suggestions for better ways to meet or be introduced

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I was talking about this the other day with my mom ..

  1. i think as far as being introduced by parents etc..

public gatherings where your parents just go:

‘oh this is so and so and her daughter/son’

..and then let you 2 talk freely and walk around.. would be a whole lot less akward or humilating then the whole chai deal ..where everyone’s got their eyes on you watching your every move and noting every word you say for the post game criticism.. uh.. commentary lol

and for all the ‘OMG ! this is wrong!’ people

duh! you’re at a desi gathering..they’re be plenty of spies making sure you don’t do nothing you shouldn’t be lol

I think the more casually this is done.. it’d certainly be more comfortable for me at least.. I know most parents even the most conservative ones actually want you to start talking once you’ve reached that age..

also takes away the whole.. don’t talk, don’t even look or your eyes will be plucked and burned outta your head for eternity scare we’ve all been raised with

..which is absolutely absurd since most of us (normal peoplel ) can and do talk rather freely with the non-muslim population everywhere else even in front of our parents without their objection?!

  1. ok speaking of desi gatherings .. I went to a big one a while back where to my amazement the girls even made no attempt to hide the fact they were checking guys out even though parents were around !?

wow! I’m so used to the nose up quick turn away or looks could kill menace..

..of course once they noticed you noticed they did quickly look away and pretended nothing happened.. that was pretty much the whole evening again and again.. lol

you know you girls say ‘oh the guy has to make the first move..’

but here’s the deal..

when most of you are practically married off pretty much before you even finish highschool or would get in all sorts of trouble if even caught talking to a guy..

it would be alot better and wiser if those of you who would have no problem talking and meeting to at least give a guy a solid sign that ‘yeah, it’s ok to talk to me’

Even in public places like the mall, campus etc.. man, you greet total strangers politely but desi people are avoided!? I usually say ‘hi’ if our paths cross but then they totally ignore you or there’s that evil eye again! lol

I dunno just my thoughts .. even my mom who used to go nuts lecturing me on how I should not talk to girls growing up now says it’s so stupid the way ‘you young people just make a face and look away!? and then go to school, work whatever and talk to anyone’

I’m still trying to figure out how she changed her mind here!?

I was like yeah cause you’re gonna go crazy on me!? lol

her answer of course..

‘nay woh tho palay kay baath tha ..ub tho shaadi karnay ka omaar hay!’

any other suggestions of ways to meet?

enough complaining lol

time to find solutions!

2

hmmm maybe organise a young desis picnic or bbq.. or something like a trip to the mountains hehe... well it works u know..

i know about the whole 'khabardaar agar kissi larke se baat ki' look... thank goodness my parents were/arent like that... but regardless of that, people here in melbourne have a habit of being friends with the opposite sex.. but they become such good friends that they arent allowed to think otherwise... kinda stupid, but thats the way it works..

im off topic!

hmm why dont u put posters up in the masjid and local community centres and organise a bbq.. thats a good start..

or maybe if you know some talented people.. organise a music night and im sure u'll attract quite a few young ladies...

the whole big desi gathering (with ur parents around) can get a bit ikky too... its hard to talk to someone without having someoen whose gonna go dob on u... not everyones parents are kewl about their kids talking to the opposite gender...

3

im as clueless as you are.

and the thing about parents doing a turn around when youre 20 something, well im experiencing that too.

i once told my mother 3 months after it had happened that someone asked me to marry them and i said no. she was like, you should have let us meet him first before saying anything. and i was like huh?? the reason why i said no was coz i thought you guys would hit the roof.

is that slightly off topic.

4

^ thats so my mama... ever since i hit 18.. she doesnt care wat guy i talk to... afterall every guy is ellegible in my mama's books :) even the ones on the net

i still say organise a picnic....

5

lol thats so funny! your mama and my mama should get together.

6

Lol it must cut across genders.. my mother called me yesterday to ask me to find a gal so that she can say yes and get me married off..... I was too shocked to respond....In the past its always been I will find you a gal and you can select line or the this cousin graduated and is doing so well :p hehehehehe...

waqas go to some of the desi events organized by younger people... you just need to find people to connect with and make an effort to communicate. And I can completely agree with the "give a guy a solid sign that 'yeah, it's ok to talk to me'"..... otherwise you never know who you are talking to and whos thinking what.

