you are going overboard if you give a gift. they are coming to YOUR house, what is expected is good hospitality. thats it. when you go to THEIR house, that is when a gift is due. Not otherwise. Take it from me, i just got into the whole marriage scene myself and ive learned these things.
you are upsetting the tradition of gift giving if you give anyone anything now. if you want to treat them special, be super hospitable yourself. make them something nice to eat. ask your to be husband what his dad / mom like to eat and see if you can arrange that. that is good gesture enough.
Cook them something nice Ashoo. Or get something they really prefer. I am engaged, not rukhsatofied yet. Do NOT give gifts when people from inlaws visit your house. It creates undue burden and sets precedent for every time gift exchange when they visit you.
The NORM is there for a reason. People who come, bring gifts. People who are hosts, show appreciation by hospitality in form of khatirdari and treating guests well. NO GIFTS.
Hope you make the right choice. Gifting them now will effect you longterm. Take it from me. My mom made that mistake, revising it is an issue now. My inlaws visit a lot and theres always someone or something new in their family. We cannot keep gifting cos we set that norm, but mom is bound to and there were rough patches when I began to work her out of it.
ok.. but is it okay if i give her daughter some money? I would have done that for a friend or anyone else too and not because they are my in-laws to be.
^ ok i didnt read your last post before posting my reply.
Could i leave my parents out of it and make something cute for the baby just from me? that way my parents wont be expected to gift during the whole rishta phase although i will be getting married shortly after baat pakki
Ive done this once in the inlaws already. I tend to give my friends stuff too, but friends are friends. My sister in law had a baby and I sent her via fedex a baby blanket for the baby when the baby was born. Then again she lived far away. Thing is you really dont want to get into the gifts from your house deal. Take it from me. U are in your parents house, you do not ever want any member of inlaws to come to "expect" gifts from your mom and dads home whenever they visit. It would be ok if it was something homemade and small from you I guess. Perhaps a small stuffed toy would do as well. But only if it is very clear it is from you. Gift it to the baby and say something like, I wouldve liked to give it when I visited, but I couldnt resist and I had bought this already, I want her to enjoy it from now on instead of later
And ashoo our parents tend to go out of the way to make sure they dont do anything wrong and observe all customs and go overboard in gifting too. I just got so tired of watching my mom go through that strain of findign soemthing to gift everytime to every person who came over, simply because she didnt want anything to go wrong. I sat her down and had to have a serious talk with her cos i didnt like her to get in a dizzy each time, and im sure you wouldnt either. I even had to talk to my husband so that HE tells her that its ok and not expected that he gift every time. Of course he was understanding, but by then my nunds were so used to gifts, im sure they mustve cribbed
I was thinking about money to be a simplest form of gesture towards the baby but if i did that now it would look like its from Mom but after you told me i was thinking to make a cute gift basket with an outfit for her instead and just present it myself so its from me. He has a very small family and only the sister lives in the same state as us so i dont think all this exchanging gifts and stuff would become a tradition and then a problem in our case.
If it is handmade then I think you can manage. Make sure whatever you give is
a) seen as from you
b) something you can continue to do later as well
for instance, now with my second sister in law expecting soon, I shall be getting another baby blanket and fedexing it over from my side.
You need to remain consistent in behaviour.
You are very right in not giving money. Something handmade would look nice. In addition I would really recommend that you ask or your mom asks what uncle prefers to eat. And make that. For instance my dad really liked mutton karahi and my mom in law asked my mom what he likes and made that when my parents visited and my dad really appreciated that gesture.
I similarly knew my dad in law takes very little salt, so i specifically make certain he doesnt have a lot of salt when he comes over, the food cooked isnt salty at all for his benefit
unless you get a ring on your finger, there is no need to buy the whole tabbar (including the baby) gifts.
take it from me..the more you do in the beginning, the more they expect of you later on. and when there comes a time for some reason you dont meet their expectations, all hell breaks loose.
seriously.
^ Listen to the smart lady please!!!
Okay, technically there's nothing wrong with gift giving.
Except in this situation, its a bit presumptuous. At least in my opinion it is. Have you a ring on your finger? Or a wedding date? Or even a baat pakki? Until there is a formal commitment between families...gift giving puts an uncomfortable amount of pressure on the receiver as they really don't know where they stand.
Are they a potential rishta still? Does this mean things are solid now and you're thinking so as well?
D6C suggested a small toy or something little for the baby but beyond that is just not appropriate at this point.
Bear in mind, this doesn't mean you can't give presents in the future when there IS a ring or a formal commitment. But this early is not a good idea.
