Supporting a husband through medical school

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hello all.

I’m a twenty eight year old woman. My fiance is starting medical school next year and we’re at an interesting juncture.

We are extremely close, best friends and true partners. Given that, we’re worried about maintaining appropriateness for the next three/four years while he traverses medical school.

We are considering getting married in two weeks. A small nikkah and celebration. Something to make this halal.

However, we have concerns.

My fiance’s personal pride is holding him back from being entirely comfortable with this situation, that being that I would support us financially for the time being.

He is also worried the toll it might take on our young marriage by being in an altered dynamic like this. Children aren’t something we are considering for a few years, so that wouldn’t be a worry, iA.

My perspective is that we’re trying to keep this halal, he’ll be able to graduate with exactly the amount of loans that he’ll need to fund his education with my income caring for our life and nothing more, and that he has the rest of his life to take care of me. :smiley:

He doesn’t come from a family that is supportive of such situations either, though my family is much more open-minded.

We’re not sure what to do. All we know is that we don’t want to lose each other, nor displease Allah.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

Oh wowie. Good luck. May the force be with you.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

My advice: invest in a family therapist. Maybe get a prenup in case of divorce proceedings. At least get the haq mehr hammered out.

Be mentally prepared for your husband being more away from home than in the home. Be prepared to bring him dinner to the hospital (although residents have it sweet these days with their hours, its still a long work day nevertheless). Be prepared to hear his pager going off while you’re making love. :k: If you have kids, yeah, they are going to miss out on a lot of him.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

dont scare her too much. there is still hope

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

There is absolutely no reason why this can't work. As you mentioned, you are 28 and I am guessing your fiancé is roughly the same age - by this point in your lives you should be mature enough to handle the situation. A few points to think about though:

1) Every marriage is a compromise. If you are willing to shoulder the full financial responsibilities of both of you, you need to remember that it won't be easy. You can not at any point allow yourself to be resentful about this because you are the one who is willing to take it on. I.e.: there may be times when fiancé is at home on vacation (not studying or working) while you will have to go to work- you cannot feel resentful when things like this pop up.

2) Prior to marriage (I.e: the lovey dovey period - now) you may feel like the above is not a big deal but trust me if you come home from a 12 hour work day to see hubby playing Xbox or something...well it may be easy to feel annoyed about it BUT if you choose to shoulder the responsibility you can't let this happen.

3) Have the 2 of you discussed how you will split the house work? Will cooking, cleaning etc still be your responsibility? Are you fine with this?

4) If you are worried about keeping the relationship halal, why not just do a nikkah only and ruksathi once your fiancé finishes his study? That way you are not responsible for the finances as you are each living with your parents but you're still halal for one another.

I am 26 and got married this year- my nikkah happened last year and at that point i always thought I wouldn't want kids for a few years but guess what? After ruksathi that thought changed dramatically and now in fact I am of the view that the sooner the better! Be prepared that the maternal instinct/desire may sink in after marriage and the question then arises as to what will you do? You can't be the bread winner and be pregnant/work at the same time (well I couldnt, maybe you can ?)

Whatever you decide though, best of luck to you both! :)

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

Hi Chirpy,

The simple answer to your question is;

Would you be okay with this scenario (see picture)?

If yes; then please go ahead and do your nikah :slight_smile:

If no; then please save yourself from some heart ache and him from mental torture.

Goodluck :flowers:

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

clearly get nikkafied first. everything else will just work itself out..sometimes through rough or ease. but just get nikkah from what i understand .

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

Looks like you know the answer. Good luck.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

I know several couples who have done this (wife supported family while husband finished med school/residency). But this only works if BOTH people in the marriage are 100% comfortable with the arrangement, and are aware of how consuming (time and energy wise) medical school/residency can be. Which takes us to your situation....

That is a BIG red flag. His pride is already making him uncomfortable with this arrangement. Once he starts school and the real stress starts, he will get drained physically and emotionally.....and at that point, his pride will really make him hate this arrangement. The fact that HIS family does not support this type of arrangement will also make it more stressful on him......stress that WILL spill onto your marriage. And while sex is great...no birth control is 100%. IF you happen to get pregnant while he's still in school and can't financially provide for the baby, given his pride and his family's attitude....that will be a recipe for a lot of misery.

