at this from a rather upscale area so this doesnt always work I'm sure. But the schools need to give the parents a chance yeah? Most especially when it comes down to medication pressures. These are very dangerous drugs and to even hint that a child needs them instead of some good old fashioned parenting is really just sad.

13

Re: Taking back our kids

I would never tell a parent they need to go to a doctor unless its something like their child keeps wetting themselves and perhaps has a urine infection.

If I am worried about a child I talk to the schools SENco and she will do an assessment in appropriate.

9/10 I usually get parents tell me that their child is dyslexic (one parent didnt even know what dyslexia was!) and that I should 'check them out'. Things like letter and number reversals are so common in early writers and thats exactly what I tell the parents. I cannot diagnose a 5 year child based on letter reversals and nor will any self respecting doctor. Early signs of dyslexic don't start till the child is 7 or 8.

I think you experiences are based on the school that your child attends. Are they low on funds? As SEN children come with money, perhaps the school has found a new way to make money?