7

wow so late my mums been talking about my shadi since i was 16 :(

8

my mom has been saying it to me since i was 14, :hehe: beat that

my brother started hearing it at around 16 to :smiley:

9

I don't think you will be satisfied if you marry a "desi" woman that your "desi" parents choose(you know it!). I think rather than trying to find ways to talk to women at "desi" gatherings you should find your type 'on your own' and by following the method that's not "absurd" to you. Well, I think sadzzz idea is excellent so go for it! :)

10

Waqas: u r absolutely right about parents changing their ways.although my family is not that conservative in the sense that i was never told not to talk to the guys etc but still now they themselves say "isnt there a single decent desi guy around "funny i know.
This whole get together thing sounds very interesting but though not with a whole lot of parents,i mean it can be at any desi kay ghar with just one family around who can play the host cuz otherwise with the parents eyeing their kids it looks kind of awkward.
As to the thing that girls should give the guys a sign that its okay to talk i fail to understand why dont mature men simply move on and introduce themselves and then take it up from there....a very genuine suggestion cuz if larkee makes the first move its u men who label her as tez!!!

11

^ thats so true tutu... why dont desi men living in the west have the guts go upto a girl? we dont all bite back.....

12

I plan to find the gal I want in a secluded thread somewhere. :p

13

^ thats the spirit

14

Sadzz-. desi picnic? Yeah, right!..

A good idea but I don't see how that could happen unless I knew some Muslim girls who could help me set it up.. which if I did I would not need to organize such a picnic in the first place lol

The community here is lazy and divided they don't seem to want to do anything

Here’s what I got:

One mosque all they preach about is how the whole world is full of evil kaffirs

Another is 'normal' where I met the guys -- read below

3rd - I hear they grab your pants and rollem up while you’re praying and even throw namaz ka topi’s at you. Again while you’re praying.

I wanna go there!!! Gotta stop shaving for a while and go there with my hair all messy and untied lol

Hmm right now the only desi’s I know are about 40 something guys from a local MSA of this one mosque. They don't talk to girls except for the few who are much older and married and they’re not gonna be much help either

They are all really nice but it's so hard to get them to hang out on the weekends even.

Just to give you an idea these guys had an MSA picnic advertised at the mosque. Man it was one of those deals where the brothers were on one side and the sisters all really far and almost out of site on the other side of the park. When the food was ready they came by got some and went back to their section of the park lol

Yeah nice people but I think the wrong kinda crowd for me...too uptight. plus I'm not really into the whole ninja sisters. I got so sick of seeing so many hairy faces that day I went straight home and shaved lol

Anyhows given this.. placing posters on the mosques would most likely be a waste of time. I’d have 40 guys showing up lol get lots of threatening phone calls or they would issue some kinda fatwa on me

Music night hmmm..I dunno any bands in this town. not in touch with the college student groups either since I work full time

Well talking to someone introduced to you by both parents I don't see how they would object.it's not like I'm saying go walk off into the parking lot

If other adults have a problem well screw em it's none of their business anyways. Besides they have no right to complain cause seeing 2 young people talk would give them more fuel for their endless gossip

billi baaji - whether my parents approve or not does not matter I gotta live with whoever I marry not them. But it would be nice to have them involved.. My mom always calls and says

mayray baghar shaadi nay karna ! She gets all silly and excited about all this stuff lol
But I’m not expecting her to ever actually introduce me to anyone nor have I asked… she’s to naïve and unaggressive to know what to do! Plus I live really far away from my family.

She’ll just call and say

Acha mujay aik baaawwwwth acha larke nazara aya!

My response

Mujya bee humaisha bawth saray achay lurkiya nazar athay lol

hmcq- desi event organized by young people see above..

curruptangel- I suspect you are right the kinda girl I would most likely be interested in probably does not bother going to such gatherings.. Normally I don't either but it was Pakistan Day and I kinda missed my people lol

Though I admit I did make the mistake of hanging out with the same guys… who I later realized walked around constantly most likely cause they were nervous instead of just sitting and enjoying the ‘show’.. gonna have to do that next time .. I felt really uncomfortable there not having gone to such a big desi function for a few years. I hate being alone in such big crowds like that so I just followed them around like an idiot..

