The best thing you can do is try to persuade him to speak to his mother about his financial issues. At the end of the day they need to understand they can't take everything he has because you wont be able to survive.
Just try your best to control exactly what is going out and coming in and based on that explain you can't carry on going on the way he is and it might cause problems with his extended family but at the end of the day his sisters have husband and they should take care of them now. He needs to look after his own.
I was also used to not thinking twice before spending but now I barely ever spend at all. I am trying so hard to make him tell him family that they need to understand the situation he's going through. We never have money for cng or calling cards for phone or even eating out once in a while because he gives all his salary in his mom's hands, and instead of using it wisely she spends it on food for her daughters and their kids. Then too, she is always asking for money and in return my husband would borrow from his friends to give her more money. Growing up I have always seen my parents give. I have also always been a giver but now I feel so guilty every time he asks for money. He is upset too and we have had arguments in the past but I am tired of fighting. He refuses to talk to his mother or sisters. I cannot talk to them because if I do they will run to him and complain and it will just create problems between us. We tried sitting down and budgeting a few months ago but so far it has not helped. If anything, the things have gotten worst. I don't know what we can do to minimize expenses without hurting his relatives' feelings ... It is such an embarassing situation for me that I cannot even discuss it with my family. I don't know how others survive on low income because experiencing it first hand I feel that only in storybooks is it possible to live happily ever after without money ...
I think you should sell the computer ... that you are on this forum with ... the best way to tell the relatives about your lack of funds is to show them that you have no luxury items in the house ..
When they eat with you wear simple clothes ... wash them less often and sew them rather than buy new ones ... if you can sew with a machine or do ironing then do that to make a bit of extra money.
Try not to be desperate ... inshaAllah the wealth will increase ...
It was a bit of reverse psychology … I wanted to see how deep this issue really is to the OP on compromising lifestyle … but it appears it’s the in-laws causing the most biting sting to the income. Is it because they eat a lot or is it because they are the in-laws?
I don't think its the lack of money that's an issue but rather the fact that the mother and sisters just think of their son/brother as some kind of cash cow and aren't considering that he too has a wife and family of his own to consider. I mean borrowing money from your friends cz your mother keeps asking for money to treat her other kids? No one sees any red flags with this????
Are the sisters still married? if so, what is their financial situation? Do their husbands not feed them?
I believe there's nothing wrong with treating family members when they come over
and
there's nothing wrong with having them come over often, but having the two mix constantly is going to make issues....what's more important? that one gets a free meal every day or that one build good ties with thier family members?
yes, you all my groan at the thought that "oh no, not another 'in-laws' jhagra" but thats not gonna make the problem go away now is it?
OP essentially did not provide sufficient details initially. As some rightly stated, some extra meals at home for relatives is not going to break the bank. But in the latest post, OP has stated the real reason - the mother-in-law is taking money from her son and giving it to the daughters on a regular basis.
I was also used to not thinking twice before spending but now I barely ever spend at all. I am trying so hard to make him tell him family that they need to understand the situation he's going through. We never have money for cng or calling cards for phone or even eating out once in a while because he gives all his salary in his mom's hands, and instead of using it wisely she spends it on food for her daughters and their kids. Then too, she is always asking for money and in return my husband would borrow from his friends to give her more money. Growing up I have always seen my parents give. I have also always been a giver but now I feel so guilty every time he asks for money. He is upset too and we have had arguments in the past but I am tired of fighting. He refuses to talk to his mother or sisters. I cannot talk to them because if I do they will run to him and complain and it will just create problems between us. We tried sitting down and budgeting a few months ago but so far it has not helped. If anything, the things have gotten worst. I don't know what we can do to minimize expenses without hurting his relatives' feelings ... It is such an embarassing situation for me that I cannot even discuss it with my family. I don't know how others survive on low income because experiencing it first hand I feel that only in storybooks is it possible to live happily ever after without money ...
You have already suggested to your husband the source of the problem. I think it is upto him to face up to his mother. If he does not wish to (for now) I do not think you should push him any further, you will get nothing good in return. When your mother in law realises the true situation you can then contribute with ideas on how to resolve the problem. Right now the pressure and stain is not a problem to your MIL or husband (enough for him to speak up).
I don't have a computer of my own ... this is his old desktop which his sister uses quite a bit.
His mother does not just 'give' the money to his married sisters. He has 3 married sisters with 12 children in total. At least one of them comes over with her children every 2-3 days. Then he has to go out and get chicken or bread because that is what the kids want or what we made at home is not what they want to eat. Hence, we end up spending a LOT of money on food. The rent is fixed. We are careful with electricity and we have the slowest internet which I created a biggest fuss about when they wanted to upgrade so they didn't. We got rid of a home phone line and now only use cell phones occasionally. Clothes are not an issue because we had too many before we moved here. I think we are doing good in all the departments except the food. What makes me so upset is not being able to pay the rent because money was spent on eating so he has to ask people for money to pay the rent!!!
I just moved here a few months ago with him and never thought of getting a job at that time. I think of getting one now but I am moving back to US in May so he thinks it's useless for me to even try. BTW, this is not an in-laws bashing thread. My in laws are very nice people but they simply don't understand how hard it is to earn money now a days. It takes an entire day to make 750 rupees and they will spend it within minutes on food. I have tried talking to him but it always leads to arguments. He says my haq is 50% on his earnings but he cannot cut down the amount that he gives his family. I just can't wait to go back and get myself a proper job again because having to worry about basic things like cng is really getting to me ... I will try and use some tips about carpooling & updating his resume and applying to more jobs for him but it's so tough to find a job now a days!!!