To be honest, it looks like your fiancé knows the answer but YOU are the one pushing for the marriage right now. Pushing a man into marrying you, even if it seems "logical", is never a good idea. Many people "lose" one another while still being married b/c the connection they have goes away due to stress, resentment and other negative emotions. The ONLY positive to getting married now is being have to have sex. But there are many more negatives. Think carefully about the risks you're taking just to satisfy your hormones, and whether those risks are worth it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

I know multiple couples where the wife or fiancee supported the husband/fiance through medical school. Seems to be working great for them. Some had kids in the duration. Some did not.

You can make it work either way. I am not sure why you need to rush the nikkah, however.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

How old is he? If he starting medical school NOW, he won't be able to make a decent living for another 7-8 years, even after that it will not be a lot, plus being very busy. Real money will probably come in 10 years.

I don't know about your fiance but for many men, being supported by wife is hard to swallow, it leaves a bad taste in relationship even after the situation is resolved.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

Sounds like you really love him. I would advise to go for it, as long as you can support him all through this. Nothing wrong with that. I wish you best of luck.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

I will tell you from my perspective. A good number of my class mates got married after the 1st semester of medical school. His wife is totally supporting them, she is working two jobs while he is with us mostly all day from 8am to 4pm, then goes home for lunch (lives 5 min from school) sometimes or eats at the lounge and then studies till 10. During the weekend or after exam are done he told me they go on a date. He really tries to squeeze in couple of dates every month to keep the love alive. He had fights/arguments couple of times because his wife thinks he doesn't spend time with her that often. He too is also kinda lazy sometimes .. prefer to sleep than take her out but I would probably do the same. About the earning thing, he killed his ego and I believe thats what your husband needs to do if the marriage were to survive. He helps her when he can and he knows his wife will be supporting him for most part. He is non-traditional student like your SO - army vet started school at 31. His wife seems supportive so things are good. They are expecting a baby soon.

So it all depends on how far you want to work. He would be stressed, maybe even cry sometimes and quarter of a million in debt is not fun. And he won't have time to text you or hangout much. Funny thing is he more often text me or others back than he text back his wife lol. Because its important. And clinical years would get even worse. And then residency he won't be earning much with long hours. So, just don't go blindly into marriage because your hormones are spiking.

I know few couple who broke up during medical school. Their relationship was average but the stress of medical school snapped her or him and they parted ways. Another couple, his wife was in my class, she failed 2 classes and had to remediate the entire year because she couldn't handle marriage with school.

Things would work if you really work hard without looking for reciprocation because there won't be. You would go to bed alone most days, on weekends he would be too tired or catch up on sleep, he would be angry, frustrated. Being married in medical school is already really hard and add his pride to it which means I could see marriage ending up in jeopardy. He needs to kill his ego and pride first and then talk about marriage

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

All the things bolded, really? I want to enroll in that medical school where I can cook, clean, play x box and go on vacations

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

If he is going to medical school, keep your expectations low for first couple of years of marriage (i know hard for newly married couple). If you can handle that, you should be fine InshAllah.

It all depends on what he and you expect out of initial years.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

^^This. Keep your expectation low. I am a doctor so i know kind of stress you go through. But pays off in the end.

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Re: Supporting a husband through medical school

He needs to really kill his ego and not let that become an issue. Maybe his family can be convinced to be more supporting and you can give examples of others in a similar situation.

Also there are plenty of resources including blogs/sites of people who give tips on how you can make it through. Even blogs by guys who are married to medical students with tips.
Married to a Medical School Student | A Wee Blether
7 Things I’ve Learned as the Wife of a Medical Student | Loving on the Run

Looking at the positives since he will be quite busy it can also be a time for you to be busy and work on your career. Maybe you always wanted to do further study and this could be the perfect opportunity. You can also explore your own hobbies and interests.

As for the household activities if you can have your in laws and parents near by and support both of you it can work out. If you live with your in laws they can help with household activities and financially can’t they? If both of you don’t have children in the next few years and live away from family then won’t it be like living with another housemate except you’ll have few more responsibilities. If you live with family and have children your in laws and parents can also help.

I agree apart from that there is no reason why it can’t work out if all of you are committed including your families. Or if you have a support base.