Plus I don't go around looking for wife everywhere I go lol

I would prefer to have met a mixed group of desi’s to hang out with then the all guy (what are they gay?) group lol

but such groups tend to be very snotty and don’t want more competition in their little groups where typically you got all the guys chasing the same girl who just wants to be friends lol

tutu & Sadzz.. No, I dunno about other guys but for me it’s cause I 'm very aware of the whole girl gets in trouble kinda thing at these gatherings plus I don’t wanna be seen like I’m hitting on the girl.. That’s not something I do anyhow..Just going up to total strangers and start talking to them. Based on what? Their looks? I gotta know a little about someone in order to be bothered I suppose. Like if it’s strangers I see often
at some place I go to regularly that’s different

Plus Sadzz like we talked about the other day. How’s a guy to know if she's already spoken for or even how old they are? I seriously cannot tell who’s still in high school or married? and it's not like with non-Muslims who would not mind, in desi community that's scandalous lol

15

Sometimes I wish, I just wish I was in a big city... its like the lottery, its a numbers game! before shaadi, meeting anyone, you need access!! and there is no access here... They are all american, or indian if you get lucky...

I wish they had more conventions ... Cant beleive we've reached the point where we are discusssing conventions. I just wish we had a social atmosphere where we ran into desi boys and girls pretty much everyday. Anyway...

16

:salam:
Waqasn bhai and six feet bhai: dont you guys’ families know someone in other cities at all??And i am jsut curious, but have you considered the thought of letting your ammis look for someone based on your criteria and then actually meet her???I mean is tarah ami bhi khush aur aap bhi khush. My ammi asked some lady who knows a lot of people(we live in chicago!) and she has come up with a couple rishtas for me. One of them wasnt actually bad but …
So why dont you guys trust your parents, maybe once and see how things go??/Does this help?:confused:
Personally if there was a gathering for Muslim youth , i dont think my parents would let me go, since our family is pretty conservative in that sense. And I am sure that there will be other people who wont let their kids go to these desi picnics etc either. So maybe you should let your parents meet the girl first to see if she would be suitable for you or not, ofcourse assuming ya’all havent already tried that.

Okay i am dont blabbering…me outta here :wave:
AH

PS: sixfeet bhai, are you really sixfeet tall or is it jsut a random nick??just curious, thats it :hehe:

17

im in the same shoes buddy… we used to organise desi get togethers a few years back… lekin being one of the 5 half/half’s it never worked properly… cus the guys just labeled us as bad words if we actually spoke to words.. and if we didnt.. we were snobs…

im planning on have another event or something before i go to paki… it just has to happen! im sick of hanging out with parents all the time… isnt there anyone out there who doesnt mind a ghazals night? its not that bad… the guy singing is younger than me!!

hmm waqas jee… seems like we need to call the desi 911 to help u out… so u reckon no gals are gonna show up? u know thaz what we thought when we organised our lil paki functions… but trust me.. they all come outta hiding… and yeah i know, u can never tell whether they are married, engaged or 12… i have 16 yr olds following me around… geez

and the whole muslim bbq! yes i know all about that… i went to my first paki/islamic bbq a few years back… that had it at the old melbourne jail… somehow found the girls.. asked them where the food and boys were… adn they were around some maze.. eating and turned their heads when we went to get our food… these same men are found later at the indian night drunk :hoonh: no kidding either

18

Waqas I never said it was easy and I did not mean desi masjid dinners. those are always seperated and you need "messengers" from one side to the other to find out whos looking and whos not - at least I have seen that happen :).

Most desi kids who grew up here get married off in college or to people they knew in college. This presents a problem from the fobs cause they generally havent assimilated fast enough when then are in college and most times they are in grad schools which means they dont meet younger but rather older people..

There are quite a few groups now in the US organizing events towards getting these young people who did not get hitched in college together and I think within the next year or so it will reach critical mass. They also tend to be more open minded events and generally without parents. Of course there is a fine line between getting people together and making it a meat market :).

Waqas what part of the US are you in? Go the local desi non masjid events and see if you an mingle into the clicks. Yes its extremely hard but perhaps you can take another guppie there. Also you may wanna go to the DC event this week that I mentioned in this forum before. I have heard good things about the guy whos organizing it.

19

looks like hmcq has done all his homework! haha what happened to subtletly on this forum? lol

20

Catty... after a while you realize subtelty is not really in your best interest and in this case the basis of the problem. Its not like I teaching someone about the bird and the bees :D......

I happen to know enough people in this situation that I get a fair amount of information. If I want to make a change in the system, it would be rather unconstructive not to share that information and help people out :).