THE SMITHS were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs Smith cut in blushing.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve done loads of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, embarrassed, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too - you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and I”.
“Well Madam none of us can guarantee a good one every times. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you will be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of…” gasped Mrs Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs Smith said quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God,” Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said, "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling and I could hardly concentrate.
“Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs Smith leaned forward, “you mean they actually chewed on your um…equipment?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you are ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod???”
“Oh yes, I have to use the tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!”
…xXx