Expense are what you made them - so basically they are in your hands … People with right attitude and qualification are never short of money /job/work in this Karachi city …
You problem is - as you moved from US , therefore you still compere … and by compering it only get worse .. 30 k is what a graduate with a year experience on his /her hands makes in this city … Ask you husband to keep looking for better opportunities ..
And try to get a teaching job yourself … even B category Private schools in this city offer 15 to 20 k to their staff .. or you have an American accent .. try one of the call centres we have here .. such as Axact - they also offer home based jobs..
I comprehend that cost of living in this city is getting higher day by day … even people making 300 k per month feel same as you do … but making money is very easy in this city , if you have the right channels , no wonder you can even make 500 k without tax every month
I don't think its the lack of money that's an issue but rather the fact that the mother and sisters just think of their son/brother as some kind of cash cow and aren't considering that he too has a wife and family of his own to consider. I mean borrowing money from your friends cz your mother keeps asking for money to treat her other kids? No one sees any red flags with this????
Are the sisters still married? if so, what is their financial situation? Do their husbands not feed them?
I believe there's nothing wrong with treating family members when they come over
and
there's nothing wrong with having them come over often, but having the two mix constantly is going to make issues....what's more important? that one gets a free meal every day or that one build good ties with thier family members?
yes, you all my groan at the thought that "oh no, not another 'in-laws' jhagra" but thats not gonna make the problem go away now is it?
It is getting clearer now. When the kids come over to eat, feed them the same food you all eat. Dont go out and get them spcial food because they dont like what you have already cooked. Draw the line there.
Also, since you are moving back to US in May, this appears to be a temporary problem.
Well, if you are moving back in May that should solve a lot. Better not to argue with your husband and family in the short time you have here. By the way may I ask if its the whole family that's moving back or you alone? Also, why did you guys move to Karachi in the first place?
I don't have a computer of my own ... this is his old desktop which his sister uses quite a bit.
His mother does not just 'give' the money to his married sisters. He has 3 married sisters with 12 children in total. At least one of them comes over with her children every 2-3 days. Then he has to go out and get chicken or bread because that is what the kids want or what we made at home is not what they want to eat. Hence, we end up spending a LOT of money on food. The rent is fixed. We are careful with electricity and we have the slowest internet which I created a biggest fuss about when they wanted to upgrade so they didn't. We got rid of a home phone line and now only use cell phones occasionally. Clothes are not an issue because we had too many before we moved here. I think we are doing good in all the departments except the food. What makes me so upset is not being able to pay the rent because money was spent on eating so he has to ask people for money to pay the rent!!!
I just moved here a few months ago with him and never thought of getting a job at that time. I think of getting one now but I am moving back to US in May so he thinks it's useless for me to even try. BTW, this is not an in-laws bashing thread. My in laws are very nice people but they simply don't understand how hard it is to earn money now a days. It takes an entire day to make 750 rupees and they will spend it within minutes on food. I have tried talking to him but it always leads to arguments. He says my haq is 50% on his earnings but he cannot cut down the amount that he gives his family. I just can't wait to go back and get myself a proper job again because having to worry about basic things like cng is really getting to me ... I will try and use some tips about carpooling & updating his resume and applying to more jobs for him but it's so tough to find a job now a days!!!
Peace mt3g
By your words it appears that you are well educated ... Do you have any children? If not then consider getting a job as others have suggested. You need to be the person taking control of your affairs not your mother-in-law. Although I have seen this is the case in many families including my relatives where in one case a mother treats her own daughters too well and her son's families are treated like slaves. However, in their defence those girls are simpleton, but you I think are not ... you have no excuse to let yourself be put in this situation.
Alas ... people may be milking it from you because you are there for the time being
Living with 30k income in Pakistan is not easy. Esp when you have a very costly electricity , petrol in fact everything since our dear government has withdrawn subsidy from everything. Many posters here are taking her problem very non seriously and that is very sad. In a normal house hold of 3-4 person only per day nashta costs more than a 100 rupees. Lunches and dinner meals are separate plus there are hundreds of other expenses.
You need to cut on meat dishes (vegetables and daals are also not cheap but still less expensive than meat) . Adopt a single dish policy.
Best would be to give the food allowance in the hand of your MIL , give her the money in the beginning of the month then let her run the house. Ask her for money every time her daughters and their kids come to visit and you need to buy food. Things will start to come in order I am sure and let her be aware that your husband has a fixed salary. Off course take some money out for your personal expenses. It's difficult but might work.
Its difficult but household can survive but with not with same style/standard of living though. I have seen family of 2-4 people living and surviving in around 20k per month. You have to sit down with your husband and talk about it. You cant survive for long time if you keep on spending more than you earn.
Sometimes we give trouble (or financial pain in this case) to others unknowingly. I'd put your in-laws in same category. Once you have talked to your hubby on this issue, talking to in-laws (by both of you together) might help. I'd suggest just make a quick balance sheet and show it to them. Sometimes numbers does the magic that words cant.
If hubby is not willing to talk to your his parents, you can talk to them. Talking to someone about an issue not always mean 'fight'. You can always start the discussion using "ammi mujhey samajh nahi aa raha k kia karoon socha k aap sai mashwara lai loon". Key in any discussion is to put opponent at ease and not to make him/her feel that its about he/she doing something wrong.
You cannot survive in Karachi in 30,000 PKR/Month with two people that excludes CNG for bike. 4 years ago when I came back to Karachi 10,000 PKR/Month would do, but not anymore.
